Recently in my sex education class, we learned about unhealthy relationships. I was surprised that the only stories we read were about the physical and sexual abuse side of them. I wanted to show through my old relationship the emotional abuse of an unhealthy relationship so that you know the warning signs. Like the other stories I don’t want sympathy I just want everyone to know the signs so that they won’t get trapped like I did.

In the beginning, Paul* was always respectful and kind. He even wanted to meet my parents so at that time I thought he was perfect. He always knew what to say and how to say it. My dad on the other hand didn’t buy into the whole not scared to meet him thing. My dad told me that was his first warning sign but I thought my dad was just being over protected like he always was.  Anyway, I convinced my parents that he was a good guy and that I should date him.

As the time passed by (about 2 months), he started to act differently. I told him about how my parents wanted me to go community college because it would save me money. He told me that I wasn’t allowed. He said that it isn’t a real college and it doesn’t teach you anything. He told me that I had to go to an expensive college. I tried to tell him that maybe my parents were right I mean it is only two years, but he wouldn’t budge. That was warning sign number 2.  I was always changing what I wanted to be until about two and a half months into this relationship when I finally had my heart set on accounting. I told Paul that I wanted to be an accountant and right away he blew that idea out of my mind. He told me that I wasn’t allowed to do that and that I should be a doctor or nurse instead. He broke my heart then I started to question all of the important things that I decided on like college and careers. He then told me that I am apart of too many activities and that I should stop doing all of them to hang out with him. That was warning sign number 3. He should understand that I have a life outside of him, right? Wrong…
He always made me text, call, and skype him every day at least once a day. If I didn’t answer him he would call and text again, and again. If I still didn’t answer him then he would text my friend to try to make me answer.  Warning sign number 4.

Anyway, I wanted my friends to meet him because he was my boyfriend and I wanted them to approve. He came with us to our local carnival and my one friend told me she hated him so she decided to not hangout with us anymore. When I went out with him we then invited my other friend, her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s friend. After we all hung out my friend told me that the guys didn’t like Paul because of his attitude and how he looked at me (warning sign Number 5).

In month 3, things got worse. Paul never left me alone; he became extremely possessive (warning sign number 6). He told me what to wear and how to look. I remember that he forced me to wear my boots whenever I see him and he didn’t allow me to cut and dye my hair. (Warning sign number 7). He also started to tell me how to act and what to say.

See, I tell my parents everything that happens in my life no matter what. Once I told them about the things that were happening with Paul and they told me to talk to him and tell him what is bothering me even though I tried that at least 2 times already. With the talk that I had with him he yelled at me for telling my parents everything he told me to stop telling them everything about us because all they want to do is separate us and make me stop loving him. I believed him, but I still told my parents everything. I mean I had to they are my parents after all.  After that talk, he punched a tree and kicked a pole. (Warning sign 8 and 9) That was part of his mood swing because right when he came back to talk he told me and he was crying and then angry again. He told me that no one else would want me if we broke up. I started to believe him, I forced myself to stay with him I mean I thought he love me. I also didn’t want to lose him because I put so much into the relationship. Anyway, for every problem we had, he always blamed me; he told me it was my fault for what was happening (warning 10). After hearing him saying that constantly, I started to believe him. I constantly apologized for what was going on.

Even though all of those were just emotional abuse that was happening, by the end of the relationship there was physical/sexual abuse. We had this thing that was called the red light rule. This rule was so that we didn’t do something that made the other person feel uncomfortable. Now in theory it worked out great until now. He started to get touchy, always having his hands on me in some way. He either had his hands on my butt, shoulders, hands, or arm. Sometimes he had me against the wall with my back towards him, and when I told him to stop kissing my neck he wouldn’t. He then started to slap my butt even when I told him I hated it, he didn’t care (warning 11).
The last day I saw him I remember I wouldn’t kiss him I told him I was done for the day and he grabbed my arm in a forceful way and pulled me back. I tried to fight back and get out of his room. He then pushed me against the wall and I called his sister but she couldn’t come in because he locked his door. I pushed him but he grabbed me again and this time pushed me on his bed. He put my arms near my head and put his arms over mine so I had no control. He began kissing me and I found the perfect opportunity to push him so I can try to get out him off of me  and as I was getting  the door opened he grabbed my arm as I was getting my foot out. I saw his little sister and I told her that he wanted to kiss me. (The thing with his sister is that she never wanted him to kiss me so I knew that if I said that to her she would stay and I knew he wouldn’t hurt me if his she was there). Anyway, I finally got out of his room and went near his little sister, he kept coming by me and I stepped away and told him not to touch me.

That day I knew I had to get out of the relationship. I was scared for my life I thought he was going to hurt me.  I didn’t want to see him after that so I broke up with him through text message. He didn’t want to stop dating, he called me telling me that it’s my fault that we broke up and he did nothing wrong.  Now other people in this position probably will have more problems getting away. See about 4 days after the break up to my luck Paul had to leave for National Guard boot camp and stay there for the next 6 months.  I wouldn’t have to worry about him showing up until Christmas break.
 

Once he left I got about 6 letters from him and in one of them he mentioned how he felt like a killer (which in my opinion is another warning sign because he hurt me once and now he has combat training so now he knows how to hurt me if he wanted to). When he comes back I am going to be extremely scared to be home so I am going to live with my grandparents so he doesn’t know where to find me for the two weeks of break. My mom told me that if he comes to the house she will call the cops. My mom and dad both know that if I see him he will manipulate me into wanting to date him again since he knew what to say and how to say it.

After him I haven’t been who I was. I constantly say sorry to everyone because I feel like everything is my fault. I am scared to date again. I feel like if I fall for a guy he will turn out just like Paul. I flinch if someone puts their hands on or near me. I became distant to people also. Unhealthy relationships change you and it’s hard to become the you that you use to be.

Words of advice:
1. Even if you love someone please keep an eye out for warning signs.
2. Know the warning signs
a. Not supportive to things you do
b. Doesn’t listen to you
c. Isn’t liked by your friends
d. Text, calls, or video chats you all the time
e. Is extremely jealous or possessive
f. Checks up on your constantly or makes you constantly check in
g. Controls how you look , what you do, and who you see
h. Keeps you from seeing friends and family
i. Has mood swings
j. Makes you feel nervous (not in the good butterfly stomach way)
k. Put you down
l. Blames you
m. Makes you feel like no one would want you
n. Threatens you hurt you, them, or family/friends
o. Hurts you in some way
p. Pressures you to have sex
3. Don’t be scared to tell an adult, they could help you get out of  the relationship
4. Don’t take everything your significant other says to you because they could be extremely manipulating
5. You aren’t alone many people go through it

*Names were changed