It was Saturday morning. I went downstairs to go make breakfast, happy that the week was finally over. It was a beautiful winter day in the middle of my sophomore year. Before I went to the fridge to grab some eggs, I heard a vibration coming from my phone. I walked over to the phone, pressed the button that made the cracked, broken screen turn on and saw that I had six missed calls and five new text messages. I first checked my texts thinking that I had just received some chain mail, or some friends were looking to hang out today, but instead every text message simply said, “Call me!”.

I called my friend Michelle back and she answered after only the first ring. As I heard what she said my heart sank to the ground. I couldn’t process it all. I never would have imagined something like this would happen, especially not to him, especially not Tylor. He seemed the happiest of us all, always staying calm when we were stressed out and offering a good joke to tell with his bright white luminescent smile. No one could see his smile and refrain from smiling back. It was intoxicating, but nobody would ever see it again. He was found in his room hanging from the ceiling, a noose he made with his own two hands holding him up. Tylor had hung himself. The one person who constantly had the exuberant smile and optimistic attitude had committed suicide.

I don’t think I answered Michelle’s crying voice for a few minutes, maybe even longer. I wanted to cry, too. I wanted to fall to the floor and not move for days more than anything, but instead I suppressed my emotion. I told Michelle that I “Couldn’t believe it”, and hung up. After every crying call from Dietrick, Susanna, Nicole, Amol, Eric, and Alli, I wouldn’t let myself cry. I bit my cheek, snapped a rubber band on my wrist, and went to activities, as usual, not telling my family what had happened. All through the day I was beating myself down in my mind, telling myself that I couldn’t lose control, I couldn’t cry.

I never did cry for him like everyone else, and to this day it haunts me. I’m emotionless, I tell myself. Cold, heartless, psychotic, I should have cried. What type of person hears that news and doesn’t cry?


I don’t think I answered Michelle’s crying voice for a few minutes, maybe even longer. I started crying. I was sobbing harder than I had ever sobbed before. Michelle was right there bawling with me, I could hear her on the other line. I comforted her through my tears; I stayed strong but let my emotion come through the net of despair in front of me. And through every weeping call from Dietrick, Susanna, Nicole, Amol, Eric, and Alli, I cried. I stayed home that day on the phone dealing with my sadness, reminiscing through old pictures and our memories. I let myself shatter completely. It was one of the worst days of my life, but it was contained in that day and the days that followed, like the net that held my despair. I sobbed, and mourned completely. I let my emotions come out freely for that few days. But slowly those emotions faded and life went on, with myself knowing that Tylor is in a better place, and can finally himself believe that exuberant white smile that made all of our days.