Influences from the media create a life full of materialism and envy, none of which will make you fully happy for long. This past year has tested me to the extreme in every way possible.
My mother and I have always been close, if ever I had a problem I would go to her. She always had the answer. We would tell each other everything, probably more than we should but it worked. There was no secrets just brutal honesty. Until February 12th when my mother found out she had pancreatic cancer… She acted as though nothing was wrong but I sensed a change in her, she was more private and quiet. We grew distant; I was annoyed at her for being that way with me. Every time I asked was everything ok she closed herself down and brushed me off.
Things must have been getting too much for her because on the 24th of April she confessed. It didn’t sink in for days. I did some research and scared myself silly in the process. She was going downhill fast, deteriorating right before my eyes. People often ask me how I coped with the stress and worry of having a mother with pancreatic cancer but I can’t answer because I don’t think I did. As terrible as it sounds I believe my mother, the wonderful and lively women that she was, died on February 12th along with her faith in the world.
On the 7th of July she asked me something that pulled my life from underneath me. Seeing herself get worse had become excruciating so she asked me to do the undoable. Commit murder…
Euthanasia was illegal in Northern Ireland but it wasn’t in Sweden. I soon learnt that my mother had been saving her money to allow us to travel to Sweden and partake in Medical Euthanasia. What was I supposed to do? Could I say no and watch her suffer? Wouldn’t it be kinder to put her out of her misery? But then again it was murder…it was willingly letting my mother end her life. I didn’t know if I could do it.
The 9th of August brought about a change in my mind-set. I was no longer unsure about what to do, I was going to Sweden with my mother and I was going to help her end her life. The way she talked about it made me realise that it was the only way she was die peacefully and at ease. I had to do it the guilt would have killed me and I couldn’t bear to see her suffer anymore because I wouldn’t go along with her plan.
She left this earth on the 12th of September, exactly six months after she was diagnosed with an incurable disease that seeped into every part of both our lives.
I will never see the world in the same way again…