You never know what you have until it’s gone. And once it’s gone, you can’t get it back. This idea is a very universal one, but it is an idea that I never really understood until August 14, 2012.

In fourth grade, I was a very popular girl. My mom was the co-leader of the Girl Scout troop and I was one of our top sellers and over achievers for anything in school. My grades were always all A’s and I was friends with everyone. Teachers loved me. Life couldn’t be any more perfect. I loved everything about it. The summer after fourth grade, everything went directly downhill. Mom and the leader of our Girl Scout troop got in a huge argument and decided to no longer remain friends. This created a divide of great measures between me and the rest of the troop. That slowly, but surely, snowballed into the rest of the grade shying away from me. Rumors were being spread. I was very unhappy. I began dressing different. I died my hair purple. I wore jackets and skinny jeans; even in the dead middle of summer. I thought I would never have any friends for the rest of my life.

Fifth grade began. I saw a glimmer of hope with the new girls that had just moved in from Cheyenne, Wyoming: Elaine and Alana. They were twins. They dressed like me. They acted like me. They didn’t like the popular scene. They were JUST like me! Life was looking promising. We vowed to never split up. Ever. We gathered two other girls to become friends with us throughout our fifth grade year. By sixth grade, we were inseparable. We had to do everything together. We laughed together, had sleepovers together, took classes together, did group projects together, and even did five way phone calls together. These girls were my new best friends. By junior high, nothing changed. Jumping forward to the end of our junior high career, one of the girls had moved. Her name was Makayla, but we were never the closest in the group, but she was part of us. We were all upset, but it was just one raindrop in the hurricane still to come. Freshman year was just okay. Madison had left our group and gone and found new friends. Elaine and Alana were drifting, somewhat because they did alternative schooling so they could begin working on early graduation. Those girls were closet geniuses. They were bright, beautiful, and underestimated. People didn’t really open up to them because they looked different. Alana had cut her hair and Elaine got her nose pierced. They were a bit more eyeliner than the average 14 year old. But, they had the cutest laugh, prettiest smile, and best personality that anyone could find. I struggled through my freshman year with friendships because all of my girls were drifting. I never talked to Makayla or Madison anymore. And I only talked to Alana and Elaine when I saw them around campus. After my freshman year, I had a boyfriend for company. He was nothing like a girl, though. I couldn’t talk to him about the average girl problems. I didn’t have anyone that summer after freshman year. But, that’s how my fourth grade summer was. I figured I could just make it through the same way. I would make other friends and I would be fine. I thought that until August 14, 2012.

That day was the turning point in my life. My boyfriend and I were running to the store to get groceries for my mom. The sun was out. It was a beautiful day. I was wearing running shorts and a t-shirt. My boyfriend was cracking me up and we were blasting the radio. “Austin, turn it down! Burns is calling me.” I picked up the phone smiling from ear to ear. I hung up with tears rolling down my face. Within that 3 minute phone call, I had learned that Alana was found dead in her twin sister’s closet that morning. Nothing could have prepared me for this. My best friend was no longer. I couldn’t get her back. I couldn’t do anything to change her mindset. She had taken her own life because she had no one there for her. Elaine is still, to this day, in shock. I am as well, but I had an incredible amount of tears shed. I went to her open casket visitation, her funeral and burial, and a park get together created for Alana. I was disappointed that not many people showed up. I was very hurt and offended that only three people from Milford showed up. I thought the details were much too gory to share, but Alana is in a safe place with my thoughts of love for her. I would’ve done anything to save her life. Unfortunately, fate has funny ways of working.

I have learned to love every single day that I am capable of it. I have learned, because of this amazing person, to never get too down on life. I have learned, because of Alana, the meaning of life.