When I was a toddler, my family members always seemed to say, 'She'll be such a heart-breaker when she's older.'
Damn do I hate that they were right.
Facts: I attain straight A's on every report card. I can sing. Well. I try my best to keep from hurting people. Mostly emotionally. I am a reader.
Result: Guys find me attractive. (Crap)
I hate the fact that this might make this make you think I'm an egomaniac, but it's just honesty.
A lot of guys have told me they 'really like me' to my face.(I'm not going to try to explain exactly what that means because I'm sure you have the general idea.) Me, being a reader, am absolutely messed up when it comes to emotions. (You probably get that too.) This, mixed with the fact that many of these boys are truly sweet people, makes for many unhappy endings for them.
Like I said, I hate hurting people's feelings, but I also hate comforting people with lies. So what is a girl with issues identifying emotions to do?
Well, get to know the guy to see if she'll develop feelings for them, which has them falling head over heels and her more confused than ever. And man does it sting when I have I to tell them that I don't know if like them back that way. Or that I ever will.
Their heart is broken and I lose a friend. (Let's face it people, after that sort of thing no one can truly be your friend.)And that is the repeating story of my terrible "love" life.
I've considered to just stop talking to boys because no matter how hard I try, I always unintentionally cross the line between being nice and flirting. 'But that would be rude!' I told myself. Maybe I'm just being selfish and enjoy flirting behind a facade of hating to hurt. Maybe I really am a horrible person. And instead of hiding away my attractive features like the good person I try to be, I show them off.
I truly do want to be nice. And many people really do believe that I am. But I'll never believe them. I've never once felt something other than simple joy around my guy friends. And since I don't know any empaths, no one will ever know until it's too late and I end up damaging their hearts.
This is where my love for reading comes in. I don't know if my expectations are too high. Are butterflies in your stomach real when it comes to loving someone? I've only ever felt it backstage before my solo in the school's musical. Is the fire in your veins real when you kiss someone? My first kiss was strange and cold and unemotional. Am I some sort of freak with an under-developed amygdala? Will I ever really figure it out?
So I'm stuck waiting for answers that may never come and trying my darndest to believe in True Love. That when I find him, it'll be okay.
Because what else can I really do?