“Dad, Where are You?”

Growing up I had things that every kid could only dream of: a big house, a boat, a campground, a big yard, and the best mom and siblings any kid could ever ask for. But, there was always one thing missing . . . a dad. My mom got married when I was three. (Three years after my dad was tragically killed.) Her new husband’s name was Jeff and he was always known to be my “dad”. He did spend time with us; however, it was only when he wanted. He never came to my cheerleading competitions or track meets. He never hugged me or told me he loved me but, for 10 years that’s what I thought dads were. I didn’t know it could get any better. We went out to dinner, we played corn hole and softball outside, and we just had fun.

Everything changed when I was about 11 or 12. He stopped coming with us out to eat, he NEVER came to Christmas while we were with family in Chicago, and he just stopped caring. He started getting really mean and honestly: he scared me to death. My mom would sleep on the couch and I always remembered going down and sleeping with her because I was sad for her. There were holes, not only in the door from fists, but in our hearts. We spent time in our rooms together bawling our eyes out because we didn’t know what to do. It even got to a point where he got mad in the car and I honestly thought he was going to purposely kill us or hit something on the way home. One day, my sister got kicked out of “his” house and that was the end of it. Two weeks later my mom, sister, brother, and I moved into a rental house and they filed for a divorce.

We had exactly what we wanted and that was to be away from him. We didn’t hear from or see him for almost three months until Christmas came along and then he offered to take us shopping. It turned into him seeing us or us going over to our old house just to feel unwanted, and to get lectured on how bad of a mom we had, and how poor we were going to be. He would make up story after story and would tell everyone. He turned everyone he could against us. Eventually, after what seemed like a million Facebook fights, I gave up.

I thought I would like not having a dad, until my mom started dating. That put me through a living hell. Dating meant that there would be boyfriend after boyfriend taking my mom away from me. I didn’t want her to give them all of her attention; I wanted her to give me attention. I was a freshman in high school going to school every day in tears because I thought it would never end. I thought my mom didn’t care about me. My sophomore year my mom found a boyfriend and two years later he and his son moved in. That was worst situation I’ve ever been in. I absolutely hate it. I don’t like not having a dad. Her boyfriend doesn’t even try to talk to me. He hasn’t said a word to me in almost a month. Half the time I just want to scream and cry, I just want out. I go to school every day and wish I could just stay there longer so I don’t have to go home.

I’m graduating in May, and I should be worried about college, not trying to make a “family” a family. I just want someone in my life that won’t try and be my dad, but that I would respect enough and love enough to have become a fatherly figure. I want someone that when I grow up I would love my kids to call grandpa. I grew up with grandparents that didn’t care. When I’m older, all I want is a real family. I feel like it’s not going to happen if I can’t find a man that I can say “No, he’s not my dad, but he’s the best guy that’s ever come into my life,” I dream of that day, knowing it will never come.

Nothing feels worse than having someone as your dad for 13 years that doesn’t even talk to you, see you, or even care about you. He doesn’t care that my grades are good. He doesn’t care that my surgery has paid off and my knee is finally perfect. He doesn’t care that I’m graduating and doing something amazing with my life. He doesn’t care that I’ve grown up to be someone that I’m proud of. Most of all, I just wanted to make him proud and have him stay in my life. But he’s turned into a scary person that just makes me sad. My dad is dead, and that won’t ever change. But what I do want, is someone that wants to consider me their daughter and that will absolutely love it. Until then, I just will continue to make my dad in heaven as proud as he could possibly be. Never ever complain about having two parents that annoy you, because some people would give anything to just have a family again and feel loved by everyone.