"Are you ok"? A question I'm all to familiar with along with others such as "can I ask you a question"?

And "are you gay"? The answers to these questions in order are "yeah I'm fine, I'm just tired", "sure", and "no I'm not, are you"? These questions are the ones I can see coming from miles away. When I say I'm tired I really mean I'm tired of life. The other untold side of being gay is that it hurts. It hurts you so emotionally that the pain becomes physical. We are told all are life that we will marry a girl and have kids, a box of safety, comfort, and acceptance. But when you find out you might be gay the first thing I did was panic. How can this happen to me? Why me? Questions I'm all to familiar with. But it doesn't and never stops there it grows deep inside of you and stems a horrible thought deep in your head. Your hideous. A fraise that I am all to familiar with. This thought travels through my mind and is all ways there. It emerges when you look in the mirror and casts it's shroud of hideous over you and that is all you can see. A hideous worthless monster. That is all you are to your self. And soon the only one bullying you is yourself. You lie in bed and think of your life and how it could have been different. You ask yourself what you did to deserve this. You realize that you are just an ugly monster that isn't even worth the air you breathe. It physically feels like you are drowning. You can hardly breathe because the words that you speak are true in your heart and nothing you can do will change that. So that is why I am tired. I am tired of struggling through life with my self. "Can I ask you a question" is the question I lie to your face about I desperately want to say "no" or walk away like your parents taught you when you're in a situation you don't like. But you can't. If you deny it all it dose is confirm you are to the other person and makes them try harder to get the answer that they know is true. You can't walk or they follow you can't talk or they'll wallow. Wallow in the words you speak for longer then they need. You can't. You are forced into another box separate and alone from everyone. You are now shoved in to the closet a cold and damp place where dreams literally die. You realize how different your life will be and how no one will be able to help you. You hide from every one and split your sole into to halves. One for you and one for others to share. That's right part of you belongs to someone else. Part of YOU. You have to put on a show every day of your life to appear normal. You become an amazing liar from having to spin webs and mazes to guide people through to keep them from the truth. But they add up and the next thing you know you don't. You don't know who you are you don't know what you like you don't know what you want to do. You don't know. You become the most mature and self sufficient person you know because what your parents taught you didn't cover this. The principals of their teachings are yanked out from them. And nothing they could've done would've prepared you for this. You learn to do things for yourself. You make your bed and sleep in it. Then you are asked "are you gay" and your mind races. If they ask you this question they already know the answer 100% of the time. You say no and pray that they stop sometimes they do, but other times they don't. You change the subject or spread rumors anything to get them to stop. You hate to give a dog a bone. It takes there attention away for some time but nothing could hold them back for long. And not after long you finally experience a crush. But it's not on a girl like you where taught it would be. No it's a boy, you feel warmth it fills you up inside the dark closet. And you feel so alive and new. You want to just express your lover for him. Nothing could stop you. Except a dagger to the heart. You remember that your "crush" is straight and that you have no chance with him. You are shoved so far back into the closet and the demon comes back. You start to think of yourself as a monster. You look at him and say to your self "no". Then you cry because you didn't choose this life and the only thing that made you happy is something you could never touch, hold, keep, to love. You are trash. That is all you are to yourself. It comes back around and you are put in a cycle of self torture and pain. It hurts more then anyone could should bare. The pain becomes to much and you realize that there is a way out. That you could stop the pain. You grab your pillow and your blanket and get ready for an eternal sleep. You pet your dog one last time because he was the only one that supported you. Talked to you. Cared about you. It's time to go to sleep and find a string to wrap around your neck. You start to pull. Harder and harder. But you can't end it. You believe that you are too weak. You could never have the strength. You cry because you are bound to a life of pain. But amongst the tears you realize that you are strong. Your second half has joined you again and saved you from the mistake that you knew was wrong. You are whole and better. You now know that you are the most important thing to yourself. You keep alive stay alive push alive. You are glad that you saved your life and then push to break down the closet door. One shutter at a time. Peace by peace you open the door and lookout into the new world. You are blinded by the bright light of opportunity. You realize how much you had In the first place. Happy and free you walk into the world. Ready for new questions with the truth for answers not crippling lies. These are the things that are wrong with me. I can't look in the mirror anymore. I can't be myself. I am judged. I am told to "just change" and asked why I "choose to live like that". So I ask them this. "Why would I choose to live this life? Why would I choose to be picked on and made fun of? Why would I choose to have a lesser life then the ones of my friends?". I don't. I don't choose to live like this. It sucks and every day is pain and struggle. I didn't choose this. I don't want this. So next time you look to judge me look at my life and consider that my life is harder then you thought.