Dear Impromptu Computer Diary, today I learned that my life is, in reality, a sitcom.

A very funny one.

I'm the star.

Comedy derives from pain.

It all started around Wednesday of last week. I mentioned that my birthday was coming up. Someone else asked exactly when my birthday was (I think it was Nathan), so I told them that it was February the 12, aka this Saturday. They told me that that was the same as Audrey’s birthday. I had not previously heard of Audrey, so I did not know who she was. On Friday, February the 11, there was a nice girl who I did not know the name of. I asked her who she was, and, by chance, she turned out to be Audrey. I thought this was interesting, so I wished her a happy birthday, and informed her that her birthday was the same as mine. Some people in the immediate vicinity took this as a sign of a crush, but I brushed it off, explaining that I would not lie about my birthday. However, that night I had a dream about Audrey.

My birthday was fantastic. I saw the seventh Harry Potter movie, which I had been waiting to see for months, and another film playing at the same theatre, which a friend of mine had been nagging me to see for even longer. I only saw it because by chance it was playing at the same theatre in a way that fulfilled my schedule, but it turned out to be very entertaining regardless. All during my birthday, I was thinking about how it was Audrey’s birthday too, and within my head I wished her well. And within my head, she also wished me well that night in another dream. Alas, only within my head.

Sunday was a boring day, and I cannot blame that on anyone except myself. I spent most of Sunday fanning out over Harry Potter, not doing my homework, and thinking about Audrey. By the end of the day, I had become concerned because my homework was still not complete, but I left it to lose points because I wanted to get to sleep earlier. That night, once again, I had a dream involving Audrey. Arrangements were made for me to sleep over at a friend’s house on Monday night and Tuesday night, so my father left Monday morning, leaving me to walk to school.
I didn’t mind walking to school, though, and you know why? Because whenever I started to slow down, I thought “Maybe if I slow down too much, I won’t get to the bus in time and I’ll see Audrey for fifteen minutes less.” I didn’t even know it was Valentine’s Day until I heard the chatter in the school. I suppose I should have known that it was Valentine’s Day, since it’s always two days after my birthday, but the only time that I had ever drawn any sort of emotional significance was back when I had just turned eleven-every time before that, I was devoid of romantic thought from my prepubescent status, and every time after that, I was devoid of romantic thought from my disillusionment and, more unflatteringly accurate, my social ineptness. So it makes sense that I wouldn’t necessarily be shivering in antici... pation for Valentine’s Day to arrive.
But this time, it came as an uplifting shock. Valentine’s Day was the perfect way to act on my feelings for Audrey. It made even more sense as I attached significance to her through my birthday, which had occurred two days prior. I didn’t do anything at first, for History and Science. In History, I had done my homework on Friday. In Science, I quickly made up a Science Monday that had never existed. Between Science and Math, I went to my locker to get my textbook, and there was a Valentine’s Day card there, with a lollipop attached. My hormone-addled mind instantly assumed that it had come from Audrey, and I consumed the lollipop over the course of Math class. Math had no homework; I had just completed a test (with a ninety six percent score).
During Lunch, I had initially planned to do my Spanish homework. I gave up on that, deciding that expressing my feelings, somehow, to Audrey, was more important than that. So I started by bringing the Valentine I had received to my good friend Crystal, who is very socially intelligent. I asked for confirmation of identity. I still am unsure of who it came from; the only thing gleaned from Crystal was that it was not in fact from Audrey. Undefeated, I went to purchase a single sheet of paper from the DA student store. They do not sell individual papers, just notebooks. So I paid them extra-$18.75 extra-to tear out a single page and give me just that. I plopped down a twenty dollar bill and left. Totally worth it, I thought.
I made a simple Valentine’s Day card for Audrey. I think I saw Audrey behind me, reading what I wrote as I turned around, but I ignored it. It could be a hallucination-and besides, I’m trying to get the message across to her eventually, so it doesn’t necessarily matter if she sees me before I put it in her locker. I then proceeded to look around for Audrey’s locker. Whenever someone asked me what I was doing, I said “I’m not looking for Audrey’s locker. Where is it?” It wasn’t subtle, but I didn’t care. It was wacky, and I do wacky. Eventually, when I couldn’t find it, I started operatically singing about my desperate quest. A constant beat and melody of my improvisation developed on the spot, and it was actually pretty tense. Eventually, I encountered Audrey.
“Hey, Audrey, I’m not looking for your locker. Where is it?”
“It’s right over there.” She pointed a few dozen yards, so I started walking towards it, at a slow but constant pace. It was at this point that Janet brought things to a screeching halt.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m not looking for Audrey’s locker. I mean, I’m going that way, but I’m not looking for it. ...I’m not dropping a message there, or anything.”

“Oh, great, because she has a boyfriend.” My head started boiling, and after a few seconds I ripped the note (which I had been clutching against my chest since I wrote it) in two, dropped it on the ground, and bashed my head against a nearby locker, three times. I then started laughing (Laughing Mad, part one) and started walking around. One group of girls, including Audrey, greeted me. Audrey said she was sorry, and I cut her off, saying that she didn’t need to be, having done nothing to be sorry for.

The way I cut her off left me with the vague hope that she was going to say that she was sorry that Janet had lied to get rid of me in the misguided belief that Audrey was uninterested in me. However, she stated that she read the card and thanked me for the part about her birthday. Yes, it was a joint Birthday/Valentine’s card. Since I wrote the addition about her birthday after she apparently read it, she must have read it again... ripped up on the floor. Further, she didn’t say anything about the Valentine’s part, removing credence from my hopeful theory.

I finished my Spanish homework in the few minutes I had left. So I went to Spanish class and recited the story so far to my Spanish teacher and the few people who had gotten to the room. She was only really disturbed that I had hit my head against lockers, stating it to be bad for my health. I was sent to Study Hall to print out an assignment, which, due to my wonderful luck, required me to sit directly next to Audrey during the printing process.
After Spanish, I went to composition. Once again I recited my story (likely disrupting the lesson). My composition teacher said that she would use my story as an example for the exercise, but this did not play out. Further, after I had completed the exercise, Steve called me over and asked me if I knew who Audrey’s boyfriend was. I said I didn’t, so he pointed at Eddie Smith. This explained Eddie’s reaction to my story, and he smiled devilishly, so I slowly mouthed the f-word, started laughing again, pointing everywhere, and generally being incoherent (Laughing Mad, part two). When I returned to my seat, I dropped my head into my keyboard.

“I just started sending an email to no one!” Steve and Nathan made a joke about Eddie having sex with Audrey, and Eddie laughed along with them. I certainly would have reacted differently, had she been my girlfriend, but that fits in perfectly with my continuing theory that Eddie is my opposite counterpart-he has political views opposite to me, religious views opposite to me, his demeanor is opposite to me (I'm kind of crazy and outgoing, but ultimately awkward, he's really cold and sarcastic but ultimately popular), he looks just like me, and he spent a year hiatus from school at the same time that I did (the same distance in the opposite direction on the globe). I formulated a plan to break them up, but I discarded it when Terrence pointed out to me that it wouldn’t work, and I pointed out to myself that this would not be a nice thing to do. During my walk to Study Hall, I cried out at no one “Universe, are you going to throw any more horrendous luck at me during Study Hall?”
Behind me, Steve (or some such person) shouted “YES”.

“Well, screw you universe!” So here I am, in study hall, writing to you, Impromptu Computer Diary. Crystal calls Valentine's Day the International Day Of Heartbreak; I guess I'm part of the festivities. I could be doing my Spanish homework for Wednesday. I could be doing my Creative Writing story, which I’m passionate about. I could even be studying some subject. But I’m not. I’m writing to you, Impromptu Computer Diary. I have one thing left to say to you, Impromptu Computer Diary.

Happy F***ing Valentine’s Day.