I am me. I pretend not to be, but I always have been. I always will be. I share my secrets because sometimes they're too painful to keep to myself...Sometimes.

I have some great friends. I really do. I'm lucky to have them.

My family, well, you can't chose your family. I didn't get such a bad deal though.

A relationship? Yes, I'm in one.

Without these people, I would be dead.

Let me explain...

I'm sat staring at my laptop screen wondering how I can put the last few years of my life into words. I'm seventeen years old. Old before my time. I was...sad? Upset? These are silly words. Coming to terms with who you are is difficult for any teenager. Sometimes it's just a little bit more complicated.



I'm an illegitimate bastard.

My biological father does not want to acknowledge me. This is something I have grown up knowing. As a child I never needed to understand, but as I started to get older I started to think. Why? Am I not good enough? I met him once, it was disappointing. He tried to buy my affection. £100 doesn't say "I love you". 'Daddy' was a big problem for me, I was upset a lot of the time. He has his family, who are blissfully unaware of my existence and I have mine, the people who helped me see him for who he truly is. Without my mother, I would feel worthless.

My sexuality has been and still remains a conflicting issue in my life. When I finally discover who I am I will let the world know. I've never been ashamed to admit that I am confused. Yes I have a boyfriend and I am perfectly happy with him but at the end of the day, you can't control who you are, whoever I may be. I have poured all my feelings and thoughts out to my partner and he's held me. He may have judged me, but it was silently. I could not have climbed out of my personal dark hole without him. He makes me feel like a human being.

My mental health has been a roller coaster ride. I've had professional help, I joined online groups, I've had numerous visits to school based councillors. A voice took over my head. A voice that was familiar but completely new at the same time. I was so scared. Mental health is a serious issue. It's hard to talk to people that you're close to about it because you don't know how they'll react. The first conversation is the most important, I cried. Before I got help I did things I was not proud of, to this day I am still ashamed. Having people who want to help you can change your outlook. No matter how scared you are, or how alone you feel...there is a way. If my friends had never noticed a change in me and made me talk, or of they had just let me go then I believe I would be a shell of the person I have become.

Self harm became a part of my life when I was 15. I needed something to make me feel good. I had a hard time adjusting. New people were becoming a part of my life and some of them were bad. People who led me astray. I was drinking in the streets and coming home drunk and past my curfew, I was a b****, I shut everybody out. I didn't speak to my good friends because we had nothing to talk about. I didn't want to swap revision tips and have movie nights. I just wanted the weekend to come around. I kept my self harming a secret for a long time until I was found out. I have scars that are thankfully barely visible. The past is real. Every now and then, I still get the urge. Even now that I'm "cured" and my life is back on track. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I do.

Nobody can know who I am. Not even now, even though I'm better. That's all behind me. I've left out a lot of things. Things like my parents divorce, moving to a new house, my mums new family, being bullied through school.

Actually, I'll pick up on that last one. I was bullied. I didn't think I was until things reached a certain point.

I was bullied.

I guess the glasses and braces and love for performing arts made me an easy target. I was smart, I tried hard, that made things worse. I've been called names I wouldn't dream of repeating. I got all the usual nicknames too. Four Eyes, Ugly, Geek, Freak, Slag. I've had rumours spread about me that got around like wildfire. Rumours, name calling...small things. It starts small. Cyber bullying, threats, being shoved in the corridor. I even had a fight or two. There were days where I didn't want to go to school. I went anyway. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

I thought long and hard about killing myself. I'd had enough. The bullies, the voices in my head and knowing I wasn't good enough. I wrote letters, to everyone I thought deserved a personal explanation of why it wasn't their fault. I burned the letters. I burned a small circle onto my arm to remind myself that there was a time where I felt so bad about myself I was willing to hurt others. I tell people it was an accident with a glue gun. They don't have to know...



I am me. I pretend not to be, but I always have been. I always will be. I share my secrets because sometimes they're too painful to keep to myself...Sometimes.