I moved to the U.S when I was five years old. I did not understand a single word of English. Only thing I knew how to say was, “may I go to the bathroom?” that my mom learned on the translator to teach me in case I’m having an emergency.

There was this time when I used my broken English and asked my kindergarten teacher for permission to go to the bathroom for five times, I remembered clearly

She would always reply “not right now”, every single time.

I feel like my bladder is very near to explode. My whole body was shaking already. Ten minutes later, this warm and wet feeling came down my pants. I peed my pants…     

 In school I was often left behind in class because during that time the words coming out of my teacher’s mouth were just gibberish to me. I can’t even ask questions since I can’t put words into sentences. When the teacher came to me and asked “So do you know what this means?”, she received nothing.

“...”

“You have to answer me, I can’t read you mind”, she sighed

I always looked at her confusingly because I don't know what I’m doing and I don’t even know what my question was. I was simply confused with the whole situation.    

I was invisible in this crowded class. I was like an observer of this changing world that watched my classmates laugh and have fun. I don’t understand the directions my teacher gave so the only thing that I can do is to follow anything that my table mate is doing. In that dim and sealed classroom with no natural light, I was a little seed trapped in darkness. 

Lunch time is the only time where I’m able to talk with other ESL students that are similar to me. We were children freed from the cages. We would use Chinese to communicate to each other and this is when school truly feels like home. Unfortunately, whenever the lunch lady caught us talking she would use her crappy Chinese that she learned on her phone and shove her face at us, saying “bU yao xiAoo huaa (be quiet)”.     

There are also times when you're following the wrong person. I can’t remember what happened exactly, but I’m telling to the best of my ability. From blindly copying this boy next to me, I did something that was completely off-task. My teacher got so frustrated at me that her whole face turned into a red tomato; she screamed at me with the top of her lungs “NOOO!”. 

 She seemed like a giant monster standing in front of me and I was about to burst out of tears. My heart was beating so fast as if it was about to pop out. I can’t give any explanation for myself. 

There are several instances when I got misunderstood by my teacher for not being able to speak this foreign language. There was another time when my teacher called my mother and they had a meeting in which they discussed my performance in school. The meeting was only about thirty minutes, but I felt a decade has passed by. My teacher told my mom that “Ruoxi has always been very quiet in class, she won’t talk to anyone”, she commented. My teacher asked my mom to take me to the doctor. She suspected that I might have autism…My mom was greatly offended by this absurd comment.

My mom frowned. She refuted “I think you have some misunderstanding of my daughter, she loves to talk to me at home”. No one would stay calm when someone makes a negative comment about their child when they are perfectly fine. “Is everything going well in school?”, my mom asked on our way home. The light lit up my mom’s pupils. The sunset was beautiful that afternoon, but I wasn’t in the mood. 

 “I can’t speak English, they won’t play with me…”, I replied. I looked up to my mom. I couldn't hold my tears anymore. 

My mom gently calmed me down and said “It’s ok. You will learn it eventually”. Till this day, I could never understand how a teacher can judge their student so fast when they made the least amount of effort to actually get to know them. 

It was twelve years ago and the ESL system was not perfect. There were no translators or any kind of help for me. The teacher was also having a hard time communicating with me so they often ignored me. I understand that it is very frustrating when a student is not replying to you. From 2007 to 2019 for fourth grade ESL students, about half of states experienced a decrease in proficiency rate and only 15 states increased. Many ESL students didn’t receive the proper help that they needed or materials that assist them to learn. Because of their language barrier, often these students are afraid to speak up. This caused some teachers to automatically neglect them since they are only one person. Teachers are already busy with 20 or 30 other students, how are they able to give extra help to someone who seems invisible in class? The classroom is more like the cage that holds me instead of a warm garden that fosters the growth of a small seed.  

Since no one helped me, my mom became the only person that I can rely on for my homework even though she doesn’t know English as well.She would flip through the yellowed dictionary that she had used thousands of times and search word for word to help to understand the direction of my homework. 

A lot of the time my mom would get very frustrated teaching me homework because I was having a hard time understanding no matter how many times she explained. Plus, she was already exhausted herself because she was also a blank piece of paper like me when it comes to English. “WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND!!?”, my mom yelled. “Kuai yi dian, mei shi jian le!” She shouted.  I have to work under the warm light for hours with my head dangling after crying . I would hand in my wrinkled homework sheet with many eraser marks every morning to the teacher.   

After some years, my English got better; however, I saw other ESL students going through similar issues as me. Although this system to help foreign students got slightly better, they still didn’t receive the help they needed. They are often looked down upon by other students because their English is not perfect. I felt bad for them; however, I couldn't do anything about it.

Every time the assistant principal introduces a shy, timid kid to the class, I would hear someone whispering, “Did they just come to the U.S? I don’t think they will be smart.”. They turned their heads to one another and started to laugh secretly.   

The new student, who had arrived in this new country with some excitement, hearing their mocking voices, the light in their eyes suddenly dimmed.The gaze with deep feeling through their burning eyes disappeared.  

Growing up in the public school, I have noticed that people automatically give them a tag that they are “unsmart” or the “problematic” kids just because they are not fluent with this language. Sadly, this kind of thought indirectly influenced me to think the same way as them. I began to judge these people inside when I was also once an ESL student. I became one of them…

Some voices from the outside began to pollute my heart that was once pure. 

It’s scary to me today how the lack of support for ESL students led to so much judgment of them and it developed a toxic environment of “foreign hating”. Students use English as a standard to conclude whether or not someone’s a good student. It would create a cycle that ESL students who passed English would continue to scorn the newly incomers and it goes on. The darkness of humanity was exposed when the seniors inflicted newcomers the same wounds they’ve suffered. 

When the teacher puts the ESL students together for group work, students would automatically believe that they are worse than other groups. “Look, they don’t know English. How are they going to compete with us?” they mocked.

Every single word coming from their mouth pierced an ESL student’s heart like a knife and caused countless scars.

Even the ESL students themself believed that they are put into a group because they are not smart enough. They will always be insecure about their pronunciation and their way of talking “I’m scared, how do you pronounce this?” they whispered.

I can see the fear and embarrassment on their faces with many sharp eyes that are waiting for their failure.  

However, only a few people are willing to help these poor students if they are lucky. For most of the case, ESL students have to face these obstacles by themself.

An invisible social pyramid was created in the education system. The student’s who is native and can speak English well were in the top of the pyramid, while people who are not fluent or if they are born in another country, will be on the lowest level. I spended twelve years climbing from the bottom to the top, but it’s not even the highest.   

For me personally, the ESL system didn’t benefit me much. I believe my own hard work contributed to most or nearly all aspects of my success now. I studied by myself. I practiced by myself. I learned every single word by myself. The role of teachers in elementary school, to me, is mostly giving directions. Indeed, there were like one or two teachers that did pay attention to me and care about me, but for most of my elementary career, I was all on my own. 

They are alone on this path full of thorns. In the journey of darkness my only light was myself.