All I heard was “we kissed…” all the rest of his words were drowned out by my thoughts. I felt the warm wet tears tumbling down my face. All I could think of is why would she betray me like this?  Her reassurance was a lie. How could she lie straight to my face and not even quiver the sight of me? How could I even face her without wanting to shout at her?

It was the night of the bonfire, and I hung out with my friends. I was in the middle of a conversation when I see one of my friends walking to a car with my ex-boyfriend and his friend. I knew that it would have not ended up well if I let her get into that car. So, I excused myself from the conversation and dashed as fast as I could to her. All I could see is her getting closer and closer to the car. My heart raced, and I got nervous. I ran so fast that my feet barely kept up. I was stumbled left and right, and I finally got to her barley able to catch my breath, and as I ask her,

“What are you doing? You are not supposed to get into the car.”

Her, annoyed, stated

“I know Kira, I know. I wasn’t going to get into the car”

I heavily sighed of relief, and we walk away together.

Later that evening we had to go to the bonfire, and they offered to bring us with, in their car, but we declined. I tried to mind my own business by making sure my friend was safe and didn’t get into the car when my ex-boyfriend came over to come and talk to me. All the emotions of the past flooded to the surface. There was a mix of anger, sadness, and regret. All I thought was I don’t want to talk to him after what he has done to me. Although I forgave him in my heart, I wasn’t ready to get myself into his life again.

He came up to me and talked to me as if nothing happened. He didn’t care about what he had done. We talked, and I tried to stay strong, but all of my rage, sadness, and regret came out. I could feel my whole body shaking, and I could feel my face heating with emotions. I start to cry. His apology just rolled off his tongue as if he had rehearsed it thousands of times. He didn’t even begin to comprehend what he did and how it affected me so greatly.

He tried to calm me down by whipping my tears, but it only reminded me of the time that he used those hands against me. I start shaking and crying uncontrollably. I stop there in pain of the memories that he caused me to have. I tried to leave, but his manipulation got me. The same manipulation that got me to stay all those months in our relationship.

 He finally left and told me to unblock him from snap because he told me that we needed to talk. He said he needed to tell me stuff that had happened. I hesitated at first, but I knew that he withheld all the answers that I was looking for. We started to chat now and then, but I didn’t open my life up to him. I strictly just wanting more information about what he had been hiding from me.

Later that week, he finally said that the situation was bad, but not too bad. He told me that the situation was with him and my best friend. I started to cry on the spot. I sat in my bedroom alone, and the house was quiet. I heard a crash every time one of my teardrops fell. The person that I thought was my best friend, who told me that she had no feelings for him whatsoever, had betrayed my trust. Even though I didn’t know exactly what he was going to say. I could of only think of the worst. I begged him to tell me with all my heart hoping that they didn’t kiss. If they kissed my heart would be destroyed, and so would my trust. He wouldn’t tell me what happened because he didn’t want me to go through the pain alone. He said he cared about me so much because of who I am, and what type of person I am. I wasn’t going to let him be the one to comfort me. He would be the last person I would want there. If I had to go through this, I was going to go through it alone. Everyone that I had trust had betrayed me, and all I could think is that no one in my life could completely understand what is happening, but me.

 I shook, holding the phone in my right hand. You could see the puddle of tears on my phone screen. All I felt at that moment is that I was alone. The only thing in the room was me and my thoughts. I was praying to God that they didn’t do anything serious, but I didn’t even believe it myself.

He tried to convince me that it wasn’t that bad, but I knew he lied. I dated him for nine months, so I know what kind of person he is. He was pushy, and all he wants is to satisfy himself, so I knew that my best friend couldn’t handle him. I kept standing my ground, and he finally gave up. All I heard was “we kissed…” all the rest of his words were drowned out by my own thoughts and tears. I could feel the warm wet tears tumbling down my face, more than before. All I could think about is why would she betray me like this?

Her reassurance was a lie! How could she lie straight to my face and not even quiver at the sight of me? How could I even face her without wanting to shout? I thought about all the times I had with my so-called “best friend,” and tried to think about what else she lied about this friendship. I thought about all the laughs, and all the memories I had, but all I did was despise her. I thought about all the times she told me nothing was ever going to happen between, but it was all a lie. The girl that I talked to all my problems about, from the overreactions about the little stuff, to all my boy problems. She was the one who called me a friend but broke me down to the bare bones. She did everything from calling me an exhausting friend, told me to get over myself.

I told my ex that I had to go, and the last I heard from him was him saying no. I shove my face into my pillow, and I screeched as my heart is breaking. I could feel the pillow flood up with my tears, as I try to catch my breath. Time felt like it had stopped, and for the first time in my life, I felt betrayed.  I felt alone in so many ways, and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because I felt like they would say, I told you so. My parents tried to get me to calm down, but I couldn’t. The person I trusted the most just made my heart rip in half.

Finally, I calm down, and I thought about what happened. My best friend, the one I trusted the most went behind my back and kissed my ex-boyfriend. The boy who sexually assaulted me, mentally, and emotionally abused me. The boy who controlled every little aspect of my life, if it was by how I dressed, to whom I could talk to. The boy who “supported our friendship,” but the person who despised it the most. She was the one, who I wanted to protect the most, love the most, and care about the most, kissed the guy the made my life a living hell.

I asked him what all happened, and he said that they went fishing and they kissed. They went on walks together, and held hands, and kissed. I tried to not think about it, but it got to me. I thought about how he touched my friend as he did me. He told me that he wouldn’t go for my best friend because he knew it would hurt me. I thought about if he loved her when he said he loved me. Could he be using me just to get closer to my friend?

 Every time I think about this incident my eyes cram up with tears. I think about what they were thinking when they were doing all of this. Where they even thinking about me? I think did they care about me, or did they care about each other more? Did they think about my emotions during this? I asked her about it, but she denied it at first, which made it worse. She said that I am trusting him more than I was trusting her. She eventually admitted that they did kiss, but she tried to make me feel bad about not asking her, and I have kept a promise to myself to not let her try and guilt trip me as she had been doing before first about the kiss. I asked her why she didn’t keep herself from doing it? She of all people would know what type of person he is. She knew about all those times he hurt me. She knows all the times I have cried about him. She tried to justify it by saying “you know how manipulative,” and controlling he is, and “I didn’t know he was that bad.” She said that immediately after they kissed, she felt bad, but continued to hang out with him.  At that moment, even though she was my “best friend,” I wanted to punch her in the face. Her “justification” was that she was sorry and that I should get over it.

He just said that he was sorry. I know he didn’t mean it because I know that he told her every day that they would be perfect together, or that they would make a dream couple.

The next morning, I woke up and all I could see were these red dots that looked like freckles. It turns out that I cried so hard that I popped all the blood vessels under my eyes. They looked like red freckles.

By this time my brain shut down from stress, anxiety, and the feeling of being alone. All I did was cry, but all my tears were out. All I did was scream. I screamed at the top of my lungs until it felt like my lungs gave out. I screamed so hard my tears came back. I felt like a robot just going through the motions. My heart had turned to stone, I felt no love or anything for days, because of the heartbreak that I had encountered.

I honestly have learned so much about myself and the people around me. I have learned that I am stronger not just emotionally, but mentally. I have learned that not everyone around me is good. When I see a red flag, I should just leave immediately, and not try and give so many second chances. I learned that sometimes people are who you think they are. I am still friends with the girl, but I don’t trust her that much. The guy I have completely blocked out of my life, even though I forgave him, I am not wanting to start anything over again. I have learned that sometimes age is just a number, and sometimes you must be the bigger person. This experience has made me the person that I am today.