I slammed the door shut and rip my tie off. I haven’t felt like this before. I’ve been depressed for a while but this pain was different, worse. The pain I felt stung my heart, every time I took a breath my chest hurt. My eyes were red with teardrops running down my face.  Walked over to the mirror in the living room and dropped my book bag on the couch adjacent to the mirror. “you’re pathetic,” the voice in my head said. “Do you really think you deserve redemption? After everything you’ve done, the lying, stealing, the drugs you’ve consumed, hell even after the way you’ve treated your mother? Do you really believe someone as twisted as you can be saved, can be loved?”
        “Shut up,” I said.
        “You’re as broken as the holes in your bedroom walls.”
        “Shut up!” I shouted as I took the mirror off the wall and threw it as hard as I could to the ground. Still the voice wouldn’t go away. I sank to the floor with my hands covering my eyes, wiping away the tears.
        “No one would miss a monster like you, you should just do the world a favor.” The voice wouldn’t stop. “Pathetic, waste, do it.” It kept repeating over and over again. I took my razor out of my book bag and cut one line across my wrist. The voice grew silent after. I just sat and stared blankly at the wall in front of me. The blood rand into my hand, it didn’t faze me, I’ve gotten use to the pain ages ago. The voice was silenced but the words still echoed in my thoughts. “No one would miss a monster like you.”
        He was right, no one would miss me. Today I let my anger get the best of me, over something stupid. She ignored me because of my drug problem. Then my voice came back and I just lost it. I’m a different person when I’m angry and I didn’t mean anything I said. I didn’t mean to hurt her, I liked her. Then my best friend said I was being petty and I went off on him too. So, yeah, the voice was right. I’ve managed to piss off everyone that liked me, all because I can’t keep my cool. I am nothing but a monster. I don’t deserve love, I don’t deserve anything.
        “Do it,” the voice returned. I got up slowly. There were no more tears, just pain. My eyes were dark now, my eyes change depending on my mood, and boy if you could have seen me then, you’d be terrified. I walked slowly to my room and got out my cough and cold medicine I would take to get high. I took a full box of twelve pills. Then I sat on my bed not saying a word. Just staring at my mirror. I was truly alone. I closed my eyes for what felt like an eternity. I felt cold and I started to lose feeling in my hands, my body was shaking more then it normally does, then memories started to flash through my mind. Little things, fragments, ranging from my mom pushing me on the swing as a kid to sharing laughs with my friends.
Then I smiled, the tears started to return. “Oh God,” I said, “Oh God what did I do?” I immediately ran out of my room to the bathroom to throw the pills up. I lifted the toilet seat and shoved my finger down my throat, but nothing came up. I tried and tried but no matter what I did I couldn’t throw up. I eventually gave up and just laid on the ground crying. “I don’t want to die yet,” I thought to myself. I could feel myself growing weak as I became more and more tired, and all I wanted to do in that moment was message my friends.
I pulled myself up off the bathroom floor and my vision was blurry from the tears. A headache was starting to form and I grew more tired. I made my way to the living room to my book bag where my phone was, I messaged them and told them everything. Then I just laid on the floor waiting for it to be over. Until I heard my neighbors car door shut. I rushed to my front door and stumbled down the steps of my porch and ran to them. Tears still running down my face I shouted to them, “I took a lot of pills!” Their daughter told me to go have a seat on my porch while they contacted my mother and an ambulance. That’s when I passed out.
I don’t remember getting to the hospital, I woke up on a hospital bed with my mother sitting in a chair next to me crying. She got up and hugged me when I woke up. “Where’s my phone?” I asked after realizing it wasn’t on my person.
“It’s in my purse,” she said digging around in her bag. She handed me my phone and a smile immediately formed on my face. All the worried messages, all the missed calls. They care, they really care about me. Even after how horrible I’ve been, they still care. The doctors came in and tested me and asked me a lot of questions. They said I have severe depression and have a Bipolar disorder.
They put me on medication and I’ve been fine ever since. I was my own worst enemy and my delusions prevented me from seeing it. Ever since I started taking my meds I’ve been happier and my eyes have been bright ever since.
That was probably the scariest moment of my life. I felt nothing, I was emotionally drained and I couldn’t see a brighter future, but now, I feel more alive than ever.
For me, that’s progress.