“I can’t take it anymore!” A silent screaming echoed in my head. It was almost midnight, and I still had a Chinese test to prepare for and an essay to turn in the next day. As I buried my head in my hands, feeling like I was on the verge of having an anxiety attack, a warm lick on the back of my hands sent a tickling sensation through my body. Then, a gentle furry nudge on my head forced me to fully snap out of self-pity. I put my arms around Sugar’s neck, spoiling myself in his affection as he leaned against my leg and sat on my feet. As always, a tranquil feeling set in and the tasks on hand seemed less intimidating. I had lost count how many times Sugar saved me from a nervous breakdown since we got him almost two years ago.

Sugar is a pandemic puppy. He was not intended for me, even though I had begged for a dog with as many reasons as I could think of.

“I am a dog-year person—aren't you, too? Why can’t we have one? I promise I will walk him every day!”

“OK, but what about my shoes?” Mom replied with a knowing smile.

“Well, I will watch them for you,” Grandma said, playing her mom-of-Mom trump card. “You know, I feel lonely when you guys are all locked in your rooms for the whole day. The senior center is closed, and my friends are all scared to come out anymore.” She sighed, taking her eyes off the “Please knock” sign on my door, something unfamiliar in Chinese culture.

“Yeah, exactly! Grandma is a goat-year person—let’s get a German shepherd!” My heart raced with hope as I knew Mom rarely said no to Grandma.

On a sunny day 2 months later, a little white shepherd with a pink nose arrived from a home nearly 100 miles away. That same month, our lives forever changed.

I kept my promise.

“Beautiful dog!” A cyclist shouted as he passed by. I smiled like a proud parent.

“How is your grandma doing?” asked a neighbor who we'd only recently gotten to know while walking Sugar around the neighborhood.

“Mommy, doggy!”exclaimed a little girl from her stroller as we turned the corner into a nearby park. Her excitement filled my heart with joy.

Over the past few weeks, I watched Grandma’s face light up every time Sugar sat down when she pointed her index finger up or put his paw in her hand when she held her hand out. He curled up at her feet when she told her stories about how she lost her father at age of 3 in rural China and how desperate she felt when her mother left when she was 9. It’s all worth it, the chewed-up furniture and my favorite sneakers, white furs sticking out of mom’s black sweater, and holes dug in Grandma’s beloved garden.

During those weeks, I found myself wondering why Sugar was so comforting. Maybe it was because he never judges me, or maybe it was because he loved me unconditionally without expecting much in return. He greeted me every day when I got off school. He knew when I was upset and simply laid down on my side or nudged me with his pink nose. Sometimes he pull my clothes lightly with his teeth and looked at the door with an innocent longing expression that made me powerless to refuse a walk, even if I had something else on my mind. By the time we came back, I could never remember what it was. Even when I locked myself in my room, he scratched the door and whined as if asking if I was OK. Could he smell my mood? Was this why millions of people became first-time dog owners during the pandemic?

“We have to give him up,” Mom muttered as I stood in the courtyard peering into the window wondering why Sugar was not there waiting for me as he did every afternoon.

His favorite spot was the twin bed by the window where he can perch up and see the street. The next thing I remembered was a blur of lights from Halloween monsters, ghosts, and pumpkins rushing backwards when we drove to the emergency room with Grandma in the back seat moaning in pain. “I should’ve let go of the leash. It’s not entirely his fault.” The words Grandma squeezed out were barely audible.

“We recommend surgery to align the broken bone, so you will have most of your left arm function recovered.” the doctor explained as she pointed to the X-ray picture on her computer. The possibility of never seeing Sugar again loomed in the sterilized fuscent of the hospital.

But my fear was met with equal force by my grandma’s love. I couldn’t believe how determined Grandma was to keep her furry grandson.

“Who is going to watch the house when I go to the grocery store?” She asked. It was her turn to come up with a good reason to convince my mom.

“Besides, Sugar makes me much less worried when he goes with you on your night runs.” she added, as the medals from mom’s marathons glimmered above the fireplace.

“But this is the second time, Mom!” my mom protested, holding the crutch Grandma just stopped using a few weeks ago after falling on her knees when Sugar jumped on her back.

“I promise, I will be careful. He will be better as he grows up.” Grandma stroked Sugar’s head as if her entire world’s happiness depended on it.

In truth, Mom is more attached to Sugar than anyone else. She is the one who gives him a bath every month, even though she gets scratched up every time. She is the one who cleans up after him and takes him to the vet when he has accidents. She is the one who stood in front of him when another big dog charged at him. If the evidence was any indication, it seemed like deep down, she wanted to keep him.

As I thought about my own mom, I wondered if Sugar ever missed his. I looked into his eyes for answers, wishing he could talk. He left her when he was 8 weeks old, equivalent to two in human years. Maybe that’s why he thinks I am his big brother, my grandma his grandma, and my mom maybe even his new mom. The very thought makes my heart melt and ache at the same time. I know he will love me until the day he dies, but what did I do to deserve his love? Scientifically, dog owners have lower blood pressure, less stress hormones, and have better relationships with other people because of oxytocin, the so-called “love hormone”. A recent study even reported that dog owners had more social support and fewer depressive symptoms during the COVID-19 pandemic than peers who didn't own a dog. As if answering my question, another study found that dogs also release the same hormone while spending time with their owners.

But as soon as I'd answered that question, another popped up. Now that the pandemic is over, will Sugar and other dogs feel lonely at home by themselves? Even though they will not be returned to shelters (a survey showed at least 90% of dog owners still kept their pandemic puppies a year later), separation anxiety is a huge challenge they will have to overcome. Not every family has a grandma staying home every day. On top of that, the inflation and economic downturn has made taking care of the pandemic puppies more difficult.

“Things will get better.” I overheard Mom say unconvincingly after calculating how much money she and my dad had lost in the stock market.

“Are you sure Sugar really needs health insurance?” Dad frowned.

When money is tight, I guess everything counts. We are lucky to be able to afford the additional cost of taking care of Sugar, but it will be a different story for people who really feel the pinch.

The fact is Sugar is not just a pet, he is family. His love and compassion give me strength and courage to face challenges at difficult times. He makes both Mom and Grandma feel safe and needed, giving them not just health benefits but more purpose in life. Now I understand why people who experience homelessness would rather sleep on the street with their furry friends than go into a shelter without them, and I wouldn’t hesitate to do my best to support them at the next encounter.

Sitting by the dining table with Grandma and giving her nightly English lesson, I saw Sugar sleeping on his side with legs extended out on the new quilted blanket Grandma just made for him. He will keep Grandma company for at least another decade, if everything goes well. As I imagine Grandma turning 90 years old and Sugar turning 12—an age equivalent to 84 in human years—I wonder who is going to be taking care of whom then. One thing is for sure: I'm going to be there for both of them, and my entire family. Watching Sugar's unconditional love for each of us, my Grandma's unwavering support for him as he grows up, and my Mom's unrelenting resolve to make it all work, I'm endlessly inspired by everyone around me in this house. I strive to bring that same uncompromising energy to people whose life path may cross mine.

Sleep tight, my sweet little brother!