A few days back, during a seemingly innocuous conversation with a few of my friends, a freshman friend of mine asked me an interesting question: "Do your parents know you went gay?". I stopped for a few seconds, deciding how best to address the question. I went with the what-the-hell-I'll-tell-the-truth approach, and explained my rationale. Simple enough, but I couldn't get the question out of my head. It wasn't the fact that she had come right out with it; what had bothered me was the implications the question carried. Granted, she meant no harm; it was merely a question that reflected longstanding prejudices against LGBT people.

1. "...you went gay?"

The assumption that going gay is as a simple as choosing a red shirt over a blue one on any given day seriously disturbed me. It's like thinking that one day I can be white, and be black the next. Gay people have as much choice over their sexual orientation as heterosexual people do, meaning they don't. If anything, it's a subconscious choice, not something we decide at the drop of a hat. The fact that she asked me this, in the way she did, showed that we, society as a whole, still believe that homosexuality is a deviation from the norm, not a preprogrammed intrinsic part of some of us, but instead a willful choice to be different. I'm not aware of anyone who would purposely choose a life filled with struggle and discrimination. Thus, it angered me that she had merely assumed that my homosexuality was merely "an expression of my individuality", a rebellion of sorts, rather than a true, unchangeable part of myself.

2. "Do your parents know..."

In society, coming-out and all its consequences are viewed as some sort of initiation for LGBT people, a rite of passage before one can enter the gay world. Well, to me, it's a bunch of crap. It's not that I'm afraid of telling my parents (they already have an idea and have expressed nothing but support); it's the fact that society expects me to reveal my tendencies to everyone. Just like any other person, I am entitled to my right to privacy. If I choose to out myself to my family, that's it, it's my choice. But I shouldn't be expected and/or forced to reveal my sexual orientation. I don't see heterosexuals going around telling everyone they're straight and they like the opposite sex. Thus, I shouldn't be expected to do the same.

3. The assumption that I was gay

Finally, the overall assumption that I was gay and her certainty in this, in retrospect, bothered me the most. I had just met this girl, and I was not planning on telling her any of my personal business any time soon. So why had she just come to the conclusion that I was gay? Was it the fact that I spoke with my hands? Or was it my high pitched voice that gave it away? Was it that I had a habit of twerking on people? Who knows really, but her certainty showed that people assume when they shouldn't. She had judged me on a set of arbitrary and grossly misleading guidelines of "what a gay guy does" that society itself designed to out a few of its members. The fact of the matter is, any one could exhibit any of those symptoms and even further, they are in no way a defining characteristic of homosexuality. She had, inadvertently, inspected me under a microscope that was both antiquated and ignorant.


The girl had meant no harm, and I harbored no ill-will towards her. As open-minded and gay-friendly she claimed to be, her question revealed that those prejudices and misconceptions about homosexuality are deeply-ingrained in the patchwork of our minds, as deep as the words we speak. There's no changing it, obviously, because society tends to propagate these deeply-held beliefs and assumptions, much like racism; however, we can choose to ignore them. As I learned, we can't help what we think sometimes.