Lost. Lost in my mind. Lost in my ways. Lost in this world, not knowing what I’m doing, or where I’m heading. I do not know how to live my life or how to handle my life in almost any way. Growing up I had everything I wanted and if I needed something, someone would help me and talk me through it. I swore I would grow up to my parents expectations. Now at the age of eighteen, I find myself walking a different path. A path in which is the opposite direction I intended to go.

By the age of fourteen, I had a close group of best friends that I could turn to for anything. Slowly we grew apart and it was painful, but not nearly as much as the following years they spent repeatedly leaving and re-entering my life. The periods in which they left contained multiple fights and few texts which came from only hate.

I was sixteen when all hell broke lose. Why all hell broke loose I will never really know. The only thing i do know is that that summer began a long line of emotional breakdowns. Emotional breakdowns that began with crying myself to sleep, then turned into physical harm to myself. Months of no stability. Weeks of not eating and pills. Days of sudden panic attacks that I did not know how to handle.

Eventually back on track, only to turn around and enter a new level of hell. All friends gone, only two standing by to be there for me. More months of no stability and emotional breakdowns, along with humiliation and shaming from people I thought were my friends.

By the end of summer I had found my way. I had control and stability back in my life. It felt good to know what was happening around me. To feel myself laugh and smile, was one of the best things I had felt in a long time. It felt good to back to school and know who was there for me and who wasn’t.

Two years later, after being in and out of struggle, I’m right back where I started. Back in the same boat for a different reason. The words cancer and chemotherapy now constantly consume my thoughts. It’s worse this time around. It is no longer just not eating and no stability. It now includes starting arguments for no reason and pushing friends as far away as possible. Everyday I am more surprised at the person who I have become. Someone who knows exactly who they are, but is surprised at how little I actually know myself.

At the age of eighteen now, this pattern continues. Days where I know exactly who I am and how to keep myself in check. Followed by days where I am consumed within the millions of thoughts running through my head. Lost within myself.