Censure, condemn, castigate, chide, denounce, berate, rebuke. Appease, assuage, alleviate, ameliorate, pacify, mollify, mitigate. How in the world, I thought to myself, could a language consist of so many words of the same meaning? And why does the wicked College Board expect me to remember 3500 words when a third of them will rarely, if ever, appear in my future life and another third of them are more often used to flaunt one's education level than to express one's actual intention?
    

Such questions pop up in my head every time I endeavor to memorize formidable flocks of new words. Frankly, it wasn't the first time I was frustrated by the "dullness and uselessness" of studying language as I had been through the same process with Chinese. Beginning in elementary school, as soon as I acquired the skills of basic communication in Chinese, I was required to memorize hundreds and thousands of descriptive words, chengyu (a phrase that consists of four Chinese characters), and literary devices that I didn't cared to learn. For years I had to bewilder myself with how an author used a certain word or phrase to express oneself or how one used metaphor, personification, or other rhetoric devices to build a pyramid of abstruseness. Back then, though at a young age, I was irritated by the same thing that nearly kills me right now. I remember asking myself everyday: what impedes me to recite those dull characters and contemplate on why someone writes in a certain style? And will I find it useful and productive doing so? Why do I have to learn the so called Chinese Literature when I have no difficulty talking with others in Chinese? These troubles and frustrations inevitably led Chinese to become the course I disliked the most and I scored lowest, but I didn't feel any guilt in it. After all, what was the point of learning Chinese when I was already a fluent speaker?
    

This obstinacy continued through my whole elementary school and, unfortunately, persisted into my English learning process. I regret to say that if I had not thought about the insignificance of learning Chinese and focused on the actual work, I would be better acquainted with the profound Chinese language. But instead, I was listless about the recitations and altered more of my attention to a new language, English. The first few steps when learning English were easy, as they were for learning Chinese. I could soon communicate fairly fluently in English and even compose some complete sentences. Then, however, as I began to study in an international school where English was the main language for studying, I encountered the same calamity I had with Chinese. I was supposed to learn about the overwhelming words, grammar rules, sentence structures, idioms, and rhetoric devices of the so called "easiest-to-learn language in the world" and everyday was like going through the torture of the medieval Roman Catholic Church.
    

Then, the change in my attitude towards language occurred gradually and implicitly. In my international school, I began to notice that I understood little about both my native and foreign tongue. When speaking in Chinese, my friends often used words or phrases that I had only heard of but couldn't understand and I thought they were talking gibberish. When I could only use phrases like ? (good-looking)to describe something awesome, my friends would use phrase with more specific and vivid content, such as ???? (a fancy term for describing someone as handsome and talented), or even come up with a beautiful poetic line. They would facetiously call me an illiterate and I indeed felt like one.

"Wow, that is so supercalifragilisticexpiadocious!", one commented
    

"Yeah, looks awesome. By the way, what does that word mean?", I said.
    

I often encountered such embarrassing situations. Of course, it wasn't because I was less educated as I had been through the same courses as others. In fact, the unintelligible yet profound Chinese my friends spoke of was not unfamiliar to me as I was certain I had saw them in my Chinese textbook years ago. Yet I did not care to learn that more profound part of the Chinese language and was contented on the level of fluent oral communication. It is commonly regarded that language is a bridge that links people, but I say it is rather a gap that increases the distance between people of different education levels. Such a gap would not, of course, affect my daily life and social interaction, but they seem to depreciate my self-esteem and make me seem, frankly, stupid in front of other educated people.

Inevitably, I encountered the same difficulties when approaching a higher level of English. Reluctance to the "dull and useless" vocabulary, grammar structures and rhetorical devices brought devastating aftermaths: while others were enchanted by and openly praised the beauty of English literature, I founded the works of Henry Thoreau to be gibberish, the plays of Shakespeare to be nonsense, and the poetry of Emily Dickenson to be a random sequence of alphabets. I founded it even more depressing when I was caught up with a novel but would soon lose interest in it due to the millions of words that I couldn't understand. My trouble in English was certainly not limited in reading, as when I compose essays, I would spend more time  contemplating which word or phrase I should use to express my true meaning (usually with the help of a Chinese-English dictionary) than actually writing the content. Thus, my writings were always an awkward mixture of commonplace words and sentences that expressed no significant meaning or unique style, for instance, the piece one might be reading right now.
    

It took me a long time to realize that what was really killing me was my stubbornness and reluctance in learning languages, both Chinese and English. Now, when learning language, I seek to find not frustration and listlessness, but a sense of willingness and pleasurable expectancy. Indeed, my struggle with studying language will perhaps never come to an end, but a new campaign had just begun. I would have to willingly accept and tackle the "dull and useless" words, grammar structures, rhetoric devices, and all the things in language that bore me, frustrate me, torture me, kill me ----- that would be the only way for me to initiate my exploration towards the core, the beauty of language.