"I just want to get home already. I miss my bed." I was talking to myself again while my roommates were either at breakfast or in the shower. Me? I'm still in bed as usual. 8:12 in the morning and I'm so close to running late.

Marching band has a contest today and I have to babysit the freshmen on the back sideline.

I just want to get home. Now.

"I want to see my puppy.
I want to see my mom.
I was to see my two best friends in the world."

I can already tell it's going to be a long day.

My band marches their show (twice) and we do the same routine after each one:
-get on the bus
-get changed
-get off the bus
-watch the rest of the performers.

After the last performance we got free time and I texted one of my friends.

"I'm held up on my promise! I'll see you Sunday night, I swear!"

I started to feel weird.. It was 7:24 PM and I haven't felt this weird in a long time... I don't like it.

My band gets back on the bus after our free time and guess what? We get back into our uniforms.

"Tomorrow morning I'll be home. I'll sleep all day then go to their house tomorrow night to see my girls."

Perfect plan.

The Pride gets back on the field for massing and I stand next to another best friend. We hold hands because we're nervous; this is my first contest with everyone.
They call the names out one by one.

11:11 PM and I wished on each number:
-for this night to be over.
-for a fast trip home.
-for a high ranking.
-to see my friends at home faster.

I was feeling weird again. You know that knot in your stomach when you feel like something is about to happen? That lump in your throat? It was that...but less subtle.

11:25 PM. The judges announced third to first place, calling our name last! We won! That means we get to do one last performance. During this one everyone was laughing, crying, and falling over. But we didn't care because we had already won. What are the judges going to do? Take away our title?

That ends and we get back to the bus. Everyone changes and gets comfortable in their seat so we can sleep.

But I don't. I don't sleep. I still have that feeling. I can't shake it, it's like it's glued to my thought process. It's definitely going to be a long night.

5:53 AM. The sky is blue but I feel black. I feel shrouded. Hidden by that gut feeling. Our bus pulls into town finally so we all groggily wake up and wait to get off. People run inside to use the bathroom and others slowly walk to the lounge to lay in the chairs until someone wakes them from a restless nap.

7:45 AM. I'm finally home but I can't sleep. I just get on the computer and see how disconnected from the world I was this weekend. I'm on YouTube when I hear the little chime of the Facebook message alert on the other page. A long message saying "congratulations on first place but I'm very sorry for your loss."

What?

I had multiple messages like this. Wha was going on?

Then I read the sentence, the line, the one phrase that changed my attitude, appetite, and emotional distress almost instantly.

7:52 AM I call him and tell him the news. I woke him up. Good.

8:12 AM He rushes over here and just holds me for a while before we start walking. We're both silent. Holding back the tears we know are about to fall almost instantly.

7:30 AM, 5 days later and my world is still black. But I'm a little excited and nervous! I get to school with a positive attitude and my favorite pink shirt in tow. I'm half smiling and half in tears. I get pats on the back, hugs, and boxes of tissues handed over to me when asked.

3:15 PM. I'm actually a little excited now! I get to see my best friend today! Really soon actually. I need someone else to go with me.. You know.. For moral support.

3:34 PM. I get to where she is and get really nervous about going inside. He drags me in by the hand to see her. Our best friend.

He lets me go first. I slowly walk in her room..looking around and I see her picture placed on top of a pretty pink box.

There she is.

I keep walking.. Left, right.. Breathe in, breathe out. I can do this. I put my hand on the edge of the box.

There she is.

She's beautiful. I wish she would wake up.. I need her to keep me from crying over her. I need her hand in mine to help me not shake hers in plea. I look at her with stinging eyes and a trembling chin.

Yeah, there she is. As pretty as a painting with her make up, nail polish, and her curly red hair. She's still. Not a breathe of a flutter of her eyelids.

Her hair was out of place so I fixed it. She's cold. A slid my hand down her arm to her hand, halfway expecting her to smile or jump up and yell "surprise!"

But she didn't.

So here I am.. Standing over her. Thinking. Thinking too much. Whispering to her about how much I loved her. How excited I was to see her today. How I went all day thinking, "hey! I get to see my best friend after school!"

And you know what? I did. I saw her. I saw her one last time before I crawled into a shell. The exact shell she brought me out of. I wanted back in. I wanted her to help me out.

But she wouldn't be able to do that. Even if she wanted to--even if anyone wanted her to.

Once again, I stand here. I stand over her like I'm bigger, but I'm weak at the knees and faint in the heart. My head gets lighter with every second I keep my eyes on hers. I have to hold on to her pretty pink casket to keep myself up.

Once again she is my rock. Never letting me down. I never let her down. I kept my end of the promise.

I came and saw her after contest.

She just couldn't see me.