Dear Diary,

My mom isn't letting Jeremy come over this week and I an going to have to start working soon. I can't even tell him that he can or can't come over because she didn't get me a phone card. Surprise, surprise. I should have known she would do this to me. Nothing is good enough for her. Nothing has ever been good enough for her, so why did I even try to let myself think she would let Jeremy come over or get me a phone card. I really do hate her. She must really hate me too. I can't wait until I can move out. Two months and I'm gone, and never coming back. I have done absolutely everything she asked me to and she said that I have still done nothing. I've done several loads of laundry, cleaned my room, I watched Max and cleaned up after him when he pissed and s*** on the floor, I swept the porch like she asked, I cleaned up after myself all day (which I always do) and I just don't know what else she wants. I'm not picking up after Morgan. That's not my job. I really, really hate my mom. She just can't be happy for me. She can't ever complement me on anything I do. Why can't she say thanks every once and a while? Does she really hate me that much that she won't even say thank you after I do every stupid chore that she wants. I just don't know what she wants from me. I want to call my grandmother and have her come pick me up, but we do not have a house phone and my mom won't get me a phone card. My mom is so f***ing controlling. What does she think she's protecting me from anyways. I've broken all the rules: I've had sex, I've drank a few beers, I've tried a cigarette. It's not really a big deal. We all try that stuff in high school. She doesn't know I've done any of it, but she'll find out eventually. I don't really care if she finds out, but she better not ever slap me again. That's taking it way too far. If she ever slaps me again (six times to my face before school) I will hit her back. I will not let her think she can force me around like that. After Martin, I promised myself that I wouldn't let anyone treat me like that. It won't happen again. I really hate living here. I'm out in the middle of nowhere. It's at least 45 minutes from anyone I care about. I can't drive and my friends don't have the gas money to drive out here to get me. I don't have a phone because she wont but me a phone card, and she won't let us use her computer so I have no way to the outside world. I have no job so I can't but my own phone card or have the money to get a wireless receiver for this laptop. I HATE IT HERE!!! I really miss Jeremy. I hate not being able to talk to him, but she won't let me use her phone and I can not use my own. I'm actually crying at the moment. She's stressing me out. I just can't deal with this s*** anymore. I use to put up with it and try to be her perfect little daughter, but it wasn't worth it. I understand why Shelby moved out because now my mom is treating me the same way she treated her. Only two months and I can legally move out, which I plan on doing. I can not stay here. I just can't. I'm sorry Morgan, but you can deal with her s*** more than I can. Plus, I'm older and can move out. My grandma said I always have a place to stay with her if I need it, and I do need it. It's not just a want. I cry myself to sleep every night because my mom upsets me, that's a need, not a want. I do know the difference. Unlike Shelby, I see through my bio dad's facade. He doesn't want a relationship with me and to me he is nothing. I will not go crying to him, I'll go to my real who has cared for me my entire life. I will move in with my uncle if I decided to go to college down there. Screw living at home and going to ISU. I can't deal with that. I would go crazy before 1st semester was up.

06/28/11 01:03:01 PM

My mom just keeps adding to my anger. I'm gonna get to m breaking point, and no one wants to be around me when I'm like that. She made me take her dog out, and when I came down the stairs they both quit talking until I left the kitchen, and then the same after I came back in until I came up to my room. It's hurtful that they can't talk in front of me. It's probably about me and how I do nothing because I'm such a lazy ass. I think Morgan has complained to my mom enough and that's why she isn't letting Jeremy come over. If that's what happened I'm seriously hurt. Why can't my mom just let me be happy. Is it really that bad. I want out of here so bad. I'm crying again. I really miss Jeremy and I don't feel well all on top of my mom situation. I'm just done. I can't live happily like this anymore. Sometimes my mom is really cool, but 95% of the time she is a total b****. I can not be happy while I'm here. I can't talk to anyone, I can't see my friends, I can't even walk anywhere because I live out in the country and there is no where to go unless I want to walk through a plowed corn field. Morgan just called my name, but I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear her. I really don't think I can keep myself together right now. My hormones are all crazy and I'm running out of pain medicine, but I can't get more because I don't have health insurance. It sucks. I went downstairs so I can eat something and take another pill and my mom is talking all sweetly. Does she really think that's going to make a difference. She doesn't have to fake it. Well, maybe she does. I just know the difference. She is apparently going to talk to some guy about a job, but then why is Morgan going. I'm really starting to hate her. She is making my life that much harder. They'll miss me when I''m gone, at least, Morgan will. She'll have to do the dishes all the time and be the only one to take the dog out and she'll always have to babysit Lauren and keep her happy. Lauren will be the only person I will miss. She's my baby. I love her so much, more than any other family member. She may only be a little kid, but I would do anything for her. I watched “My sister's Keeper” and I decided that if Lauren ever got cancer, that I would shave my head bald so they could make her a wig out of my hair. She would really love that. I'm hoping that none of my family gets cancer though. I would especially not want Lauren to get it. Anyways, I miss her now because Lauren is with my grandparents, where I am moving. I really need to get my license to drive, but my mom won't get my birth certificate and I have to have that to obtain it. Well I have to get my permit all over again because my old one expired because she wouldn't take me to get my license the first time when I was 16. Now I'm almost 18. At least I can get it myself once I'm 18 and move out. That will be the best day ever. I really hate it here.

06/28/11 05:18:33 PM

I'm in a little better mood, but not much. Tomorrow is really gonna suck. I hate my mom for not letting Jeremy come over. She nothing to me anymore. She is going to be here, it's not like she is going to be gone. So tomorrow not only do I get to be mad, but she is gonna' be here to maker it that much worse. If she would have given me an actually good reason for not letting come over I wouldn't be mad, but she said I didn't do anything all week and that's a bunch of s***. I've done a crap-load of stuff this week. She just doesn't want me to be able to do stuff when I'm here. I can't wait to go back to my grandmother's. I'm not coming back, well, besides getting my stuff. I already have most of my stuff packed without my mom knowing. She would probably get even more mad if she found out, but oh well. she will just have to be mad. I'm not too worried about it. I can't get Jeremy off my mind, but I didn't try that hard. He always seems to be on my mind. I really miss him. I better see him next week or I'm walking out. She isn't going to keep me here locked away. It's not going to happen. I'm not going to get my hopes up this time because I really thought she would let him come over, but no... She has ruined my entire week. I wish I was back my uncle, John's, house. I would put up with his 4 year old daughter any day before I would take all this torture from my mom. She is killing my heart. It's breaking into a million pieces because not only can I not text Jeremy, but we won't be able to see each other. I'm really glad that I haven't been called in to work yet. If that would have happened I would have to work everyday for about 8 hours a day, manual labor, for roughly a month. It usually starts in the beginning of July, but with all the rain,farmers had a hard time getting the corn in the ground on time. Some even had to replant. Maybe I'll be able to stay awake and watch the fireworks. Too bad I can't watch them with Jeremy. That would be so much better. I want to go to Sullivan Beach and swim before the fireworks, but that is were my mom's ex and kids go, but hopefully my friends go to Sullivan. Fairbanks park sucks and that's where we have went for the passed couple of years. It's way too crowded with nothing to do. Now that it's getting dark outside it's kinda' hard to see the keyboard because I don't have a light in my room now. That's just another nuisance of living upstairs along with the bugs, broken window, no closet, and leaking roof. Jorge said he would fix them, but he never will. He always makes promises he can't and won't keep. Like smoking, for instance. He said he would quit, but that never happened. My Lauren has asthma and I worry about her lungs when she is around him, but he is getting better about smoking outside. I don't really like Jorge. He's annoying, but I can't help my mom choose men. She sucks at it though. He apparently asked her to marry him, but she hasn't told me and I haven't been around her to see the ring. She better not ask me to be part of her wedding because I'll say no. I'm not doing that again. With my mom's last wedding she made all of us wear these dumb dresses and stand up there while they got married. It was awful. I'm listening to my favorite rock station on the radio, 89.7 WISU. They play a lot of bands I like. I love Evanescence, Fly Leaf, Paramore, Bullets For My Valentine, Fall Out Boy, Greenday, Lincoln Park, and stuff like that. I like just about any kind of music is the person's voice is clear and strong, the lyrics speak to me, and there is a good beat. My mom hates my music, and she hates that I always have my radio turned up really loud, but that's the way I love it. I like to surround myself in music and get lost in the songs. I really miss Jeremy. We both love music, and he plays guitar. We like a lot of the same music, and he wants to take me to a concert this year. I might have mentioned that earlier, but I'm really excited. We will probably be able to sleep together. When I say that I mean sleep, not sex. I sleep better next to someone. Especially if it would be him I'm sleeping by. I really wish he was here right now. We could kiss for hours and I would be the happiest girl alive. As long as my mom wouldn't catch us. If she did and we were in my bed, or just to find him in my room, she would be so angry. Probably angrier than I have ever see her, but in a way I think I would enjoy the look on her face. I wish I could make her angry, but I need her to let me and Jeremy be together. I should have told Jeremy just to come down and pick me up and we could go do something. I'd leave a note saying that I was out and I'd be just... happy. Happier than I will ever be here. I wish I was still at y grandmother's or at least have had my mom take me over there when she sad she would. She told e she would take me, but left without saying anything ad decided that I was going to stay here and be her slave. Oh how I do feel like Cinderella, or Juliet. I love Romeo and Juliet. It's actually a really great love story, even with all the death. I think Jeremy and I share the same feelings as Romeo and Juliet. We want to be together, we have fallen so hard for each other over a couple of days, and now we are being forced apart because my mother is evil. “Oh Romeo, Romeo. Where art thou, Romeo?” Where are you Jeremy? He's probably at home eating dinner or something. He might be helping his dad with his motorcycle, or working on his car. That thing is extremely loud, probably one of the loudest I've heard that isn't a racing car. For being upstairs my room is unusually cold. It might just be me though. I'm almost always cold. I have very little body fat, it's all in my ass and I don't really have to worry about keeping my butt warm. I have to do the dishes tonight, but I loaded it earlier so there shouldn't be too much work. I better not get blamed for them not being done for a while or I'm gonna' start getting really angry with Morgan. She doesn't always do her job and I get in trouble for it. How does the work? It's not fair. I'll tell you that. Nothing in this house will ever be fair. I'm still cramping but I cant take any more medicine until midnight. It sucks to have to through this every month. I'm just glad my periods have regulated to three weeks apart. I use to always or never have a period for months at a time. It was absolutely awful. I have found that I have ovarian cysts and that's what causes most of the pain, but I have really bad cramps too, which defiantly does not help. When I get like this I just take things easy and relax for the day. There isn't much I can do. It makes it hard to work, but I'll push through it, it is not unbeatable. Anything can be won with the right circumstances. I'm getting yelled at about my radio being too loud again... I'll only turn it down one thing at a time though. It's just the radio. You can hear everything from downstairs. It always sounds louder than what it really is. My mom thinks she shouldn't be able to hear it, but the kitchen is right below my bed and dresser so she can hear it when she walks through the kitchen. She can get over herself because she always has her TV up loud to where we can hear it too. My cramps are getting worse. It actually brought tears to my eyes. I'm emotional, but I can handle pain. I dint cry when I thought I broke my leg and I didn't cry when I snapped my wrist in half. Luckily that was a clean break. It really didn't until the next morning when I woke up and had it bent under me. It didn't get put in a cast until later that week because Terre Haute was flooded and we couldn't get to my hand doctor. He is the specialist who also removed a cyst off my wrist that was about the size of an egg. It was kinda' gross. I know I've said it several times, but I really frickin' miss Jeremy. It's setting in that I won't be seeing him this week and I can get called into work any day now. It all depends on the farmers and their corn fields. I like to work, and I like my paycheck, but there is this one guy who really creeps me out. At least I have a boyfriend if he doesn't leave me alone. I can always use that card, or protection. Whichever I need will be provided. Jeremy always takes care of those things. He's so sweet. I can't wait until we go to Holiday World together. Me and my two best friends are going, but I really rather just go with him. Maybe I can bring him if my family goes this year. I don't know if my mom would let me, but if I'm 18, I'll whatever I want and she can't stop me. The worst she can do is say I can't do something, or that I'm grounded, but then I'll tell her to shove it where it belongs. At least I would if I wasn't living with her, or was going home with someone else. I might say something if it's really close to me being 18. Then I'll just move out and she won't stop me. I'm so ready to get away from her. She moved out when she was 17 because she said my grandmother was too controlling, but it's ironic that I'm moving out because my mother is too controlling. Revenge hurts, but the victory feels so good. Aaawww... the sweet sounds of heavy metal music is sweet my ears. I really love this station. They play such good music. I can see why my mother doesn't like it though. She doesn't like the creaming, but to me it's just another way of expression. I'm such more of an open person than my mother is. She doesn't like anything but the hip hop that comes on and my little sister listens to. My mom made meatloaf and usually love it, but it tastes a lot different when your angry. You do not taste anything, but eat hurriedly because you don't care. I need to go downstairs while my cramps have subsided for the moment and get the dishes done so I can lay back down and get warm underneath the covers. I have a red comforter with silk flower designs. It is a deep red with dark green and light pink so my other blankets and pillows are red and a deep green to match. It looks really good to me. I wish I could pain the walls though. The dirty white grosses me out and makes me want to shut my eyes. I hate it about as much as I hate my mother, believe it or not. I finished the dishes in less than two minutes. All it was, was a couple of plates. I hope there are a bunch of dishes tomorrow. I'll make a lot for Morgan to do so I can get back to her for telling my mom I have not been doing anything. She let that tidbit of information out earlier. She's lucky I don't feel well. I wish my mom would buy diet coke, but she never does. I can settle for coke though. It's better than drinking Mountain Dew all the time. I like diet Mountain Dew better. It taste sweeter, which to me, is really weird. Oh well. Guess what. I'm thinking of Jeremy again and about our date. That was so wonderful and perfect. It was The most perfect date ever! We had a lot of fun walking the trails and we got t kiss and not have a care in the world. It was kinda' like everyone else just disappeared. Maybe we can do something like that again. We could go out to Fairbanks and go hiking. We both love the outdoors and that beats the movies anytime. I love spending time with him. It's so different than anyone. I love how he makes me feel and the way he looks at me. I'm empathic so can feel his affection and it's amazingly strong. I really hope he loves me, because I love him. I shouldn't fall for him so easily, but I can not help myself. He's really strong, physically. He pokes fun at me because my bow is only set in the 40's pound-wise. I can't help that I'm a tooth pick. I know he is kidding though. He thinks it's cool that I shoot with a bow and a gun, but my aim with a gun sucks. I have yet to shoot and get my deer. I've shot one, but it was a gut shot and we lost the trail. I've gotten a turkey and lots of squirrels though. I'm much better at fishing. I can out-fish anyone but my own grandpa and he is the one who taught me. I have beat him only twice before, but now that I'm getting a few pole and open faced reel for my birthday I may just beat him more often, but he is really good. I love to jig fish. I'm still working on his trick for snags though. I just haven't mastered the technique. Maybe someday... I think he gets kinda mad when beat him, but proud because he has taught me so well. He's always proud of me, no matter what it is for. I love him dearly. Same goes for my grandmother. She knows more about my love life than my mother does. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I like to be able to come to someone when something is bothering me or when I have gossip. It's nice to know she isn't going to tell everyone. She won't tell a soul without asking me first. I really want some chocolate. It's my favorite thing to eat in the world, and Jeremy had brought me some last time he came over. It's got me wanting some. I wonder if he's thinking about me... I hope so. I think about him all the time. He's just so amazing. The best boyfriend I have and will ever have. Hopefully Jeremy and I last a lifetime. That's the goal of every relationship right? I think it is. He said he wants to be with me forever, but I am not close enough to him yet to tell if he is just saying what I want to hear, or if that is his true feelings. I really would love to spend the rest of my life with him. I know it won't be easy to keep this relationship alive, but I really want it to work. I have never been this so far in love. Not ever. I wish Jeremy was here playing with my hair and kissing me gently on the lips. It makes me smile to think about it. His lips are surprisingly gentle, but strong. Does that even make sense? I love it when he gets old school and tilts my chin up and slowly kisses me. It's cute and romantic at the same time. I'm a sucker for romanticism. I can't it. It's just who I am on the inside. He doesn't seem to mind though. He is such a gentleman. If I were a lady in old England, I would be thoroughly pleased. He isn't all about ripping our clothes off when we are alone and I love that. He rather hold my hand and whisper in my ear. It's such a relief compared to my ex. All he wanted to do when we were alone was the dirty and I tried to make all these excuses and most of the time it worked. I love I do not have to be forced into anything. He doesn't mind waiting for me because he doesn't want to go too fast and screw things up. He's so sweet! He says that we have forever so we'll have plenty of time for that later. Isn't that kinda romantic. Maybe it's just me. I want him so bad right now. I want to hold his hand and lean against his chest to hear his heart beating. I want to be close to him and tell him how gorgeous and sweet he is, how much I love his eyes and how he looks at me, and to tell him I love him. I guess I'm going to go for tonight unless something exceptional happens... good or bad.

06/28/11 11:07:20 PM