Tuesday morning: 4:45 p.m: At my house.

I’m sitting in my room getting ready for practice when all of a sudden i hear my phone ringing. It was my best friend Brooklyn and it concerned me because she never calls unless it’s something very urgent so i knew something was up. i answer the phone.
“Hello?” i said kinda confused.
“Kennedy!” Brooklyn shouts into the phone, “Big Dog just called me and he said.. ” she stops.
“Said what roo?” i said in a worried voice.
“he called me and he had said that something was going on with Courtnee and that we all needed to come to the gym early so Tanya could talk to our team and that it was very important.” She stated.
“did he explain what it was?” i questioned.
“No all he said was to be at practice at 5:30 instead of 6:00 today” Brooklyn said in a calm tone.
“Alright i’ll be there sis.” i said.
“Okay see you there.”Brooklyn stated.
We hang up the phone and i’m just sitting on my bed confused. I’m thinking about all the things that could have happened. I stop thinking about that topic and start to get ready for practice. I’m all ready to go and i head to Midwest.

I get to the gym and everyone was so confused . nobody knew exactly what was going on. standing next to my best friend Brooklyn Massie and everything in my mind went blank. Tanya, in a saddened voice started to say something… “girls i wan….” she couldn’t finish it. she starts to break down. no one had ever seen tanya like that because we all knew how strong she is and at that moment i knew something was terribly wrong. it was silent for a couple minutes as we let her recuperate and get herself together..she starts over ..

“girls...i want to let you all know that i will always be here for you. no matter what , matter  what the time is , what day or anything if you need someone to talk to i need you guys to come talk to me. do not hide behind your computer screen and make it seem like everything in your life is going good when it's not. if you need someone to talk to , call me. f*** it, if you need anyone to come sit with you at lunch CALL ME !!! i will always be there for you guys. promise to me that you guys will always call someone if you need help”. she stopped and looked at us. “ we promise” was said by the whole team “that being said i want everyone to know that our beloved femme sister, Courtnee Eastman has passed away..”

Words can't even describe the pain and sorrow i felt when those words were said. sad was an understatement. when i heard those words they went into one ear the never came out the other. i'm shocked. i don't know what to do , what to say, how to react. im speechless. i look at Brooklyn and we start bawling our eyeballs out. that was our teammate. she went to the same gym as us, did the same tumbling skills as us and everything. we roomed together at competitions, we had so much fun together. why? how? why courtnee? i knew she was having some problems with her boyfriend that she had told us about but she never made it seem like it was anything she couldn't handle. i also knew people were bullying her at school but once again she never made it seem like it was anything she couldn't deal with. i had so many unanswered questions going through my brain i couldn't think straight.

Days later Tanya had called us and said that Courtnees visitation would be on the following thursday. when we get there, Courtnees mom is standing at the door with a nervous, sad look on her face while she waited on us. She was nervous to walk in again because she couldn’t handle the pain she felt when she saw Courtnee in her casket. I told her that Brooklyn and i would walk inside with her not knowing how to handle the pain myself when i walked in. Holding onto Courtnees moms and brooklyn's hands very tightly we all walk into the chapel together not knowing how the rest of this was going to go.  We get inside and i can see her casket wide open and start bawling. i can’t believe this is real , i feel like i’m dreaming. courtnees mom is an emotional wreck right as we enter the building and Brooklyn and I had walked with her to her seat in the front row. She’s sitting down in her chair and all i can hear her say is “courtnees still at her friend's house. she will be home tonight. she misses us dearly she can't be gone” her husband is trying to comfort her and get her to calm down so she can stand up to talk to us. when she finally gets herself together she gets up out of her seat stands on the big platform next to courtnee and begins to speak….

“I want to say thank you for all coming today to hear about my precious courtnee. i knew she had been going through some rough times and i asked her every single day if she was okay and if she wanted to talk about something and i always got the response “no mom”. i was in her position when i was that age. i knew exactly how she was feeling but i never thought she would've taken her own life.” she stops and takes a deep breath. “this hasn’t processed to me at all yet. i thought everything was going to be okay. i thought she was fine since she didn't tell me anything. but little did i know she was hiding stuff from me. but she's in a better place now and God wanted her back home, back to where she belongs and could be happy with herself.” everyone is in tears, snot running down their faces tissues all over the floor and in everyone's hands. 5 hours later and still tears running. By this time it was time to leave and it was still a bright beautiful sunny day. the sun hurt my eyes when i walked to the car. i look up above me and say “why, why you court”. but then i start to think, don't ever question God and what he has in store for anyone. We finally get into the car and i still can’t think straight but as we leave i try to leave all the sadness behind but it was so hard . i can remember all the good times Courtnee and i had together. Going to menchies after practice, staying in the same hotel room for competitions, how happy she was that she was going to worlds for the first time with such an amazing team and so on. there was never a day where she wasn’t smiling or being nice to someone. i can’t imagine how she would feel when she saw everyone sobbing about her absence. But she’s in a better place now and that’s all we could ask for. She's gone but never forgotten and she will forever be my guardian angel. I try to visit the menchie's that we would always go to but it's not the same anymore. she would always get strawberry lemonade with strawberries and chocolate sauce on it. it looked gross but it was obviously great in her eyes. that spot will never be the same anymore because she's now the missing piece of our puzzle.