Bleep.

My eyes darted to the instant messenger on facebook and instantly recognized the name of the person messaging me, Adam. My eyebrows drew together in puzzlement. I knew Adam was the star quarter back at my highschool the year before, but he graduated and was now playing college ball at a university nearby. I had no idea why he would be messaging me, but I figured I should at least message him back.
‘hey.’

‘Hey, how’s it going?’ I quickly replied.

‘You know, pretty good, how are you doing tonight? I love your new pic.’ My heart fluttered as I read those words, longing to be accepted.

‘Thanks! I’m good, just babysitting the kids. My parents are on tour right now.’ I tried to play off my emotions and keep the conversation casual.

‘Oh that’s cool!’

‘Yeah, speaking of them, it’s 7:15 and I still haven’t fed them supper. I better jet. Later!’

‘Later.’


I shut my laptop and frowned. ‘Why the heck did I just do that? That might have been my one shot! Oh well. If he wants to talk to me, he’ll talk to me again.’
I promptly made my little sister and brothers some pb&j sandwiches, then sent them to bed.
Two hours later I was sitting on the couch, watching a movie when the doorbell rang.


I looked through the window and recognized Adam. “What the heck?” My mind was moving a million miles a minute as I opened the door. “Uhm hey Adam.”


“Hey, what’s up?”


“Not much. Sorry if this seems rude but uhm, what are you doing at my house?” I noticed myself slowly crossing my arms as I leaned against the doorway, unsure of whether or not I was going to invite him in, yet excited that he was at my house.


“Okay so funny story. I’m staying with my friend Mason for the weekend and he lives three houses down from you. He just kicked me out of the house while his girlfriend’s there. He said to stay out for a couple hours and then come back. Is it okay if I chill here for a bit? Just watch tv with you or something?”


I bit my lip, seriously thinking about his question. I knew my parents would kill me if they found out. But what was the harm in him staying a bit, right? It’s not like he was interested in me. I was sixteen, and he was nineteen, almost twenty. So I figured there couldn’t be too much harm in letting him in. Besides, it wasn’t like I had a lot of friends, who else was I going to hang out with?
“Sure. But only for a little while, okay?”

He grinned at me, “Of course.”


I led him to the family room of our house, and started up Netflix. He sat down on one couch and I plopped down on the couch across the room, just to be safe. He looked at me weird, but I wasn’t too concerned. He sprawled himself out on the couch and we proceeded to watch movies for the next three hours. We barely spoke. He tried to make small talk but I didn’t know what to say, so I feigned interest in the movies. I look at my phone and realized that it was almost 11pm.

“Sorry for being all lame. But you need to go home. I have a bunch of stuff going on tomorrow. “

“Oh no problem, but can I at least get a hug before I go?” He was sitting up on the couch now and stretching his arms out.


I playfully sighed and went to give him a hug. He gave me a hug then pulled me onto his knee, hugging me tighter. I started to feel extremely uncomfortable and pushed myself off of him. I looked up and his eyes sparked like a thousand flames, roaring with desire. My heart sank as I realized how vulnerable of a situation I was in. I had no one to call to, no one to come save me if he decided to get aggressive.

I moved to the other end of the couch but he grabbed my arm and forced me to lie down. I dug my fingers into his as hard as I could and scraped the skin off of two of them, and yet he acted like he never felt a thing. He raised my shirt and started groping at my skin, going higher and higher with his hands until he reached my bra. I kicked his legs and tried to force him off of me, but it was to no avail. One of his strong arms pinned my arms down as I continued to struggle against him.

‘STOP!’ I yelled. My voice sounded panic stricken, even to my own ears.

I looked around frantically, trying to find something I could defend myself with. I saw a candle on the coffee table next to the couch and thought that maybe if I hit him over the head with it, he would be stunned enough that I could grab my phone and run to my parents’ room and lock the door. I started to squirm and move my body in an angle that would allow me to grab the candle if he ever loosened his grip on my arms. He saw the direction I was going with my body and immediately he tensed and grabbed arms even tighter. I cried out in pain as he threw me against the other end of the couch.


He looked down at me again with those fiery eyes, still yearning with want, but another trait was there as well. I can only describe it as rage. I kicked him as hard as I could in his legs over and over again and struggled to hit him. It did nothing. He glowered down at me, his hands up my shirt in places they should never have been. I gasped, in pain and utter despair. The one thing I valued most about myself, my purity, was about to be stripped away, I knew this in the very pit of my heart.

By this point he had completely ripped my shirt off. I started crying, slowly at first then faster and faster. Soon, sobs were wracking my body.
‘Shut up!’ He yelled it, roaring in my ear.
His command only made me cry harder. He smacked me right across the face. His ‘calming down’ method wasn’t helping at all. I couldn’t stop crying.

‘I said, shut up!’ His fist collided with my side and it felt as if one of my ribs was cracked. I cried out in pain and he clamped his large hand over my mouth.

‘Just get through this. Just get through this. Just get through this. Just get through this.’ That was the message playing over and over in my mind. My body went limp as I started envisioning being somewhere else, somewhere else completely. I could feel him pulling down my pants and silently started crying again. Five minutes later it was done.

I was still crying as I heard his phone ring. He answered it, ‘Hello? ..oh, no I’m not doing anything! .. Your house? Your parents just left? Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute babe.’

He pulled up his pants and walked out of my house.

He had stripped my purity away from me, taken my innocence.

It’s now a year later. I could lie and pretend like I’m completely fine now. But like I said, that’s a lie. I have days where I don’t think about it at all, and days like this, where I’m compelled to do something about it.

I will never be ‘okay’ with what he did to me. I don’t even know if I will ever be one hundred percent fine. But I do know this, I’m no longer held by my past. Every day is another step closer. Closer to closure.