I always think I am the epitome of perfect. I always feel that there is nothing that I can do wrong, and that any misahappenings which happen in my life are a direct result of someone else's meddling.

I ignore my mistakes, I forget my mistakes, I don't consider my mistakes mistakes. I give explainations, and reason out my behaviour in a way which seems most logical.

I feel like my friends don't care for me at all, they forget my birthday presents, they forget to call me, the don't need me and they are unavailable when I need them. I It's always 'other' people who are fault while 'I' am surely always available. I am the martyr, unselfish and unloved.

Recently it has come to my notice that I have never been near perfect, I am a selfish backstabber and I want to hate myself. I am tired of reasoning and excuses and I have done something unforgivable. I don't know if god exists or not but I am scared, again, for myself only. The extent of my selfishness surprises me. This is a public confession since I do not have the guts to come clean to my friend. I feel that would unneccessary sadden her and she doesn't deserve it. Confessing only eases your burden, you always shift the burden onto the other person. I need to keep this to myself until it eats me alive, I need to be punished, and I am scared that no punishment would be enough.

I used to like this guy, now here I can say that people do all sorts of stupid things when their hormonal balance has gone for a toss, but just NO. There are no excuses. While I was texting him we were speaking bout our various friends and their antics. Suddenly just too seem cool infront of him I fibbed that I have nudes of a lot of friends of mine. He replied saying obviously he didn't believe me. I did have a picture of one of my friends in her underwear, and I decided to send it to him. Now he didn't know her and she didn't know him and I thought it wouldn't be such a big deal. Sometimes in the all about me approach I forget that other people are people too.

After a few months I had forgotten about the incident because it had seemed so trivial at the time and I ended up introducing the two friends. They started dating (in consquence breaking my heart, punishment number one, still not enough). The incident was wiped clean from my mind, everyday due to the rampant digitalization, we go through hundreds of conversations, sometimes we don't even remember selling our souls.

During a conversation with this other friend of mine, he told me that my crush told him about my friend's picture which I sent him. All of a sudden it all came back to me. Now I was forced to stand in a witness box with no answers. I started with denial, eventually moving on to humour, then surprise. What do you do when you know you're guilty?

I realised I have always been this despicable person, I go so much into the current conversation that I forget the privacy shared in the previous one. I don't think twice before sharing information when I deduct it doesn't concern the person I am sharing it with. Maybe the same disinterest creeps in the things I do, the same unloyalty. One day it is this, other days it is that. I never think about other people, I never think what will be their take on me talking about them. If the same thing happened to me, I'd go ballistic, I'd blame the universe. When someone tells me the name of their crush it seems like a insignificant piece of information which can be shared with a nice cup of coffee, but my crush's name? Oh it is sacred.

The realization of my wrongdoing creeps into my brain at weird moments, while I am dancing, or when I am studying and I hate myself. I know I can forget this too, I am so capable of moving on that it scares

I feel like I need to be away from everyone, I don't deserve their trust and it is best I go away because I will never learn. These people, it is so easy for some of them to follow these simple norms; why can't I be sensitive to other people, why do I have to be completely blind? There must be a bubble I live in and my vision is distorted beyond help. Here I am putting myself first and thinking I am Mother Teresa.

I would never tell her because she doesn't need to know her ex boyfriend liked her for completely unemotional reasons. I need to let the guilt kill me, but I don't know if I feel gulty enough.

My mind and its stupid rationalizations.

Me and my selfishness.

Some things I don't need in my life, I don't need a 'me' in my life.