I think of myself as a survivor now 13 years later .But a different type of survivor not cancer, diseases, domestic violence. For even though that’s bad and it affects people in the world. But what affects the most is the memory of someone who has touched you in a wrong way.

I remember like it was yesterday. So young and innocent. I don’t know what was going through his mind. His face smiling so sweet and me so happy with energy as I ran and turned around saying “no peeking”. I went towards the path behind the house and turned to the left behind the grey shed and crouched down laughing. Then he came behind me I didn’t know he was until he tapped me and I turned around, looked down and he was naked. I was afraid and didn’t like the game he wanted me to play. Then he reached and grabbed me from behind. He put his hand up my shirt and down my pants and I tried to get away but he was stronger than me. Then after he let me go and carried me to the washer he put me on top and I tried to jump off and he grabbed me then pushed me back on the washer again. He made me lie down and tried to take off my clothes. He had a white shirt, blue jeans and brown hiking boots. I had a white shirt, blue overalls and little white socks with black dressing shoes. I felt him get on top and I kicked him back until I hurt him in the stomach and kept saying “no no no”. Then I jumped off and he turned around and was right behind me. I ran in the house telling my aunt I didn’t want to play anymore. All she told me was “It’s to sunny to play inside. Go back outside”. He just looked at me laughing like he enjoyed molesting a young kid. He kept pulling me by my arm and telling me “let’s go outside”. I cried and cried as he carried me back outside. Then he told me to stop crying and never tell anyone or I would be in trouble.

It’s so surprising how a three year old could remember something like that. How your brain works to store that in your mind. But it’s a constant battle to deal with the emotions and empty feelings every day. Remembering the images and words is scary enough for me. Dealing with depression, sadness, insecurity, bad dreams and lost of peace. Is what makes me feel trapped each time. Because I keep thinking how a teenager can get away with something so deep and leave a scar in someone so small to even know what to do? Or what was going on?

A long time ago before I even told anyone what had happened as I learned about life. In a snap it just all came back to me and I remembered what had happened. I told my parents when I was twelve years old and they were really shocked and mad. They asked me why I didn’t tell them sooner and I told them I was afraid they wouldn’t believe me.

Later on I had counseling but it didn’t help me feel better inside. I had a tough time sharing with the counselor what the person did I could only tell her feelings. So then when I got into Roosevelt high school I talked with somebody. Then they got me help and I had to talk with (D.H.S) Department of human services. They asked me what the person did? If I knew where the person lived? But I only knew what happened. I had no clue of the location and I knew the person isn’t related. So then they had a chat with my parents and they didn’t know what to think at first. But they knew I needed help so my parents chose a counselor instead of (D.H.S ) choosing one for me. Then I talked about the same things. It helped me more because I felt like I could express myself more and learn more information I didn’t know.

I’m glad that I’m not alone. It’s sad because no one ever forgets their abuser and what he or she did. They said in the whole U.S. 1 in 4 women will be raped in her life time. Less than 10% will report the assault. Less than 5% of rapists will go to jail. It is found that 40% of girls age 14 to 17 said they had a friend their own age that had been beaten or hit by a boyfriend. 1.3 million children each year were sexually abused. They say every two and a half minutes 1 in 4 girls will get raped or sexually abused. 1 in 33 men get abused or raped. Mostly by someone they know. Every ¼ mile there is a sex offender.

There’s never a time when I don’t think about the sexual abuse that happened. But I know I have to speak out above everything else. I think that’s what kills me the most is being silent about it. I know it’s really hard. But I definitely want to help others who have been affected by child sexual abuse, Rape, abuse. Because when something like this happens to someone not everyone overcomes the emotions or after affects it feels like someone has pulled away half of you and it really does hurt when no one else understands or cares. I feel bad for those who haven’t survived and because I bet each one who hasn’t would’ve wanted to speak out . Others are silenced because maybe they are afraid, they don’t know where to start, and they may feel that they could get threatened by the abuser. There are so many reasons. But number one is you should never give up on hope.

I also think the world should be educated about all the different type of abuses. Students should also be educated. All they teach you in school is about fire, earthquake and lock down drills. What about drills to protect our generations, family, kids, friends and community against abuse, rape, date rape, incest, child sexual abuse, sexual assault, acquaintance rape, dating and domestic violence, drug facilitated sexual assault, partner rape, male sexual assault, stranger rape and stalking. Because it’s really important to keep everybody safe and teach them how to make sure this doesn’t happen to anyone.