I had just one person with me at all times. Even though she wasn’t really there much herself, she was there more than anyone else
I was age 10 in 2009 when my sister first ran away. We stayed with a friend of our dad's. Nobody really wanted to take care of the two of us. I was very unresponsive most of the time and I only spoke when I had to and my sister’s skull was thick enough for you to hold a drill to it for a couple seconds and it would only leave a scratch. She was abnormally stubborn.

She was named after the light. Radian Rose, she spread her opinion as if it was the heat in the suns rays.

I never really thought of her as the only person that was always there for me. I never had her in peripheral usually like a younger sibling would an older sibling. But she was in fact the closest thing I had to a home, she was my anchor and she held me in place. Even if that place was constantly changed.

It was two in the morning and I wasn’t able to fall back asleep. She had come in and told me she had a car outside waiting with all her stuff packed. I asked her why at least a hundred times and the answer was the same each time. She wanted to leave, she didn’t like it, and she couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted to ask what she couldn’t do anymore but I already knew what she meant. I was tired of picking up and leaving as well, tired of loving new things only to turn my back on it a couple months later to never see it again.

The last thing she had said to me was a question.

Will you be alright if I leave?
She knew I would not be fine but I was forced to say yes anyways. For myself, she was stubborn and she would leave anyway. It would be less of a pain on me if I had told myself,
I was fine with her leaving.
I watched her through the window.
I watched her walk, with her head high looking directly at the sky and I knew this was just a stunt. Another game, she tried too hard to win something when there was no prize, when there was not the slightest competition.

I never understood her, she was constantly looking for something to look forward too. I never did this, I always thought even if something would come, it would not be there for long.

I had more of a negative outlook on most things,

I was left in the house for the rest of the summer with my dad’s friend and her son and my sister hadn’t spoken to me at all since she left. I thanked her for that later; I hated lying to our dad. It was tiring.

She came back a couple weeks later after the police had showed up to one of her friends’ houses and found her there. She came back smiling, like I suspected. She had won whatever game she was planning in her head for those two months.

This was just the first of many things my sister had pulled to prove our unworthiness . I never appreciated this from her. But she had a right, she had a motive and it was not wrong. We all have a line, one you draw to determine where certain people stand in our lives. Her line was just a lot thinner than most and a lot closer to herself. She constantly wanted revenge and would do anything for it but all that ever got her was trouble.

I always took an opposite approach. I just let things happen, I never expected anything from anyone. That also only got me trouble. You just cant please everyone and trying to hard makes things worse, especially if you fail.

I never was able to get even a smile of encouragement from my mother. Every time i tried, she raised the bar. The bar i wasn't able to reach from the start.

It just got higher and higher. More and more impossible to jump over.

But thats fine, isn't it?

Too not be able to achieve something, it is fine. At least , you'd like to think so.

Just a couple years later, I had lost my sister for good. I don't know this for a fact , but if I had the choice. I know I wouldn't come back.

I'd thought I would've lost my mind by now. Considering the things I had thought before , even just a couple months ago. But I haven't. I'm maybe just a little bit more insane than sane but you don't have to put that on a balance beam for the world to see. So its perfectly fine with me.

Its unbelievable what i consider to be a loss nowadays. Something as simple as an item of clothing, it has so much value. Its been places , its seen things. And if i have to get rid of it , i do feel the loss.

Its feel the same as any other loss. It sounds a bit harsh, I understand that. But I do not believe there is such a thing , as a minimum level of pain.

It all feels the same.

But so does happiness,
personally, it's as if my emotions were left in the sun too long, the colors have faded and its hard to tell the different shades of colors apart. They look the same.

If I was given the chance, would I want to know my next loss.

Who wants to anticipate that. Who wants to look at something and know, it might not be there tomorrow. Know for a fact. Not just wonder.
Wonder whether loving an object or a person was worth all this time.

I do know, that all cliché put aside. Some things, they do get better. I lost my sister, but i got my father back. I lost my home, but I've got a new one now. I lost a lot of love, but when it comes back. It comes back twice as strong. I've lost some sanity, and thats impossible to gain back, but if it was the same as before , I would not be who i am now.

If I was given the chance,
I'd take absolutely nothing back.