“I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now. But hey, what'd daddy always tell you? ‘Straighten up little soldier. Stiffen up that upper lip; What’cha crying about? You got me.’”

(When I was little, I thought you were brave. You never cried like mom did; instead, you wiped my tears away. You always told me to stay strong, and you promised that you would always be there. But dad, you lied. You aren’t here. You are leaving for hours, sometimes days, at a time. When you come home, it’s like you never even walked through the door. When we do notice you, when you start talking, you just yell and yell. You aren’t the man I remembered; that man is gone. He left me. I don’t want to have this new dad.)

“Hailie, I know you miss your mom and I know you miss your dad when I'm gone but I'm trying' to give you the life that I never had.”

(Mom, you and dad both grew up without a family, and suddenly you think that I am better off without mine? You don’t understand anything if you think that I am happy without both of you. I know you try to pretend; I can live with a fake family Mommy, please! I can’t live without my daddy. I don’t want to live in this new life you have made for us.)

“I can see you’re sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh. I can see it in your eyes that deep inside you wanna cry.”

(Mom and dad, you guys are trying so hard to keep me and the sisters from seeing how bad things are. I feel really guilty for getting in trouble all of the time. I feel like it is my fault that things are so bad between both of you. Maybe dad moved out because of me… he is always yelling at me.)

“Daddy's with you in your prayers. No more cryin', Wipe them tears. Daddy's here, no more nightmares.”

(Grandma, you’re about to die, and I feel like you are trying to take me with you. As you decay, you just get more volatile and clingy. I feel like being around you shouldn’t be like this; all of the nasty words and the pity on both ends. I feel like I am dying of cancer too. I am praying for the first time in years because I don’t know what to do. Soon, you will be somewhere that isn’t here, and mom says it will be better, but I don’t think it will. The wounds that you say you and mom inflicted on each other are still there, there will only be one less wounded person. You are supposed to be there for me, like in Grand pappy’s lullaby, the song you wrote for me. It’s childish, yes, but I still feel it anyway.)

“We’re gonna pull together through it; we’re gonna do it.”

(Caleb, I know this is selfish, but after all we went through together to be happy, I feel like it wasn’t enough. I miss you; I miss the days that we were both broken. I used to be able to call you crying, and you would answer and stay on the line until I felt better. You could always count on me too, remember? I told Lexi all of this, crying while I talked. I feel selfish! I am willing to sacrifice your happiness so I can have you here to help me. I miss the days when you were alone with me. Everyone says that isn’t selfish, but I know better. I saw Vickie in the nurse’s office today. She is outspoken and angry. She kind of reminds me of me. I love you, you know. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend.)

“Lainnie, uncle's crazy, ain't he? Yeah, but he loves you girl and you better know it.”
(I feel like no one in my family accepts me. Even mom hates when I talk about my girlfriend, Jill, and dad rolls his eyes when I make mistakes. The other family doesn’t get me; they think I am weird. The cousins hit, spit and kick. They call me ‘gay’, and insult me. And yet Grandma says they all love me. That’s tough love, I guess. What did I ever do to them? I guess I am not trying hard enough to get along with them.)

“We're all we got in this world; when it spins when it swirls when it whirls when it twirls, two little beautiful girls lookin' puzzled in a daze. I know it's confusing you; Daddy's always on the move and Mama's always on the news. I try to keep you sheltered from it, but somehow it seems the harder that I try to do that the more it backfires on me.”

(Looking through all my childhood photos brings back painful memories of cold, war, and hunger, but also of tranquility and bliss. Along with the tears came smiles and giggles and popsicles in the summer. Headphones and Christmases that looked a lot better under the flash of the camera. I remember the New Years’ that Dad and Mom bared each other to make me and the sisters happy. I really love the pictures of Linden, Emmie, and I with Dad on his bed cuddling and telling stories and jokes. You can barely tell that there was no Mom in the pictures.)

“All the things growing up as daddy, as daddy had to see, Daddy don't want you to see but you see just as much as he did.”

(Dad, I think I know how bad it hurt when you were a kid, even I don’t think I can relate; I don’t even know what happened. All I know is that I have a tortured father who cries in his sleep. I know that the reason you are haunted manifested when you were a kid, It didn’t just come from the recent issues you had to face. I just want you to know that I finally understand. I think I can finally forgive you now that I understand a little bit. I’m not even sure it was my right to be mad in the first place. I just want to say that I love you, and I understand. And that I am sorry.)

“We did not plan it to be this way, Your mother and me; but things have got so bad between us, I don't see us ever being together ever again, like we used to be like when we were teenagers; But then, of course, everything always happens for a reason. I guess it was never meant to be; but it’s just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is.”

(Dad, I know you hate Gigi. She was a bad Mommy, and she hurt you continuously your whole life. I know I won’t ever really know what it was like. All I know is that I love her; I get that the woman I know is not the one who raised you. Mom, the same goes for you. I am sorry I don’t have the same opinion of Grandma. She keeps blaming s*** on me, and so does Gigi. I know in my heart that a grandmother doesn’t do that. Maybe they are just demons in cloaks, or maybe mom is right, and they are doing their very best, no matter how pathetic their best is. I don’t f****** know anymore. All I know is that what it is isn’t how it should be. Life is a b****.)
“No more worries; rest your head and go to sleep. Maybe one day, we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream.”

(Veronica, you are my sister. I will always love you, but I hate your guts. I am ashamed of everything that happened between us, and I don’t really think I will ever be able to tell anyone else about it. Caleb and Marjie know, and so does Hallye. Mom will never know, I can promise you that. I don’t even think I am capable of telling the story a fourth time. Are you ashamed? I’m sorry, sis. I really am. I am also sorry about what happened to you. I acted badly about it. I know I try to make things about me; I’m self-centered. Then again, so are you. I guess we don’t get along because we are too much alike.)

“It's funny, I remember back one year when daddy had no money. Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up and stuck 'em under the tree and said some of 'em were from me; daddy couldn't buy ‘em. I'll never forget that Christmas; I sat up the whole night crying, because daddy felt like a bum. See, daddy had a job, but his job was to keep the food on the table for you and mom.”
(Sometimes, when I hate my father, I think of how it must have hurt when he was away, filled with guilt and pain. I know what it feels like to want to kill yourself. I remember how much stress he was under, and I know that I didn’t make it a lot easier for him. I wish I could have been a better daughter or less of a burden… or some s***. I remember on Christmas, he came over and we slept on the floor in front of the fireplace. I had never seen Daddy cry, but I saw him sob that night. I watched my own dad break in front of me. He held me, and everything was so warm. I finally felt safe. That was a turning point for us…)
“At the time, every house that we lived in either kept getting broken into and robbed, or shot up on the block. Your mom was saving money for you in a jar, trying to start a piggy bank for you so you could go to college. Almost had a thousand dollars 'till someone broke in and stole it, and I know it hurt so bad it broke your mamma's heart.”
(…the next Christmas, we had almost no presents, and it killed mom, because she felt like we all deserved a full Christmas after the hell we had to face. She didn’t understand that, for us girls, it was the best Christmas ever. Mom and Dad loved each other, and they loved us.)
“And it seemed like everything was just starting to fall apart. Mom and Dad were arguing a lot, so Mama moved back on to Chalmers in a flat one bedroom apartment, and dad moved back to the other side of 8 mile on Novara.”

(Jill, I love you baby. You were the best girlfriend ever. I wish I could hold you and wipe away all of your tears. For one, I don’t get how such a broken girl could be so happy and sweet; Two, why the f*** would a girl like you fall for me? I was a terrible girlfriend, and yet, your friends tell me you miss me and you want me back. I wish it could be that easy. I wish it was like all of those Shane Dawson short films you watch. We could be a normal couple, and no one would stare, and it wouldn’t end in heartbreak. This song reminds me of you; “Hush little baby, don’t you cry.”)

“That’s when Daddy went to California with his CD and met Dr. Dre and flew you and Mama out to see me; but daddy had to work, you and Mama had to leave me, then you started seeing daddy on the TV. Mama didn't like it, and you and Lainnie were too young to understand it. Papa was a rollin' stone, mama developed a habit, and it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it.”

(I hate you, Change; you have continually f***** me over my whole life, and I am sick of you pushing me around. You are the evil monster under my bed. You are my worst fear. You made Dad leave and you made Mommy cry. You made Marjie and Gen come and go, and Caleb too. You are slowly killing me. Go to hell.)

“I'm just sorry you were there and had to witness it firsthand, because all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud. Now I'm sittin' in this empty house, just reminiscing. Looking at your baby pictures, it just tricks me out to see how much you both have grown. It's almost like you're sisters now. Wow, guess you pretty much are.”

(Hey Linden, Emmie; I have this issue that manifested as a child. I feel this responsibility to take care of you guys, I had to take care of you guys when mom and dad couldn’t, and over time, ‘Cadie’ started looking less and less like something important. I had to take care of everyone around me, or I wouldn’t feel happy. I’m sorry I am controlling. I can’t help it sometimes. You guys are growing so big; Lin, you are taller than your older sis now! I love you guys. I’m sorry you had to see all of my breakdowns, and face my volcanic rage. You shouldn’t have had to deal with that.)

“Daddy's still here; Lainnie I'm talking to you too. Daddy's still here. I like the sound of that; yeah it's got a ring to it. Don't it? Shh, mama's only gone for the moment.”

(M.J., I wish I could call you sister or step-mother sometimes. You have a lot of problems, yes. So does Mommy, but I still love you. Mom keeps saying it’s a shame you’re gone, but I know she never liked you. I see you in the little crevices in the house, and in the pink lipstick I put on sometimes. I see you when I look at myself in the mirror. If mom wasn’t in my life, I think you would be my mother. We look alike, Marjie, and we think alike too. I can barely bare this alone; why did you have to leave?)

“Now hush little baby, don't you cry. Everything's gonna be all right. Stiffen that upper lip up little lady; I told you, Daddy's here to hold you through the night. I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why; we fear how we feel inside. It may seem a little crazy Pretty Baby, but I promise, Mama's gonna be alright.”

(Dad, you have a right to be mad about what happened that night. I really was thinking about ending everything that night. I don’t know what that will change, me admitting that, but I think that needed to be clarified. I think I need help, Mommy. Everyone says I am okay, and it will all get better. I just feel to burdened dealing with everything at once. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better kid. I know you’re sorry you couldn’t be better parents. Let’s be honest; we all have a lot of issues. They say it will get better, but every day, it just gets bleaker and darker.)

“And if you ask me to, Daddy's gonna buy you a mocking bird. I’ll give you the world; I’ll buy a diamond ring for you, I’ll sing for you, I'll do anything for you to see you smile. And if that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine I will break that birdy’s neck. I'll go back to the jeweler who sold it to you, and make him eat every carat. Don't f*** with Dad.”