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Coming Out To My Orthodox Indian Mother
I have to tell you something. I know you have wanted me, to be honest, and that you appreciate it when you can be a part of my life. Would you be disappointed if I don’t date a boy? Would you be unhappy? Will you love me less? Will that change the way you see me? This isn’t just a phase and it has taken some time for me to discover and accept myself. I’m bisexual. Sexuality and gender are on a spectrum. It is a fluid and ongoing process. I consider my sexuality to be similar to shoe size. It can grow and adapt along the way; but for now, this is what it is. I understand this can be difficult, confusing, and turmoiling for you. I’m here if you have any questions. I completely understand that you may need time to come around. But, this is who I am. I love you. You are the only family I have. I don’t want to lose you. I get that there will be a lot of opposition and my life might become infinitely difficult because the world we live in isn’t perfect. But what hurts most is when your parents don’t get you. If you’re by my side, I can triumph in any battle. I understand that this news can be devastating and overwhelming and that you may not be equipped to handle it. If you need any online resources, I will be happy to forward that to you. If you feel that will not suffice, I would suggest you speak to a queer-positive therapist about how you can be an ally and a supportive parent. They can guide you through the process of accepting my sexual orientation, loving me and being proud of me. I can even volunteer to attend joint sessions with you. I didn’t choose this, I discovered it. This is not in my control, neither is it in yours. This cannot be cured or reversed. This doesn’t say anything about you as a parent. Nothing you could’ve done would have produced a different outcome. This is not about you. This is my journey. I will be going through the whole process for myself. No one can do this on my behalf. It will be great to have your love when I do so. My sexual orientation is a part of my identity. It doesn’t define me. My coming out isn’t the end of my journey, but rather the tip of the iceberg. It is nevertheless a huge milestone that is very important to me. My motivation and incentive behind coming out are, of course, to not hide my true self from the world, feel less trapped and more joyful and live my best life without guilt. When I was in the closet, it felt like living in constant fear, like a gun on your forehead with its trigger activated, a bomb waiting to explode, a volcano waiting to erupt. I label myself to initiate this domino of defining myself with my limited vocabulary, intellect, perspective, and experience and then, slowly break out of these constructs. I feel my coming out is an opportunity to be unabashedly and unapologetically true to myself. This will help me love myself and respect myself a little more. It will allow me to be honest and vulnerable, something I haven’t been good at lately, and sharing something so intimate and personal by coming out is a good step when I’m working on these skills. Hopefully, we can connect and bond even more after this. Since you are so important in my life, my coming out is more of letting you in- into my life, into my authentic identity. I feel loved and proud of myself. It will be awesome and great to share that with a loved one like you. It will enable our relationship to be stronger, richer, more fulfilling and more authentic. I have been fortunate and privileged enough to have the opportunity to introspect in therapy, reflect and know that I’m special, and beautiful and that if you refuse to accept me, while it may hurt, I will grieve and eventually recover and get back up. This doesn’t say anything about me. However, if you accept me, it will mean the world to me. I am writing this in June 2021. As the world celebrates pride month and tunes in from different backgrounds to attend pride parades, I find the courage to embrace this part of me, fearfully and fearlessly. It is difficult but liberating and important for me. If and when we do read this together, please hug me, I need it. I’m now my whole self. This has been a special process for me especially with you being the first person I’m opening up to. I want you to know that I’m happy. What I just told you doesn’t affect or change my love for you. I’m sorry this has taken me so long to open up to you but please understand that this is incredibly nerve-wracking and fear-inducing for me. Since my early teens, I have been figuring out who I am, and every step of the way I like who I find more and more. I am excited and thrilled to let you into this little bubble and know me better. I believe it is time to introduce you to this aspect of me. I understand that this is quite an emotional piece of news and I’m not expecting you to swallow it immediately. Do you recall ever having to choose your sexual orientation? Do you recall at what age you realized you were straight? I’m still your child. I’m still the same person I have always been and who I love will never change that. You raised me to be strong and confident. I don’t want to hide who I am anymore. This is hard for me because it is so personal. It has been very difficult to hide who I am. I haven’t said this before because I wasn’t prepared to face the reality and have a conversation with you about this. I want to have a good relationship with you and be honest. I’ve been afraid to tell you all this while. Please know that I’m sharing this because I love and respect you.
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I've been extremely close to my mom- she's the only family I have. I came out to her last year after I had a panic attack at school during an extremely important test. I was already dealing with poor mental health but keeping this from people felt physically suffocating. This was the letter I read to her. In retrospect, she supported me fully. To all the friends and family like her, who accepted their loved ones from the get-go, thanks for being awesome allies!