The big mossy green mudroom against the creamy colored house was beautiful. It was possibly the biggest house I had ever lived in. It was fit for the type of family that was perfect, with the blonde hair blue eyes children, family nights, and the type of get togethers with lots of food and innocent fun. I never really questioned how we came to afford the house, but I guess I just figured it was because my dad was a miner and since he was always working, made the extra effort to afford it.
On the outside, we seemed exactly like that perfect family, but what went on in the inside was something totally different from what everyone thought. It was a nice two story house, with five bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a huge backyard blocked off with a gorgeous wooden fence. Since my brother was the youngest and basically attached to my mothers side and oblivious to it all, he chose the room right next to hers on the first floor. I always seemed to distance myself from the rest of the family, I never quite fit in with it all so I took the farthest bedroom on the lowest floor.
My father was always gone working, and even though I'm sure he knew what was going on he continued to be gone for long periods of time to avoid the truth. Where as all I ever wanted in my life was the truth, no matter how bad it hurt. My mom would leave for hours at a time; she called it taking care of business; I called it “getting her fix” and “paying the bills.” I'd usually have to make us lunch or if my mom showed up in time she would order take out. But she never showed up alone. There where always tons of people that would come over. They would sit around our huge table talking, smoking, and of course cutting deals with each other. I was always really over protective of my younger brother. I hated the way the older men that did “business” with my mother would look at me. And I always swore that if they ever touched my brother id probably end up doing something that would affect the rest of my life.
At my age most kids went to school, did their homework, and was ready for bed by 8:00 O'clock. But since my mother wasn't really a “mother” I didn't have rules or routines. My brother and I usually woke up around 11:00 in the afternoon. My mom would usually still be sleeping along with a ton of other people passed out around the house. We'd usually just find a snack and then my brother would play video games, and I would sit in my room usually listening to music. When my mother got around to getting up she would usually fix us some sort of food, and then continue with her “business.” Meanwhile since the house was all ours for a few hours we would just mess around watching T.V., going to the pond or playing some basketball in the back yard were no one could see us. When bed time for a normal child would roll around my brother and I would still be up doing what we pleased. And usually we wouldn't go to bed until about midnight.
Although my mother was gone a lot we always had nice things. As like any child I was excited when I got something new, but it was always difficult to try and forget how she got them, and how much guilt was behind them. My mother showed her love through giving us lots of money, and material objects. Unfortunately that's not the kind of love that I wanted. My sisters were also a big importance to my mothers game, and when my sister Stephanie announced that she was pregnant, it ripped me apart, and I wished I had never over heard that. At that moment, is when I realized that I would never want this for my future, or my children to come.