I am happy... and for some unknown reason that terrifies me. I had a wonderful day, I spent time with my friends, I laughed, I ate good food, and I was comforted. But I have an irrational and horribly rooted fear of contentment. And it got me thinking, why? Why are we afraid to be happy? Why are we so horrified of living in the now? For what reason do I lack the ability to simply revel in the happy birthday song? Why can't I look the girl I like in the eyes and simply feel that moment? Yet, as these events occur I can think about how they must end, How tomorrow I have work and after that I have to study for chemistry and then we need to go grocery shopping, also I need to write more if I want to get any better at it. I need, I want, I have to, soon, I'm running out of time.

And in all this mental rabmling I look to my cat, Lucy. She is (somehow) seventeen years old. She walks around every day with no concept of scheduling. She sleeps when she chooses, and leaves the house when she feels to return in the same fashion. She cries when she is happy and is helped; when she is hungry she turns to her bowl and eats her fill, doing the same in regards to her thirst. Lucy is happy. She does not scatter when the clock strikes a certain hour. The birds she hunts do not look to the sky to know the correct time to take flight. Life moves at its pace, and yet we as a species have chosen to constrain ourselves. 

So I sit, and I write this in a feeble attempt to sound profound. I think about how tommorow I will throw out my clocks, how tomorrow will be different. How I will live in the moment. How I will stop envying goddamn cats. How I will not dread awakening at 6:30 AM but cherish my body awakening at the time it has completed it's rest.

But the reality is that I do have to wake up at 6:30 AM. I do live in the existence of time. So all I can hope for now is to embrace that which times allots me. Hold on to those memories of friends. Set aside more time for interaction and freedom. Live a life that doesn't involve looking up at some infernal contraption and wondering where all the time has gone. So I am happy... and that terrifies me... but hopefully not so much that I don't enjoy it.