You go numb. Time is flying by, faster than you imagined. Past thoughts begin to flicker in your mind with no exit. Is this really how you wanted things to go? 

You're sitting at dinner with your family, but nothing is the same as it used to be. You begin to realize those nights at dinner when you couldn’t help but smile from the fulfillment of happiness and contentment in the air. Now the dinner table is empty with no one to surround it. You’d do anything to go back to your past. Nobody even dares to acknowledge all the memories that that dinner table assembled into your childhood. 

4 years ago from today, You start to walk out of your room at the sound of Dolly, your mother’s voice. “Supper’s ready!” You hear her yell once again. Her voice was overfilled with glee, something you look forward to hearing much more than her over-tired and exhausted voice that you are now used to. Standing by, waiting for things to come back to the way they used to be. You walk into a kitchen full of laughter and excitement. You take your spot at the table right next to Dad, as always. Your oldest brother Rick takes a seat at the end of the table next to your second older brother Jason. Mom sits across from you, next to Dad of course. Being left with Emalise, the one you look up to most, sits right beside you with the biggest smile on her face reassuring you that everything is just perfect, and this, this is how things used to be.

Just by seeing Emalise’s perfectly implanted smile would remind you of the times when she used to live with you. During that time life wasn’t so dull, you’d get to be with the person who brought out so much joy in you 24-7. As you begin to dig deeper over this nostalgic feeling you’re having, you begin to realize that what if your time is being wasted? You feel as though you have accomplished nothing in your life. With the thoughts of your future practically scaring you to death. You wish you could go back when the only thing you’d ever worried about was the days counting down to Christmas. Even now Christmas is no longer something you look forward to. The date 25th of December is in less than two weeks, but it doesn’t feel like it at all. Not even one bit. It doesn’t even feel like December. Where’s all the merry? Why is there so much hatred? The snow disappeared quicker than you could even blink, leaving no trace of it at all. Christmas is supposed to be about the overpowering feeling of delightfulness, love, and caring that you share in the presents that you gift others, but you don’t feel anything of that desire. So why, why do you not look forward to Christmas? You're left alone with your thoughts.

As we move to the living room to watch tv. Looking down you see the old Wii player placed on the entertainment center, rusting as time takes a toll on it. A pile of dust fills every crack and sliver left on the player, with no way to clean it out. Scratches are overfilling the player of much use. The only way too clean it would be with water, completely destroying it as a whole. You can’t help but remember the fun you and Emalise had on that little white box. You would spend days during the summer playing “monkeyball”, specifically the one where you had to spin around in order to chuck a ball. Whoever got the farthest won. It’s been months since you could remember playing that game with her. Leaving nothing but emptiness to fill the outspoken void. As nobody knows what the youngest child goes through. You are the youngest, and it feels as though everyone keeps disappearing on you. Right after Rick and Emalise decided to move out, everything changed. Even though they were only your half-siblings, coming from shared dads, you still have a very special place for them in your heart. As they took care of you when you needed it most in your childhood. And for that, you will look up to them the rest of your life. But, now they are not doing so well on their own. Now they keep on doing unhealthy deeds in their life, bringing both your mom and dad down as a whole. Which then reflects upon you and Jason. They seek money from just about anyone when they don’t have the strength to earn it themselves. You begin to wonder if you even look up to them anymore. You are always somehow stuck in the middle when the family rages at one another. Sometimes you can’t even take it, you feel as though your brain is going to explode anytime they talk bad about one another to you. You have so many things to say of the situation, but you can’t, you can’t say anything at all. For, you are the youngest, meaning you have no power over any of them to be able to say what you believe in. So, instead, you put on your best performance. You smile leading with a fake chuckle anytime they bring up one another to you. They crave for details and answers, that you will never give to them.

The week flies by too fast to even process. You and your family decide to go over by Grandma Sandy for the day, as you haven’t seen her in forever. As you first walk into her apartment complex, you smell cleaning products, but not in a strong-smelling way. It's a more relaxing and pure smell. Grandma’s place always has the best scent to it. You could never forget it.

Although Grandma’s apartment complex isn’t exactly the prettiest place to live, she makes it look the most tidiest and cleanest place you could ever imagine. Outside on her deck, she has the cutest little one-of-a-kind knick-knacks that you wouldn’t generally find more than once somewhere. Specifically, a ceramic snail with a hollow inside. You effortlessly put your hands on one of them before you walked inside. Feeling its rough and bumpy edges surrounding the whole outside of it, but when you look towards the inside of it you see a pretty ombre of colors, almost looking like a sunset. That is where the beauty behind all of it is. And that's just precisely how you see your grandma. She may not have the kindest looks on her face, or language, but you can see the most beautiful and over-caring person behind it all. And most of all you know that she has been through so much throughout her life. Especially after Grandpa died. It took a huge toll on her.

You’ve always wondered what grandpa was like. Another reason of wishing to go back to your past. As you were only a baby when he died from leukemia. You imagine that he was just like your father in a way. Strong and heavy-minded, very bitter but sweet when you need it most. Was he someone who never shows how much pain he is really in? But, you understand that your dad tends to show it through anger and rage at times. Does that mean thats how Grandpa would also react? It’s not your favorite thing in the world to witness. But, he always comes back to be the loving and caring father you always knew in the end. Is that precisely how your grandpa was too?

Those thoughts are put aside as y ou’re sitting inside playing cards with Dad, Mom, Jason, and Grandma in the kitchen at her smooth rounded table. Grandma always told the best stories at this table. Mostly about Grandpa, or of my father when he was a child, those are always the best to listen to. 

You all finished playing the first round of war with the deck of cards. Of course, Grandma won once again!

 Mom and Dad get up and go get some fresh air outside. Jason says to Grandma,”I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go use the bathroom.”

“Sounds good!” Grandma says with a grin on her face, knowing he’s only going in there to play his video games on his phone.

I laugh at the look she gives me as he’s walking towards the bathroom, already whipping his phone out of his pocket before even getting to the bathroom door. 

Now it's just you and Grandma. You continue to sit at the table with her, seeing that everyone else has already left. No shocker. She’s looking down as she shuffles the deck of cards. You decide to release the tension and ask her, “ Grandma, do you think my future will turn out good? Please don’t just say yes because you feel as though you have to.”

“Now what's gotten into you, why are you thinking of this right now? Tell me what's on your mind,” she says, with a very sweet and reassuring voice. Setting the cards down, putting her full attention on me.

You always know you can count on her to listen to anything you have to say, so you proceed with saying,” I just feel like nothing is the same anymore. I haven’t even accomplished anything that I wanted to. I don’t know, I guess it just feels like I’m wasting my time. I just really wish I could go back to how things used to be.”

“Now I’m sure that's nonsense, I know you have accomplished so many things in life already. Man! Just you being here with me right now is a very big accomplishment of yours. I mean, who wouldn’t wanna spend time playing cards with me?!” she explains, trying to bring you back up.

You chuckle slightly, “Seriously Grandma I don’t know why it all feels like this.” You say looking for an answer.

“Alright. Well, you’re finally growing up! Maybe you're having to wait for a long time for things to start happening because the future that’s coming for you is even more profound and beautiful than you imagined. Something my momma used to always tell me, your great grandma, is that when the devil keeps telling you to look back at your past, there’s something in your future that he doesn’t want you to see.”

Wow, she really did have an answer, you think to yourself, “Well, what does that even mean, what your mom told you?”

“Well, it means that don’t waste your time looking or wishing to be put back into your past when there is something far more important to look at or be wishing about in your future. It’s just as simple as that.”

“You’re right. Thank you for this Grandma.” You say just in time as everyone rejoins back to the table for another round of war.

After hours of visiting, you and your family are just now leaving Grandma’s. You wave goodbye to the sight of Grandma in her doorway. She is smiling big and proud. That smile could hide just about anything.

You and your family finally arrive home. You feel a lot better about yourself and what your future’s gonna be like, after hearing what Grandma had to say. You immediately go to bed, as so does everyone else. You lay in your bed replaying Grandma’s message to you earlier, word by word. You wonder if what she was saying to you was true. Maybe you are just overthinking everything? You question yourself. You decide to listen to your grandma and focus on what's happening to you right now, not in the past, and not in the future. But right now. Now that you are pleased with your decision, you doze off not having to worry about a thing.

It’s morning, but you sense something isn’t quite right in the air. It is cold, colder than usual. You try to take a breath of air but it's stiff, too stale, and dry to breathe in. You open your bedroom door to the sound of cries.

“She's gone!” you hear your mom say in the distance.

“Who's gone?” you say quietly, peaking your head out your door.

“Your Grandma, she, well she passed….” 

You swallow razor blades. This can not be true, you think to yourself. You’re in denial. Too shocked, not even one word could make it out of your mouth. You sit there in dead silence. Not sure of what to do. How could this have possibly happened? Things were finally starting to get better too.

A week has passed, and It’s the day of her funeral. You don’t know how to feel. You’ve been in complete shock since last week when she passed. You choke up, just by thinking about how she's really gone. This was not how things were supposed to go. This got you thinking, one day everyone is going to disappear for good, and you’ll be the only one left behind. From this point on, you want nothing to do with your future anymore. You no longer care how anything plays out throughout your life. You just want to go home. You can’t take seeing one more of grandma’s so called “friends” cry over her passing when they never even truly knew who she was in the first place.

You and your family finally arrive home. It was dead silent the whole car ride. You're just glad to finally be home. You instantly go and lie down in your bed, trying to avoid any contact with anyone near you. Just when you're about to close your eyes, your mom walks in, taking a seat on the end of your bed. Before you could speak one word she was already answering what was on your mind.

“Oakley, I know how badly you wish you could change what has happened. And by the way, Grandma told me about the things you were asking her. She was quite worried about you.”

“Mom, I didn’t……..” You try to say but she cuts you off.

“It’s okay. I’d like to say something to you. Remember, dwelling on your past can take up a lot of space in your mind. And it’s time to release that tight grip it has on your heart. Let yourself heal from this pain, step by step.”

She begins to get up and heads towards the door. “You are stronger than you know Oakley, and brighter days are ahead.” She says before leaving the room.

You take what she had to say to heart. You could tell that she really did mean it. Now you just have to believe in it yourself.

Emalise and Rick both come over for dinner later the next day, bringing the whole family back together again. Turns out dinner went much better than you were expecting it to be. The whole time you were laughing and connecting with one another over old stories of grandma’s past. You just couldn’t help but smile. Everything was back to how it was. But that didn’t matter to you. It doesn’t matter that it's back to how it was, it matters how things are now. Right now you appreciate how your life has played out so far.

For tomorrow isn’t promised, today is a blessing. Because all we have is now. So enjoy the good and the bad. Take life day by day. Most of all be thankful for what you have.