For three hours my five-year old self stared at my brother Colin who had head phones on that were too big for his face. He was listening to foreign music while he fidgeted with a model car in his hands. All I ever knew growing up was embodied in the very person sitting before me. Autism has plagued Colin since he was a mere child, but in many ways, it affected the whole family. I had some awareness of my brother’s condition in my early years of elementary school. There was a moment when I realized that none of the other kids at the playground had to attend therapy with their brothers. My family and I rarely left the house because Colin was uncomfortable leaving. Other children never knew the pressing familiarity of being an introverted homebody, because doing ‘normal’ outdoor activities was exactly that for them: normal. At a young age, I knew I would have to grow up much more quickly than others, because I was always expected to be Colin’s role model. In our hectic, dysfunctional house, countless sacrifices were made to accommodate Colin’s needs, and honestly there were times I resented him for that. Even at a young age though, having a brother with autism has helped me empathize with the needs of others, stretched my patience to uncomfortable levels, and helped me understand the great trials that come with having a family member with disabilities.

Middle school was a different battlefield because Colin learned the art of socialization and became a certified “Ladies Man”. Resentment bared its ugly head in me when each and every day Colin started uncomfortable, impromptu conversations with my friends. Friendships were difficult to come by for me because it meant they would have to meet Colin. The fear of them rejecting him, or me because of him scared me more than I could ever admit. People seemed to be more perceptive at that age and started noticing that he was different. “Is your brother in the ‘special’ classes?” they would ask me over and over as I scrambled to come up with an answer to avoid embarrassment. As a defense mechanism, I became extremely protective of Colin. When he was bullied, we all were. “Mess with Colin- mess with all of us” went unsaid in my household. I worried about him every day at school after we went our separate ways and my anxiety levels skyrocketed.


High school was a time I thought would never come. I had finally accepted Colin’s autism. When he was a child, his behavioral doctor told my parents that he would never amount to anything more than a janitor. That doctor was wrong. Currently, he is attending computer classes at a local college and I am proud to say he is the best student in his class. We refer to him as “the Mac genius” in my household. My brother has proven to me over and over again that in life, no matter how impossible the obstacles may seem, anything is possible. He has taught me the value of perseverance and the importance of respect, and he is the very reason why I appreciate our lives together so much. Colin has influenced me more than anyone ever could or will. Whether it’s having the patience to do last minute projects or teaching him to tie his shoes, there is never a dull moment. Yet, even though Colin depends on me, in a way, I will always rely on him. He molded me into who I am today without even knowing that he was transforming my life. Now, I finally understand the concept that people are dealt the cards they are given and have to make the most of them. Even though living with him was not easy and at times was unpleasant, I am so grateful and inspired by the fact that Colin is my family. I love you, Colin.

Always,
Your Little Sis <3