How do I tell this story. I guess I will start with how I knew her, but I will keep it short. I met Ashley in the 8th grade, and I knew she existed from the 6th grade. She sat behind me in the Worst Spanish Class Ever to Exist on the first day of 8th grade year. Looking back I don’t know if I can say I was lucky she sat behind me that day, again i just don’t know. We became instantly inseparable. She was my best friend, a type of friend a person is oblivious they have until they don’t have. We stopped talking everyday in the 9th grade. There was no good reason we were painfully drifting apart. I guess a reason would be we had completely different friend groups, circles, and we just stopped talking one day. We would awkwardly wave hi at each other during passing periods. We went from inseparable to strangers. I guess that’s what I regret the most is drifting from my best friend for no apparent reason. We didn't have a major fight, she didn't betray me in a horrific way, there really was no reason whatsoever. Anyways moving on, on September 21, 2014 I was mattress shopping with my cousin who was attending college. I was with my cousin, dad, sister, aunt, uncle, and cousin #2. We hadn't found a mattress yet so we took a lunch break at a hawaiian restaurant. I was in the middle of lunch when my phone buzzed, it was my friend who we will call friend #2 (he was pretty high up on my friend list). He had sent me a picture of my former friend Ashley and a message “is this the ashley you used to hang out with?” I was annoyed because I actually thought she was part of those Instagram “rate me” things, where guys rate girl on their looks and vice versa. So I blandly replied “yeah, why.” What I didn't know was that was my last 30 seconds of feeling okay, safe you can even say. He responded with a completely non-sugar coated message “her and her brother died last night in a car accident.” I sat there and stared at the phone for a few seconds trying to comprehend and understand death. Trying to wrap my head around the idea that if this was true she could never breathe on this Earth again. I was trying to wrap my mind around the fact that if what friend #2 told me was true she no longer existed anywhere, limbo. I did not cry, I did not whimper, I did not scream, I did not take off running until my lungs bursted open, I did not yell at God. I just sat and tilted my phone to my dad to tear down his world as well. He stared at me for a while and asked if I was okay. I said I was but in reality i just didn't know. I announced to the table of my family the news while not crying and I excused myself to the bathroom. I did not cry there either, I stared into the mirror and then suddenly had a punching match with my thighs so I wouldn't break down and scream. I did not cry that day, I just was looking up key words in google for example: teen death, car crash, fatal car crash, teens crash, anything to find a story about them until I finally found them. I just kept rereading “Ashley,16, and brother Raymond, 19, were killed early saturday morning at around 1 a.m” I reread it until I had no other choice to believe it. the day after I cried, hard. I was talking a shower like a zombie just standing there letting the water hit me and then i crouched over and silently cried. I didn't want to make any noise because I didn't want anyone to hear me. But I cried until my head hurt and my mom knocked on the door. I just sat there and cried and cried and cried until I just laid down and let the water run off me and I laid there motionless with my eyes opened and just thought:

  she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead. she's dead.

she's dead.

After that I was in and out of school for a week, and when I was in class I wasn't really there. I sat there and stared at my weak little hands on the desk and cried like a little baby. I didn't move or make noise I just let the fresh tears roll out of my swollen red eyes and run down my puffy warm cheeks and land in my hands. I got buried in assignments and essays and all of my grades dropped. I just didn't care. I wanted to stop or numb the pain from myself but in the end it was too much and it consumed me. I think about her everyday since September 21, 2014. I could be making toast and she crawls into my mind and infects my thoughts and then my toasts burns. But even though the thought of her hurts me so much I rarely discuss her. I don’t spill my feelings to my family of friends. I bottle it up and then my mind decides to shake the bottle so it can explode in me every once in a while, and when that happens it’s horrible.
I guess that hardest part of her death is the fact she no longer exists in the world. She can never become a Selena, or a Stephen Hawking, or a Justin Beiber, or a Julia Roberts. She will never be remembered after her circle of friends and family dies. She will forever be contained and trapped in our brains alone and when the circle dies she will permanently disappear. She would have never existed according to the Universe. She will no longer matter and there will be nobody to miss or remember her. The world will move on and leave the idea of her behind. I write this story not with the intent of pity or sorrow, but to share her story so I can keep the idea of her alive. I understand I couldn't do anything to keep her alive and I can’t bring her back, but I can try to share her with people in the world so when I die she can live in the corner of someones brain. Nobody will remember Ashley after the circle dies but the idea of her will forever be somewhere drifting in your brain juice. You will not remember her after reading this but this will be a memory in the cells that make up your brain.
I encourage you to be you. Ashleys life had an early unexpected expiration date, and we all have an unexpected expiration date as well. I encourage you to use your time wisely on this Earth. Take any risk and opportunity that comes your way and fill your life with happiness and meaning. Mark your place in this world whether that place be in the center of your circle or in the  minds of millions of people. Don’t back down from something out of fear of judgement from others because nothing, you and I included, will not matter after we die. So speak your mind and truth no matter what, and find your inner peace.
“The answer is not in the sky. The answer is in the heart” -Gautama Buddha