Beat, beat, beat, bzzzzzzz. My heartbeat rushes through my head. It’s that same pain that happens when I have such a bad cut, I can feel my heartbeat in it. But this is worse. The pressure builds up and up until the serging pain of my headache comes back. It feels as though someone or something is compressing my head as it is trying to break free. I feel strangled. Restricted. Helpless. This has never happened. I slowly rouse from my nightmarish sleep and wake up in my dark gloomy room, feeling groggy and half-awake. My navy blue walls make my room pitch black. It’s a dark, cloudy day, but light pours in through the cracks in my curtains. Sharp stabbing pains are running through my head. When they strike, it’s like lightning. With every pain, I can feel the pressure becoming more and more. I can feel it everywhere, behind my eyes, on the back of my neck, I can even feel it serging out of my forehead, like a rock climber reaching for the top of a mountain. I want to go back to sleep and wake up normally again, but the pain stirs me awake time after time. And, every time I wake again, the pain is worse. It gets to the point where I can barely take it anymore. I need to get help, but I can’t bother my Mom. She’s probably working and I don't want to interrupt her. But I know I need to stick up for myself. Beep, beep, beep… I dial my Mom’s number.

 “Hello? What’s wrong?”

 My thoughts are rushing to form an answer but no matter how hard I try I can’t push the words out of my mouth. I feel as though my mouth has been cemented shut.

 “I can’t… My head…. It hurts so bad Mom. Where are you?” 

It’s all I can force out of my mouth. It feels like forever until she finally rushes into my room.

We sit on my bed for 5 minutes, but the time seems to stretch on. But even in this time, I can’t begin to explain this pain, gnawing at my head. My mom can’t see what's wrong, but I don’t want to worry her or keep her from working. She can’t understand it, and I don’t need her worrying about me. I try to convince myself of this over and over again, but I know it’s not true. I just can’t bring myself to complain about what’s happening when I know she has stuff to do. From the outside I seem so calm. But, on the inside I’m banging on the walls like a little girl. My thoughts are racing so fast they could swirl into a merciless tornado. What’s wrong with me? Am I going to be ok? I can’t breathe Mom! I can’t talk! Help me, Mom! But everything I want to say is stuck inside the raging storm. My thoughts are flashing, my legs are shaking, even my headache is gaining momentum. And, even though my brain could talk for hours, nothing I want to say will come out. My words are stuck like glue refusing to emerge from my mouth. Everything makes sense, until I try to bring them to life. Letters become numbers and sentences become equations. My mind is a game of scrabble. What’s happening? I can’t talk! Turns into a whole new sentence. 

“How… How… I can’t…”

It’s no use. I know it won’t work even though I try and try. But, every attempt has the same outcome. I must be going crazy. Right? All I can do now is get worse. Just like I expected, it did. Pins and needles are spreading up my arms and legs. I can barely talk or move even my fingers. I feel the sensation surging through my body. I am told to drink more but I can barely even bring myself to grip the cup. My hands shake and my body won’t cooperate. I’m screaming inside but only the simplest phrases manage to emerge from my mouth. I keep trying to convince myself of everything I’m telling my Mom.

“I’ll be fine. You can go back. I… I can do this.”

But, I know I can’t keep acting like I’ll be fine. I need to say something before it gets any worse than it already has. My mind is swirling thoughts. Should I ask her? I know I need to, but is it even worth it? It’s like I’m on a balance beam. Tipping more and more and more. Until finally… I fall. I push the words out despite how much I struggle to.

“Mom! I need help. It’s getting worse and I don’t know what’s going on.”

I finally get her to understand what’s happening to me and we’re on the phone with Children’s. The hold music plays over and over in my head for what feels like forever. Then, I get that feeling. That terrible, terrible feeling. I’m going to be sick. It rose inside of me like a teapot on the verge of bubbling over. I ran straight to the bathroom and thank goodness I made it. Great! I can add this to the never ending terrible cycle too! Ugh. I walk back to the bed feeling great and I could’ve thought it was completely gone. But, that throbbing feeling and numbness comes back like a vengeful enemy. Only this time it’s worse.

I know I can’t put up with this. This cycle just repeats and repeats. When will I advocate for myself and tell her I can’t do this anymore? I need to stop worrying about her missing work and do this to help myself. Sometimes you’ve got to think about you. I do just that. I’m still floating inside of myself, trying to break free, unable to force out even the easiest sentences, but I know something is wrong. I need to trust myself and get the help I need. 

“Mom, I can't wait any longer. We need to go now. I don’t care how many times they say no. I know something is wrong.”

My Mom can’t turn me down. She sees the urgency and soon we’re on the way.  After the worst car ride of my life we’ve made it. I’m quickly ushered back into a dark hospital room, my mind going foggy. They give me adequate medicines, and I’m already starting to feel better. I go through test after test, and finally drift off to the thoughts that have been running through my head all day.

What’s wrong with me? Will I be okay? I hope this helps. How much longer will this drag on? Thank goodness I finally advocated for myself and got myself here. Who knows what could have happened if I didn’t. Thoughts are swirling through my head, yelling at me for not saying anything sooner, and praising me for finally standing up for myself.  Thank goodness I did because I have realized that I should always listen to my gut in a serious situation like this. What did they find? Nothing. Not even a lead. But, it’s all worth the while now that I’m finally getting better. Now I know that I will wake up to finally being myself again because I finally trusted myself to do what was best for myself and not worry about others.