Untitled | Teen Ink


September 30, 2016
By Anonymous

You ever have one of those moments when you think to yourself that this is the most perfect moment in life and that nothing could ruin that moment? I believe we have all had at least one moment where life feels perfect. Believe it or not, perfect does not exist . The definition of perfect is to be completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible or to be without flaw.  I myself, I don't believe in perfection, I feel like the word ward was created and still used today just to simply satisfy the mind or make people accept mediocrity, the minimum satisfaction in life. When I was seven years old a fairly small fourth grader,  my mother was working in the school as the president of the parenting program at my elementary school. The year is 2007 and it is early summer just during the last two weeks of school before we got out for summer break. I remember it as if I were reliving that day all over again. I was outside for recess and we had just ate lunch. One of the kids form the 6th grade class came outside to where I was to tell me that my mother wanted me, now since she worked at the school she had called me many times for little to no reason so when she wanted me this time i didn't really put any urgent thought behind it so i get off the swings and go into the building to see what my mother wanted. When I got into the  building there were paramedics everywhere. By then I had already known that something was wrong but I couldnt quite figure it out yet.I walked in the office and standing there was my Gma, oldest sister, other sister, my uncle, both of my brothers, my aunt and my god mother all talking , some even crying and my god mother walked me to where my mother was sitting. My mom was sitting on the stairs with a glass of grape juice, she hadn't taken her medicine that day. The medics explained to me the best way they could that she was having a stroke, though i was a kid the tried to explain to me what a stroke was,they though I would't understand the medical terms but my mom was a nurse and she taught me things so I already knew what they were trying to tell me. my mothers blood sugar levels were extremely low and on top of that she didn't take her meds that day and she had also been working two jobs and she was tired but she kept working anyway. The medics got the stretcher  from the E.M.S. truck and loaded her onto the truck and rushed her to the hospital. Now keep in mind I am only seven so they wouldn't let me visit my mother in the hospital no matter who I was with. There was a lot of time my family went to see mother and everybody got to talk to her, all but her youngest child and I found it very unfair. After a while, I'd say about two months passed before the hosiptal cleared my mother to come home, but all was not well because she was still relying upon machines to keep her alive so they let us bring the machines with her as well as a nurse that would look after her when nobody else was home. During the time my mother was home, I wasn't allowed to be around, my brothers and sisters told me that it wouldn't be right for me to see mom like that so they kept me out of the house so I stayed with mt cousin for a few weeks.  Their intention was to keep me there until my mother was feeling better and all the machines were gone, thing is, I never thought that not being able to see her was fair at all but of course I was but a child and my opinion mattered not to thse who were keeping me away. A few weeks passed and my cousin had rushed home to come pick me up one day, Iremember it as if it had just happened, I remember I was playing the game and when she came home to get me I didn't want to leave but she said we have to. We got in the car and she starte driving to my grandmather's house and on the way she was singing a song on the radio that we both disliked and tried to get me to sing along and it was then I knew something wasn't right and we were on the way to see my mom so i asked her what happened and she burst into tears and didn't say anything for the rest of the ride. When we arrived at home almost everyone in the family was there so of course I assumed the worst and ran into the house and there i was stopped. It was my sister who stopped me and told me that mom was just laying there, which to me was worse way to explain to a kid his mom was dead, and I asked her where the machines were and she said there were no more machines, no more medicine, no more nurse, and mom was just laying there. What I was looking at was a lifeless body, an empty shell that used to be filled with my mother. I was speechless. I walked in the room and my brother pulled me back and I forced myself away from him into the room and I ran to the bed and I took the Micigan pillow that she was laying on, It was the pillow I gave her after I had won it in a carnival game. I wanted to keep the pillow in her memory and for my comfort.


After that dreadful day I can honestly say that the person I once was died upon seeing my mother's corpse. Who I am today is a mystery to only to me but to those around me as well.


Life after my mom's death is hard to explain, it's not that not much has happened, there have been many events some of which I can't speak but its hard to know where to start. There are sparks of many flames inside me just waiting to be ignited. Immediately after  my mom's death my sister wasted money on a councilor to help me get through the pain I was feeling. I said she wasted her money because the timing of her deathe was in a complicated position. I was young enough to have my innocencebut i was also old enough to know hwat was going on around me. In other words, I was young enough to where I could have been told a simple lie about mom but I was mature enough to know better. At this point in life I felt just as lifeless as my mother was, it was like running a race and you're running as fast as you can and you feel the wind in your face, you feel the rush of going so fast but then you realize everyone has left the track and you've lost the race so you have no purpose in running anymore. After this you feel nothing butsadness, regret, anger, hate, pain, so many mixed emotions and you don't know how to carry yourself without exploding on everyone you see so now all you can di is put on a mask and hide it, hide it all from those you love to protect them, hide it from those you hate or have differences with because you don't want to live with any further regret and eventually it changes you. You wear the mask for so long you become the mask or the mask becomes you. It it almost as if you see red all the time and you hate it but you see red for so long it becomes normal to you, you become the red. Your feelings are literal, your hearing is sensitive, your mind is boggled , and your body is tired. Insid ou are hurt and all you feel is pain, even in the smallest bits of joy, no matter what you do you always feel that sharp jab at you heart, at your emotions, which boggles the mind. The mind is baffled and thinking how  one can feel pain in such joyous activities and you begin talking to yourself, which leads to your sensitive hearing. Your ears hear it all . you acn hear it, the constant cry for help, the screaming of suicidal thoughts, but you wont take it so you rebel against your own  twisted desires and move on to the next thing. After all of this the body is left drained of all energy and your mentally tired as well so you lay in your bed thinking and thinking about how to cope with everything thats going on.


It was june of 2007 and I was in 4th grade. My mother  was working ain the building to better keep an eye on me and help with my education. I was outside at recess on the playground and I remember one of my upper classmates came to the playground to  tell me that my mother wanted me, little did I know she was having a stroke in the building, so Iwalked in with no type of urgency in my step. My mom was rushed to the hospital  and since I was so young they would not let me in the room to see my mother. After a while they let my mother come home until she would feel better and they offered to bring the machined that were keeping her alive home and they did just that. I was kept away from my mother for weeks because everyone said it isn't fair for me to see mom like that. Though I was young I was far from dumb. I was very much aware of what was going on around me but my family said they were tyring to protect me. I don't see how keeping me from mom was protecting me I didn't see that as protection, why would i need protection from mom?Weeks went by and on and on July 27 2007 my mother passed away in the same house she grew up in. Her life ended in the same place it had begun.



My life up to now has had its fair share of trials and tribulations with many more to come. I have learned to better myself and age and wisdom helped me. With every year that passed I grew not only older but wiser as well. I began to open my eyes, see things from a different view. I learned how to let things go rather than hold on to it and linger in the pain it may cause. I expanded my mind to many different things and lifestyles. I still don't believe in perfection but only because my mind and my spirit seeks more than perfection. I seek limitless improvement I dont want to stop at perfect. Overall I can say that the things that happen to us do happen for a reason and there's nothing you can do but live it. We as a people must learn to be gratful for what we have, It's like Abraham Lincoln said  " We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."

The author's comments:

For those who have lost their way

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