“You’re sure it’s deep enough right?” My voice shakes as I think of ways to try and buy some valuable extra time.
“Hmm, let me check” and he vanished for a moment. “Yup” Baylor replied, laughing somewhat sarcastically after returning only a second later. Both of us already knew it was plenty deep enough.

My shoulders shake, and there is a quiet chatter from my teeth as I shiver slightly, caused by the wind which now began to pick up and blow across my wet skin. A gust sets me off balance and I quickly sit down in place in fear of unintentionally falling to my death. In my head I begin talking with myself, deciding whether or not this is an intelligent decision to make. What if I don’t push off far enough? What happens if somehow I become unconscious on impact and drown? Of course, only the worst possible scenarios come to mind.

It had been the first time in a matter of months since I had seen my brother Baylor, let alone spend time with him just the two of us, after he’d gotten engaged and committed to living in Duluth. Although he had ten years on me, a chip off the old block would be an understatement. We both stood tall and slender, both heads shaved in unison to short brown fuzz making us hard to tell apart even to our own mom.

I stood dripping, perched at the edge of a forty-five foot cliff on a rock island, just offshore a Minnesota beach. It was a perfect August day and the water swirled gently in the small breeze that kissed the face of the rocky cliffs where we had swam. My bare feet ached from the climb up the jagged rocky sides of the island. The bright afternoon sun shone down through the deep, cold Lake Superior water creating a constant shimmer that became almost tough to look at. An uncomfortable feeling trickled through my body as both fear and excitement were fighting to persuade my emotions. I peer over the sharp edge, and I can see him down below me, bobbing in the cool, dark water. The waves he made drifted away from his body, creating the only slight imperfection in a near flawless glass sheet. From just moments earlier, I recall hearing his shrieks the entire time as he fell; twisting in the air bracing for impact, until he broke the surface of the water and his shouts had been replaced by a splash and bubbles.

“Wow is that great” Baylor yells back up to me, clearly still feeling the adrenaline surge he experienced just moments ago. He kicks off to the side, giving me room, and remains floating with his eyes glued on me.

“Whenever you’re ready!” he calls from below.

“Yep, be right down!” I say rather non enthusiastically. Not telling Baylor that at the time it was a complete lie.

How did he make it seem so easy? Baylor had always been one to do things first and set the standard high. Not because he was ultra-competitive but it was his demeanor. Enjoy what you’re doing now and suffer what consequences may come later. Me on the other hand, not so much.

“Whatever, it’s no big deal… only a few feet. Not like it’s that high…” I muttered to myself under my breath. Though only a few feet in reality was turning out to be around fifty feet from the position where my eyes sat. Regardless, the rather fake yet joyful pep talk seemed to be working. I began feeling confident as my toes gripped the edge of the rock. With widened eyes I flexed my knees, and in one motion I straightened them again while swinging my arms up into the sky, thrusting myself off the rock. I went hurdling down to the water. At this point I open my eyes and realize I am still cemented to the cliff like a statue looking out over the water. Doubt began to set in as I looked behind me at the walk of shame that I dare not face. Chickening out in front of my big brother was not an option, and I knew that. So I had only been trying to put off the inevitable.

My brother had begun doing his own thing as almost anything else sparked his interest more than waiting for me to make up my mind. I couldn't blame him I guess. I imagine he’s somewhat cold and pruney with a nasty kink in his neck by now. I stood again and inched closer to the edge, my body becoming increasingly tense with every movement. The sun felt warm on my skin, which by this point had become nearly dry, making the plunge back into the water that much tougher yet.

I begin to think. First, of the summer, which was sadly coming to an end. This end of summer also meant being thrown back into the daily routine of high school and the grind of football practices. Secondly, moments like this don’t happen often for me. Especially not with the people I care most about. And the experience and story told from these instances, although often exaggerated, are worth any trouble that was dealt with during the process. It’s these same opportunities that are given to us like gifts with the choice to accept or decline the prize inside. Not to mention the envy toward my “golden boy” older brother. With a deep breath, I readied myself once again before I could change my mind yet another time.

With my thoughts somewhat organized, and a final view of the endless sparkling horizon, the feeling of rough stone on the soles of my feet was replaced with cool air as I was now completely under the mercy of gravity itself. Without a doubt, the longest 4 seconds of my life took place suspended above the water. The feeling of absolutely no control is something I haven’t replicated and don’t plan on for some time.

My feet slapped the face of the water and all went quiet as I came to a pause under the surface. My body relaxed as the cool water enveloped me. The smile that spread across my face and the feeling of relief were short lived, because in all the excitement I may have forgotten to breathe on the way down. The water glides past me until I break through to daylight.

I glance upon the cliff; the smooth pale rock appearing far less intimidating then I had viewed it before. I felt almost embarrassed that I had paused for so long. And even more embarrassed yet when I realized this cliff was merely one of many cliffs that I find myself sitting on top, hesitating before I can jump. The worst part is that I rarely come across a cliff in life that results in a poor outcome. My worries, fears, and doubts are so embellished by my own mind that I can never see the fun and exciting things in store. In the past 16 years of my life I have never taught myself to ignore my conscience and instead trust my gut instinct. This day finally marked one too many times that I second guess and hesitate about the situation at hand. Although it may be one of many, I made this literal cliff the last to cast a dull shadow of worries and fear over the events in my life.