I am sitting in the padded, plastic lobby chair. My leg is bouncing up and down uncontrollably. My mind is racing with what-ifs. The next 7 weeks are going to be hell. All of my walls will slowly crash down. I will be naked, afraid, and vulnerable. I will be dependent on other people. I will be challenged and pushed to my limits. I will sit in group and individual therapy, realising my fears and emotions. I will make some beautiful friends and met incredible people. I will become a new and better person. It wasn’t always like this, let me go back to the beginning.

There is this girl looking back at me in the mirror. Her hair is fragile sitting in its tight bun. Her eye clouded with sadness. Her body is overweight, out-of-shape and quite frankly disgusting. She look at every single flaw carefully; inspecting if they have gotten worse. The girl in the mirror can not smile anymore. She no longer laughs freely. She is stuck in her thoughts. The girl looking into the mirror is thin and bony. She can not see what others are telling her. She feels like she has one but there are people all around her. She cannot seem to sleep at night. When sleep does come to her, her cheeks are littered with tear stains. She is no longer herself and she is no longer Nikki. She is the monsters inside her head.

Its April 23rd 2014. The 3rd official day of Spring Break. It was a sunny 70 degree Wednesday. The car is moving slowly down Sterns Road just passing Whitman Center. The car is silent; my brother, my mom, and me do not make a sound. This may seem peaceful but it is most definitely was not. This was the day I was being admitted into treatment. The day I was being sent to prison but also getting my life back. As the car rolls past the stone quarry, the ditches get deeper. I take a deep breathe in and ask my mom to drive the car into one. I do not want to go to treatment. I am afraid of losing control. She looks at me and slightly smirks saying no. The rest of the car ride I stare out the window, hoping that I will not have to go.

It is June 13th 2014 my last day as an inpatient. I am finally ready to go back out and experience life again. I was excited to go home but I also was nervous for my exam the following Monday. It would be my first real week back since before spring break. I was afraid of being unsupervised and afraid of relapsing. My best friend from treatment had left almost a month ago on the 16th May. I missed her like crazy but could not see her because she was 5 hours away. I could finally start texting her back. I felt ready but not super confident.

Its another average day of school September 24th 2014. I woke up and stumble to the kitchen to eat breakfast. After breakfast I start to get ready in the bathroom. I look up into the mirror that is now covered in positive sayings with only a view of my face. The girl in the mirror has good and bad days. She has days when she no longer wants to fight and days she wants to last forever. Her eyes have a special glow to them and her hair is growing faster than ever. She is planning for the future no longing afraid of what it holds. Though, the thing that  matters most is  sometimes I can find Nikki once again.