I woke up feeling uneasy, as if I wasn’t my own self. I felt miserable, agitated, exhausted, some feeling that I’ve never felt before. I’m suffering through depression. I didn’t want to go to school, do classwork, nor associate with friends and family. I always enclosed myself in my room, building up my feelings without ranting them to anyone. It came to the point where it has gotten serious.

In early April 2015, I was diagnosed with severe depression. I knew I wasn’t myself six months before that. I just let it pass by without worrying about it. My doctor decided that it would help if I was seen by a psychologist to get some form of help. As a few weeks went by, seeing the psychologist didn’t improve my mood. I was then put on a trial for antidepressants and having to continue to see the psychologist regularly.

During late July, it seemed that I was improving slowly but I still had to see a psychologist. That’s when I met up with a new psychologist, Cody. He has helped me so much in only four visits which made me feel a lot better. Before going to my last appointment, I made Cody  a painting as a way to say “thank you.” As I handed it to him, he looked overjoyed. He was proud that he has helped me get back into one of my hobbies I used to enjoy and love. After my last appointment, he made me promise to him that I would try to go on my own and try to take his suggestions to improve my depression.

Sadly, his suggestions didn’t help at all. Till this day, it’s still severe and I’m slowly becoming suicidal. It’s getting to the point that I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel trapped, as if I’m unable to escape this torture. I’m always thinking negative about everything and I still hold in my feelings and thoughts. My medication isn’t helping me in the long run, it’s mostly a “placebo effect.” My hobbies that I used to enjoy: drawing, painting, listening to music. They’ve become useless to me. Those used to be a way to get away from everything that stressed me out or put me in a dreary mood. Now they’re just pointless to me.

I can admit that I’ve pretended to be happy for so long and everyone would still believe that. Of course, many would find this sappy in a way, but it’s just something that needs to be said. I’m trying my hardest to overcome this difficult path in my life, it just takes time and patience.