So you're one of those love buds, with a broken heart?

And the age old convention "relax, calm down, everything will be al right."

No, that's not his point because having patience is too mainstream. And then he'd be laughed at by the so called in-love fellow. "You don't understand, you never will, until you're yourself in it by all means".

Oh yeah? Is it that vulnerable? Like what? Running down into a mud puddle? Scrapping down your knee? Waking up in the morning to finding you're out of cereals? Well, right now, that is all worse, he can think about him being in.

"You'll realize my friend, you'll realize soon enough"

And he'd simply laugh, considering the conversation over with another one of such kind, so-called madly in love with their Sweethearts type.

Here's this guy completely untamed untouched by its existence. Love for him is a mere delusion, a non-existent reality, an evident lie. Provide him with the most logical of reasoning in favour and yet he will outsmart you with his wits. Involve yourself in an argument and my friend, he will bring you down to a point when you stop to think and forget to start again. In this Noble world of literates and mature, he is considered a heartless rebel. A maniac. A congenital hypocrite, "emotionally incapable of falling in love". Do you think he enjoys the glory of solitude? Speaking of hate turns him on? No.. No!

He wasn't stabbed by a green-eyed fairy at the Easter's Ball nor did he let his heart slip into the hands of the bloody witch in some enchanted ferry. The winged angel didn't betray him out of his slumber.

In fact, if anything, the shield of his undeniable logic didn't let the Cupid breach his heart. Though that Winged little Demon has had many unsuccessful attempts to break down his glory of singularity. Yes! He had a couple of faint crushes. Pity, love to him was still gross.
The Rubik of his life just in the place, perfectly. Yet to uncover its complications, suspense, mystery, stability and where it was about to fold the next moment.

"Oh, I'd tear up the pieces and put them back into place to bring about the desired perfection, just in case", he'd cleverly remark.
The only thing that worried him was the fear of loosing his Pokemon cards and collecting all set of Power Ranger toys before the neighbour's kid gets his hands on them. Why, yes! He was still Twelve. His overflowing bucket of logic and philosophy was about to splash on the floor with a big thud when one day he experienced a tingly feeling in his stomach.

Butterflies perhaps. The next day and for the next three years in an attempt to catch sight of her.

Neither a friend nor a foe, not a soul knew about it. He didn't intend to discuss about her either, he believed that it would crush down the glory of his pride and dignity. A young man with an unparalleled raging aura of attitude. I am not sure if it was his narrow mindedness of holding back his feelings or far-sightedness, which is quite irrelevant from a boy of his age. Whatever it may be this fine lad knew what he was doing until one day someone whispered about her being on the social network. That was the first time he signed up for Gmail, to join Orkut and still today feel stupid with the numbers in his Email Id which matched to her class roll, and the next big thing was "Your crush accepted your friend request". He was on cloud nine.

Is this the feeling they told he'd never experience? Is this the moment they told he'd never feel? All those butterflies in his stomach, does that deprives him from being a 'Heartless Rebel'?

You keep saying that because he's way past falling. He's just another clueless kid from the colony streets startled as the Lovelace corner of his heart unveils to a whole new phase. A desperate seeker of what's next, he had suddenly lost all his patience. A tiny dose of warm excitement lingers as he explains his best friend.

"Hard to impress with that sticky hairstyle of yours!". Exclaims his best friend with utter amazement.

"I don't care." He ends with a bitter remark which wasn't a surprising statement from him and his friend knew.

That evening, fiddling with his hair brush and gel he was sunk in a gloomy despair. Finding himself conflicting with thoughts, there was a slight shift in his opinion, his entire philosophy of individuality.

He struggled through the dilemma and somehow convinced himself to the fact that it was just a fatal attraction a mere infatuation.
For the past three years all he has been doing is trying to catch sight of her, all that mattered was having a glimpse of her face just for once in a day. Not a thread of clue to one single soul.

Now that she is in my friend-list everything seems to be in a fast forward motion, there was a sudden realization.
His friend knew and that they discussed about her. The entire idea of this discussion terrified him. That was for the first time he doubted on his loyalty wondering whether or not it will remain a secret or the entire class will get to know about it. He was unable to bear all that terror at once. A free spirit, haunted by the feeling of fear is probably one of the worst things on the planet.

And suddenly the computer screen popped. Jinkies! She was online.

It didn't take him a second to stop and think how to start the conversation for the very first time. His hands went on mechanically.

"Hey.."

A spark of hope dawned upon him, a hope that erased all his fear a hope that removed all his confusion. All his lifelong philosophy on individuality attitude and pride were suddenly covered in thick gray mist. The world for him had paused and for a moment his head to toe were glued to those three words

Aiman is typing...

"Wat dream u r dreaming. huh. dat u r nt sure dat u vl reach it."
Her first response, referring to his status: I can almost see it,
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it" (quoted from the song 'The Climb' by Miley Cyrus)

He kept aside his coffee mug and had counted three periods already.

A language lover like him was definitely distressed at her style of writing. He was highly provoked to comment on her misspelled words, its poor selection and awfully framed sentence. He knew by doing that he would leave the impression of making her feel awkward, so holding himself back he thought of a response to serve.

His sheer excitement had come to a calm. Finding his way back through the dense mist grabbing his attitude once again, he replied.

"It's a secret."

The conversation ends.
No, it didn't turn him off. He was determined to keep the conversation going in case they meet online again.

A week passed and one day he was quite amused by an idea which came into his mind. His best friend Subham who seemed more excited about that chat, his first ever chat conversation with a girl, screamed at the idea "No! Are you out of your mind? Don't even think about it".
He was all ears. But that moment strength of the mighty Chuck Norris had up surged into him. By the time he realized the pen of Shakespeare was going to land him in trouble the mail was sent already. Five minutes later, another mail signed as him, leaves his account which reads exactly as quoted below.

"Hey.. The last mail which you received that said you're my crush was actually to be sent to Miley Cyrus. There was a slight technical error in sending.

Apologies for the inconvenience. "

I still don't know how or what got into his mind on the 9th of May, 2009 but it was going to change his life forever. He didn't mention about that mail to anyone, anyone but her of course. His first crush, talking to her for the first time, it's the first week of their friendship and first he sends her an e-mail saying she was a crush and five minutes later stating about the technical error (that too, Miley Cyrus). You could imagine the level of insanity.

There is no limit to a man's stupidity when he falls in love with a woman.

Something like this was definitely stupid, though I'm not sure about the latter part. Whether or not he was in love came to light soon when he got a virtual slap in his face. She had removed him from her friend list the very next day without any response. A straight away solid insult. He couldn't stand the sight of it. "B****!", his lips pronounced. What bothered him was not that she removed him from her list, but she removed without a note. She had pinched his pride (which he had already lost after sending those two ridiculously stupid e-mails.) The dark grey mist over his attitude, pride and individuality suddenly faded to a grim realization exposing those traits to the fullest. He wasn't one of those to mourn and weep over a broken heart, in fact, if anything he knew he didn't get his heart broken. Obviously, if his heart was broken, he'd be dead.

Lifelong crush wasted in vain. He didn't have to put any effort to stop catching sight of her any more, his self-esteem did that part. The butterflies starved to death turn by turn. He was no more provoked by her thoughts. His old theories and philosophies started taking more of his mind, he was once again flushed with the idea of singularity and the disgrace of fatal attractions which was good for nothing. A year passed. Six months of his time in BMS remained when an another girl caught his eye. He had no intention whatsoever of being in a relation or letting this girl know about her being a crush. He had no control over his heart, nor he had any probable reasons to control his feelings though he knew he wasn't going to repeat the same mistake anyway. He wouldn't even grace getting acquainted with her name knowing she was a junior but his best friend Subham did the noble cause. "Harshita", he whispered in his ears.

By this time he was fortunately embraced by the thought that it was natural. That no matter how hard he tries, he couldn't help his heart slip over someone on whom it's meant to be. Someone who is going to be worth it. He just knew that someone wasn't her or whatsoever the crush barely lasted for a month or two anyway.

That's my unfinished story till the time I was here at BMS.

A story always has the usual good-vs-evil plot, but mines totally different. It is a true story, based on me, a nobody. And to be honest, I like the fact that I view my life as a novel. To me life is as always an adventure, a different environment from yesterday that promises nothing but more hope and dreams for tomorrow, while tears starts just as today begins. Well, that's what other day is to me, a day where almost all hopes and dreams of yesterday gets shattered into pieces today.

It all became more and more clear these days. A bad omen maybe?

So I had this thought in mind when I was officially enrolled in a MAPS register.

Amidst the series of emotions, the chain of thoughts and the excitement about the first day a part of my mind was also inclined to one particular thing. There was a voice whispering in my head constantly reminding me about the thought that I was going to find someone today, someone who is going to mean something to me.

My idea of a Miss Perfect. Yes, I've to admit I definitely had this thought in mind. Initially I'd only hoped that I'll find someone, but the moment I entered the classroom this fine lady caught my eye. All motion ceased, the world came to a halt. For once I could hear the pace of my heartbeats racing amongst the deadly silence. My gaze was glued to her dark shimmering eyes, I felt ecstatic. She was drop-dead gorgeous and an astounding personality like one of those French girls in a Glamour magazine.

Her sex appeal was off the scale. Her dimples out numbered the butterflies in my stomach. A rush of adrenaline ran all over my body as I was checking on her. She was busy in conversation with another girl, a technically ill-fated incapable of arousing interest type girl. Oh what a disgrace! I'm not a racist, but I did hold grudges for the other one.

You never know where life puts you into, the next moment with its strange twists and turns. Earlier this day I fell in love with the lady on the bus and now her. Damn! I fall in love with every other girl I see. Well played God, well played.

Keep aside, you don't have the outgoing guts to approach her and ask for her name. I knew even if it was my last day at the school as an oldie I wouldn't be able to do that. But hey its just my first day. I waited for others to call her by her name but no luck yet. Then the roll call. I couldn't get the first time. Oh, it was too complicated for me. Four days it took me and that too in sections. I still have the name written at the back of my Chemistry notebook, in parts. The first two letters from the second day roll call and the rest from the other days. The next thing I remember is she was on my list.

My exhilaration was at its peak and there wasn't a single friend who didn't know about it. They mocked me saying I wouldn't be able to make it up to her since I'm not good with making new friends and they were right. New people annoy me easily. Sometimes it becomes hard for me to figure out who's worth talking to and who's not. Someone who is likely to be a dull and boring person gradually turns up to be a way great deal of your interest, whereas someone you're suddenly fond of in first impression turns up against your expectations of what a perfect someone should be like, and until you realize the truth, you're too late. Worse, if you are already bad at socializing.

I did have a hard time making friends here at MAPS, figuring who's worth talking and who's not. One of my wonderful virtues, patience had a colossal role to play in it. I'm blessed that by fortunes in a high degree.

By the end of the first month I had almost half the class in my friend list. Though I wasn't very interested in approaching them in person rather than adding them on Facebook and waiting for someone to start a conversation. In fact, if anything, neither did I show any interest in starting a conversation in school. I was too self-occupied to start one myself. And a little lost too, it was a new place for me. But whatever it maybe I was still always curious to know who they were in case I got any new request. Barely any stranger could fit in the conversation so usually there's no way in for them.

My encounter with the Miss Gorgeous happened the day when I first found her Facebook profile.

"Can I have the pleasure to be on your list, lady?"

Oh! I recall how triumphant I was of my Gentleman like tone for a girl for the first time. Added there was a slight shade of shame too, for I had let myself kneel in front of someone by compromising my dignity. Again. A slightly formal this time. I wouldn't ever bother doing that to any other girl. But hey! She's a crush.

The very next day I was on her list. Sadly she hasn't replied to my message yet. She was online though. For once I gathered up all my courage to start up the conversation and we talked for quite a while. I think it went fair enough. At least I didn't screw things up this time, I kept mumbling in my brain.

The other day, the next, it was now the fourth day we were having a chat conversation and the very first thing she happened to notice about me was my language. I was spell-bound.

"Your English is nice"

I had the slightest clue that it was time for me to switch to our National language while I chat as to me, she didn't look impressed at all. I was sure it could no more nothing less mean criticism when she spoke of my language.

"Oh please, don't you dare make fun of me"

"It was a compliment, weirdo. Even your pronunciation while mam made you read aloud in the English period."

OK, now that's pretty disturbing. I just had someone speaking of my English being nice. I had a hard time pouring the fact down my throat. I had never walked past anyone complementing about my English before. Not until that day.

Broken legs and twitched knee is what I sense in English. Even my late grandmother could have judged with her specs off that I could barely spell any better than a second grade school drop-out. In fact, a dying lamb is what my dictation sounds like, a friend of mine once told me and I didn't have a hard time believing. Now here's this girl on the other side sitting, speaking of my English and my ascent. Needles to say she was my crush.
Was I daydreaming? Probably.

"Enough about me."
I quickly changed the topic.

To this day I realize, maybe yes, she somewhat meant it. And how I wish I could thank her for the appreciation.

The new school gave me a lot of confidence. I may not still deserve such standard compliments, but I'm bold enough to face them and strive to improve myself more and more. After passing out of MAPS, at least I've a feeling that my pronunciation is little better than a dying lamb! And I believe, with a little struggle, I can somehow write a grammatically correct sentence too. Special thanks to my English teacher(s).
Anyways, so we chatted at a regular interval and were pretty much good friends already and then here comes the day.

"Do you mind if I ask you something.. Who's that you've mentioned about in that post?"

I'm still smiling as I write this. I've been intentionally posting stuff about love, the whole time. She happened to notice one of my posts and was here with the question. Just exactly how I pictured it go. I couldn't stop myself from smiling at that moment. A part of my mind was also inclined towards the past tragedy. I couldn't repeat all those stupid, silly mistakes I once did without the slightest of idea.

"Sorry, it's a secret"

"C'mon, we are friends, aren't we? Tell me who's she?"

What are you supposed to reply your crush when they actually ask you about your crush?
I handled the situation with great precision.

"I'm not comfortable discussing that with you"

Much to my relief, she was convinced. But the question was, until when?

She inquired the same again the next day. I explained her briefly about my past insanity and told her about my belief regarding love being ruthless and that my posts were simply for fun and wasn't actually meant for anyone. I was suddenly getting pangs of my instinct. There was a brutal rush of dignified individuality pouring into, overflowing through every bit of me. I was hallucinating, finding myself amidst all the chances I had with her and battling them out of my life. That instance the answers to my entire survival was revolving around not letting her know about my feelings. It was one of those times when I went through a sort of the acute phase of seriousness.
She, gathering all her patience, listened to me. Listened to me till I had no more of it left.

"I understand what it feels like to being rejected. Don't be hard on yourself for one bad experience"

She left on a sharp note.

I was stunned. I was totally clueless of the consequences of what was just said. I sat motionless, staring at the computer screen. In absolute definability I didn't know how to react. The statement had clearly handicapped my thinking capability. The conversation for the day was certainly over, but her words kept echoing in my brain.

Curiosity lurked in a greed of reason and if by fortune of an unfortunate her cynicism provoked the trigger into hitting its mark accurately, regardless of the correctness of her opinion, what's more amusing was to wonder how come a person with little or no understanding about my life comes up with such a confident and profound reasoning.

I knew I wasn't hard on myself and this little lady's not-so-cool statement left a confused signature.

Days passed and so increased the number of eye contacts at school followed by an awkward silence. Out of annoyance I'd occasionally mumble myself that it was me who could stare at her for as long as I want she wasn't supposed to stare back and make me feel awkward. Though this sweet complaint was kept to myself forever.

By the time I realized that I was loosing the grip of myself, it had been a month. She popped up in my mind every now and then and there was this tiny dose of warmth rush in me whenever she came online. On a serious note it wasn't supposed to go this way. There was a cliche a sense of disapproval somewhere around the corner of my heart. Everything was perfect yet nothing seemed right. It took me a while to figure out that it was against the standards I had set for myself. All my attention was concentrated towards one single person, I was becoming a puppet of someone else's presence. The moment this thought struck my mind, I initiated a slighter check on myself, on every word I say, on every thought I think and for every reply I type, hoping things would find its way back like pressing the backspace key on a keyboard.
Things didn't work out how it was supposed to. You know its like when you want something but there's a voice inside you telling you shouldn't have it so you just silently convince yourself that you don't need it. You try pulling together every possible excuses bringing out all possible faults in the process of convincing yourself that you're actually getting over it, but in the end it matters not because you're pushing yourself too deep. You're involved in too much that you're not ready to give up, not give up until you're served with an appropriate reason, but until then you push yourself deeper and deeper in a silent battle between you and your own self, giving you severe mood swings.
Something in me mocked me saying 'I was in love' the other part, not much pleased with the remark, 'No, that's impossible', 'You can't be in love', 'You aren't meant to be'.

The human mind has a primitive ego defence mechanism that negates all realities that produce too much stress to the brain to handle. It's called denial. And I've already had this terrible itch for over-thinking. I was torn between my own inner voices conflicting with my emotions.
I longed for peace. The brainstorming, I was having that day didn't please me. With millions of thought running down my mind with the fury of a wildfire consuming a parched hay field, love is a terrible thing I wondered.

Somewhere in between, this dilemma, amidst all this confusion the answers to my prayer came knocking at my Facebook profile.

"Who's this?"

"Richa, I'm in section - B :)"

An ordinary girl, one among the dozen others from my class. Interestingly, she was the same girl who had just grabbed my attention a few days back for her use of 'daminet', instead of 'damned' and her poor 'Jupiter joke' on Shivam's post. Her profile gave the impression of a typical broken hearted maniac lover when I visited then, not luring enough for me to send a friend request. Though when I got her request now, there must have been something magical about her response that made me re-consider my decision of adding her. Who knew this daminet Jupiter girl was going to mean so much to me in future. It was one of the most beautiful decision of my life. I had a new friend that day. It was amazing how she and I came to be friends. She and me.

Just when I was longing for peace, battling with circumstances trying to understand people in this strange land, she popped up in my life. Seemed like a long drawn wish, slowly materializing into reality.

I loved the way that she always had this positive vibe around her at school, her ever smiling face, her charming innocence, her waving of hi's once we got acquainted. Her repeating of the same again and again if I don't happen to notice. It was everything about her that only made me want her more. It had been two months now and I was well aware of where my feelings were leading me to.

All these times I was friends with Miss Gorgeous too, with her favourite centre of discussion still has been taking about 'crushes'. I vividly remember the part of our conversation when she was trying to make me realize what love really is.

I don't know if I found my calling by concentrating and trying to think of one single person as she suggested, but gradually everything became much more clearer to me. I knew what I had to follow. My crush list shortened. Miss gorgeous, a good friend was more of a mentor now. The person behind my love updates had changed from Miss Gorgeous to the Daminet Jupiter Girl. This was definitely a gradual process, and, I have absolutely no idea how it happened.

..to be continued!