Loss.

I have lost many things this year, not as in a hair tie or my favorite pen. I’ve lost significant people and figures in my life this year. This year has tested me time and time again. When I think everything has calmed down and I’m ready to fully grieve, someone else passes away. 

I have experienced grief before this year, my grandfather passed in 2013 and I didn’t know him well enough to be really hurt by his passing, though I was able to recognize the pain of the people around me. Then in 2016, I lost one of my best friends to suicide, Zach, it was a very tough loss for not only me but for my family. I cried a lot for a while but I began the healing process. It wasn’t easy and some days were better than others, some days I cried, and others I would just be able to reminisce about happy memories. The pain I felt then was something I never wanted to go back to. I was fighting it silently because I felt as though no one would understand how I felt.

Then this year came around and I found out how truly painful and exhausting the death of a loved one (or multiple) is. I first lost my uncle Timmy on March 3rd, I was close with him when I was little but as I got older he became someone I didn’t want to know but I never stopped loving him. His death was sudden and painful but it was the first monumental case of “don’t take things for granted” in my life. Then, my aunt Jane passed away on July 1st, the day before my birthday. She was my greatest supporter, she sent me letters for every event in my life, including my birthday, moving up from elementary school and middle school, good grades, christmas, and any other random time she felt like sending them just to let us know that she was there and that she cared. Her passing was the hardest one I had dealt with, it was very sudden struck me with overwhelming pain. She helped shape me into who I am today. She taught me to have my priorities straight and to have great aspirations in life, to take risks and seize every moment because you never know how one little thing could change your life. About a month and a half later my great-grandfather passed away, he was a very significant figure to not only me and my family but the entire town of Mount Union, a small town in Pennsylvania where my mom’s side of the family lives. He was what brought my huge family together twice a year every year. He made all of us love the town whether we lived there or not. He got dementia and always thought I was my mom but when we informed him that it was me he would always sing some random railroad song called ‘Katydid’ to me. He was truly an unforgettable man with amazing stories. Two weeks after that my dog of 12 years passed away. She was the best, most loving, and truly amazing dog I could ask for. She was diagnosed with diabetes in July of 2017, and exceeded her life expectancy by 10 months, she lived an amazing life that I am so grateful for. It doesn’t make losing her any easier though, I still go to let her in and say bye to her when I leave the house. The pain I’ve felt this year is unbearable and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. 

I would consider myself a strong person, I can handle most things, I can accept things and typically I can understand why things happen. This year I haven’t been able to do those things as easy as I used to. I have had a hard time dealing with grief, I have put on a strong persona when really, inside I am crumbling and I can’t deal with anything in life. I haven’t been sleeping which doesn’t allow my brain to get a little break from all of the things that have happened and are still happening. Which doesn’t allow me to learn or do assignments because my brain is thinking about a million other things including who may die next or why so many people I’m close with have died. The anxiety I have felt has been awful, it prevents me from being the free bubbly person I am normally. I feel trapped, like nothing is ever going to get better. So, I decided to ask for help, I texted my mom asking to talk to my doctor about how I’m feeling. I explained everything to her and she gave me advice and diagnosed me with Acute Adjustment Reaction Disorder. That may sound very odd and almost scary but in a nutshell it means everything that has happened has caused me to not be able to not handle anything else happening in my life. She then put me on medicine to help me sleep at night then another medication to help me deal during the say which seems to be working. I am healing and fully grieving now which I’ve learned is normal and healthy to do. 

I am becoming the person I want to be again and I am finally understanding that it is okay to not be okay. I am so thankful for my parents, without them I would still feel trapped. I have learned so much this year but by far the most important thing I’ve learned is that everything happens for a reason.