I remember as a kid I asked my mom a lot of questions. By a lot, I mean a lot. My mom was still in college and doing internships during my childhood, so she wasn’t at home often. But still, whenever she has her free time, I’d ask her questions and demand answers. When they weren’t what I expected, I asked more. I was like six years old when I started asking my mom questions, from silly to serious ones.

I remember asking her questions related to religion, faith, marriage, love, life, identity, language, and science. I was a peculiar child. I never played outside the house, I hardly ever invited friends to come to my house or get invited to come over. I rarely attended birthday parties and I was a bit nerdy so nobody ever talked to me. I spent my time after school at home, reading books and watching cartoons. Sometimes I watch crappy dramas and cheesy movies with my aunts when my parents aren’t noticing. I never saw a scene in those dramas or movies of a boy and a boy dating, or a girl and a girl dating insted of the couples I see on TV, and I hardly ever thought about it.
One day, I was drawing a picture of a boy and a girl kissing using my favorite blue pen, and then I thought about why I never drew a picture of a boy and a boy kissing, or a girl and a girl kissing. Why didn’t I draw a picture of a boy and a boy kissing or a girl and a girl kissing? Could a boy and a boy kiss, and a girl and a girl kiss? Could they fall in love and get married? It got me thinking back to those scenes on dramas, why I never thought of this possibility.

I wanted to ask my mom as soon as I finished the drawing, but she wasn’t home yet. I waited for hours and when she finally got home, tired stressed out, I asked her.

I asked, “Mom, can a boy and a boy fall in love and get married, or a girl and a girl?”

My mom looked at me like I was telling her that I’m an alien from outer space. Not judgmental though, just weirded out by a question that came from a chubby six year old that sometimes still peed her pants. She put down her bag, and on her way to the bathroom she said, “No sweety, they can’t,” and I was like “Oh, okay,” and then I went and watch some cartoons, not questioning anything she said because I, somehow, believed it was true, although a tiny part of me wasn’t actually sure. I wanted to ask more, but she was so tired I was afraid I’d piss her off.

***Just as a disclaimer, my mom isn’t anti-homosexual. Lately I found out that she’s neutral about this kind of matter and that the reason she answered like that was because I was too young. I needed to know first the basics of our social norm and unwritten social laws before I could find the answers myself.***

I never thought about it anymore during my tween years.

The worst thing I’ve done as a child and tween was using homophobic insults. I used the words ‘homo’, and ‘sissy’ a lot as an insult. Not because I was mean (I was a pretty decent kid), but because I thought it was okay to say those things. My ‘friends’ told me it was okay, just like how it’s okay to say ‘you’re so annoying’ and other PG-13 insults. Of course my parents didn’t know, if they knew then they’d tell me that I was wrong to do so and eventually, made me feel like crap because I did something horrible. The swearing doesn’t come out anymore after I left sixth grade and went to middle school. During middle school I stopped cursing and swearing, and today I have found better words as an insult.

It was not until I watched Glee for the first time during ninth grade that I’d realized that I was wrong. Very wrong. I was wrong to be such a rude, narrow, not open minded tween, although I’ve stopped using those insults. I was still very judgmental when I saw two guys walking holding hands, or when I found out that Anderson Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris were gay. I didn’t say anything, but I was pretty sure that I wasn’t pleased to find out that Barney was gay. Seriously, the guy who played Barney Stinson’s gay?

Luckily, I realized I was in the progress of becoming a homophobic and narrow minded asshole. I was so relieved that I watched Glee instead of watching something else because I couldn’t find the remote. The scene I watched was from the episode where the cast sang ‘Born This Way’. The other scene I watched months after that episode that I think is one of my favorite episodes was the one I cried to like a baby. I remember crying when I watched Santana coming out to her grandma. Although she wasn’t accepting, I cried because Santana had the guts to tell the person she loves about something that matters to her, her sexuality. Santana singing T-Swift’s ‘Mine’ was also so beautiful. I adored Rachel’s dads, I adored Blaine and Kurt, they were perfect, although Blaine cheated on him. What a disappointment.

But anyway, those scenes, episodes, and stories in Glee, since the first time I saw it and became a devoted fan, has opened my eyes to see the differences in each person not just from their appearances but also from their sexuality and personalities as normal things. It made me realize that I won’t be right and will never be right if I could only accept and be friends with people who are straight. I am straight, but I won’t forgive myself if I start being narrow. Being straight is good and all that, but being gay or lesbian isn’t wrong either.

This made me realize that if I ever have a child, and they had the guts to tell me that they’re gay or lesbian or bisexual or whatever, I won’t blame them or call them a freak. I’d hug them, kiss them and tell them they aren’t freaks, that it doesn’t change anything. They are still worth it, they are still my blood and my flesh. It just so happens that they are slightly different than what society has expected. They still deserve someone who genuinely loves them, they still deserve the right to get what they are supposed to get and do what they are supposed to do if they’re straight. He’s still him and she’s still her, and I’ll still love them unconditionally. That’s what you’d sign up for when you plan to have children, wether you like it or not.

Being gay isn’t a choice. You’re just born that way and you can’t cast it or pray it away, because that is what you are, who you are. A tiger can’t change it’s stripes, a heterosexual girl can’t be asked to switch on the ‘gay’ button and suddenly like girls. I tried it myself and it didn’t work out at all. I’m still straight but who knows, we’re all somewhere in the middle. We are all mysteries, and during my development as an actual person, I found out that sometimes the truth isn’t always white and the lies aren’t always black. You’ll always have the color gray and sometimes, things are a mix of right and wrong, true and not true, bullshit and not. But there is something I know that is worth believing:
Everyone is a treasure, life is a blessing, and love is a miracle.

Whenever you see someone, don’t just see through them. Look at them. Look at who they are, don’t look at what turns them on or off. Don’t think about wether that person likes a penis or a vagina, sings musical numbers or listens to complaint rock or angry girl music. We have to be able to see a person, not a sexuality. Just like how after the feminism movement we are asked to open our eyes and see that women and men are the same, are equals, we are asked to see a person, not a gender. Just like how after the black rights movement we are asked to open our eyes and see that we are all created equals, we are asked to see a person, not a race, to see a person based on the content of his or her character instead of the color of their skin. Although we are different in many ways, we are all the same, and we deserve the same love and we deserve the same rights. Enjoy the blessings you have to be given the rights you deserve, but help others in need of their rights, too.
Some may think that this is a part of the grey area. Some may think that this is a part of the white area. Some may think that this is a part of the black area. What I think, is that it does’t matter. Sometimes you just don’t need to think about and force yourself to define what is wrong and what isn’t. You’ll just get tired and end up disappointing yourself. Accept, love, and open your mind. We are all equals. We deserve the same love and the same rights. We deserve to belong to this world. It probably isn’t the absolute truth, but hey, everything is always somewhere in the middle and everyone is always somewhere in the middle. Peace.