I undergo this pressure. It causes my legs to tremble. I break out into a throbbing headache. I can no longer think for myself. As the thought of being alone, teased, and excluded rushes through my mind, I begin to consider the preposterous suggestions. I imagine the disappointment on the faces of my loved ones, then reluctantly return to where the intimidating thoughts were taking me. My stomach feels strange. My body feels numb. This isn’t me and this wasn’t going to be me.  I was hanging out in the wrong crowd. Of course, it’s not really about being pressurized into doing something I didn’t wish to do. Rather, it is about the association with the wrong people, friends who had once been a firm wall of support and motivation, were now clouding my sense of right and wrong. My sense of self-awareness was seemingly absent.  There was no questioning, from some I suppose, yet no one refused as they avoided the feeling of being out of place. I could rely on my surefootedness---- I didn’t cave into peer pressure.

 Despite my surefootedness, this past year I somehow found myself hanging out with those that negatively pressurized me, and I relentlessly supported what they did. Most of my high school friends were the same ones I had back in middle school, the time when we were side by side and all laughter and joy. I was a part of a group and I loved being with my friends for all the times we spent together; the talks, the chats, the laughs, and the secrets we shared of the moments only the best of us would know.  The hardest thing to say was goodbye, goodbye to these friends I had once known, they were no longer the same, they began to change. I did not who they were, as if I didn’t know them anymore. This   urge of rebellion had suddenly dictated their lives and ideas, provoking them to break curfew, argue, and voluntarily take intoxicating substances. I felt the pressure of this sort of influence weigh in on me, I didn’t want to be left out so, I followed blindly with the sense of security that I was included in the group, with the belief that as long as I did not live up to people’s expectation, what I wanted wouldn’t be clouded.

One minute we were the same old youngsters joking around, singing, and dancing, then in a split second when everyone had come together the vibe, the atmosphere and the mood was so different. A cigarette had just been lit. I suspected that those that had never touched a smoke were going to, but I kept silent, figuring that the others knew better.

“Just breath it in from my mouth?” My friend asked unsure. 

“Yeah, like suck the smoke all the way until you feel it inside.” Another replied, showing where the smoke would go as she took a breath in. 

“Wait, would I feel sick afterwards?” Now, my friend asked worriedly as she held the cigarette between her fingers---preparing to put it in her mouth.

"It wont hurt you.You'll be fine." The rest assured.

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At the end I was wrong, they were unsure themselves and for the first time ever each of them took a breath in and blew out the smoke. They coughed but looked proud as they broke through the barrier like an achievement.  It was enough to stop me in my tracks. My heart sank, I really did not want to this. The majority of my view was filled with smoke, clearing out as the cigarette was passed on from one mouth to the other and all I could think was what my parents would think, what their parents would think, how harmful this was not only to our health but our reputation. What would people think of us? Of me? My tense thoughts were interrupted by the realization that my closest friends, the ones that had promised not to do anything of such had already taken a drag! My anxiety increased as I watched them. “Just try it.” I heard what my friends were telling me. I knew it was wrong, but the offer still sounded tempting. However, after much contemplation, my conscience ruled out. I told my friends that what they were doing was wrong, that I didn't want to participate in it, and I walked away.

 The difficulties only increased from that point on, with one glare after another glare. Though I thought what I had done was the right, I could not ignore the feeling of being excluded. I started to break down, my head throbbed even faster now, growing louder in my ear. Whether I took a smoke didn’t matter, not only was I alone now but I was judged by others for the actions I didn’t do but simply because I was with those that did. Unknowingly, people saw me as one of them and this was when I had felt the effect of peer pressure. Questioning my own sanity, I reflected on the choice of my friends, were they the ones for me? Taking ownership and responsibility over my own actions and thoughts, I was able to become a valued part to a more comfortable and welcoming group. Hanging out with people who had the same interests and views as me allowed me to avoid situations where I felt pressurized into doing things I did not want to.

My fear of looking dumb and my so called “friends” not liking me anymore was worth it, I realized that my true friends are those that would accept me the way I was. The “cool crowd” was the wrong crowd and not a fun experience as it seemed to be.  I think that having the strength to say no is what helped me feel good and stick to what I believe in, and eventually after I had been able to find those with a similar story, which took a while, but I was no longer related to my once upon a time friends, and I was no longer judged. Rather my actions earned respect from others and I gained a confidence from within. All I needed was a little bit courage to keep me safe and out of trouble through my own morals. I learnt to take a stand, where I created an atmosphere on my own, a positive atmosphere----- a positive pressure.