I have not had the easiest life but it could be much worse. I think about it, and I don’t have it that hard but times do get tough. I feel like I am spiraling out of control and it has no end. I feel like I have no future but I couldn't possibly know what will be in the future and that’s something I don’t think I can handle. It's so much pressure to be this successful person when we all don’t have the same opportunities as others.

I am not privileged, my family is not rich, we don’t have a house, I share a room with 3 other people and  I sometimes don’t even eat because there is nothing to eat. but this is the best my life has ever been, I have seen worse. I lived in a refuge for 3 months I was a sad and I was a confused 7 years old who didn’t know why she was there and didn't know the reason why she hadn’t seen her dad in 3 months, why there were no Christmas presents under the tree or why there was no tree, or why when she would wake up in the middle of the night she would hear tears coming from her sisters bed I had no clue what was happening and at this point I still don't know what happened. Maybe it was the not knowing that ate me up inside to the point where I felt no love from anyone. My parents would trade off every weekend and I only saw my dad on weekends, every other week and ultimately stopped seeing him when I was 10 years old. I didn't see him again until about a year ago but by then, I felt like I was over him. I felt like I had found something to fill the hole in my heart that he had left me but I was wrong it just made those feelings resurface and I fell into a hole that I had dug myself into. A  hole filled with anger and hatred. 

He made a new family with his new wife, a new daughter, and a new son the one he never had. I felt happy that he found someone that made him happy but I felt like I was a burden to him. That I was not good enough, compared to her new daughter, she was probably better than me, but I always kept my feelings to myself. Why disappoint any more?  that his new daughter was so much better than me but I said nothing to him I didn’t want to continue to disappoint. Then one day he told my older sisters he didn’t want to see us again for some reason that I don’t know to this day. I was 10 when this happened and that led to my self-hatred, which I struggle with to this day. It’s not something I usually tell people because people sometimes think its stupid or I was over exaggerating but it was truly how I felt when the ten-year-old me hated themselves and it’s not something a usual ten years old goes through but I did. 

I was surrounded by people that could see we're going through it I just felt like it was not my place to feel the way I did plus who was I going to tell my sisters? They would just tell me they had it worse and my mom would tell me to suck it up. So, knowing what they were going to tell me I decided to put on a mask and suppress my feelings until a year ago when I saw him, it all just came rushing to me. It was one of the worst years of my life, I honestly don’t know how I survived. When I had a bad day or I felt anger or sad I would write about it in my notes where I could keep them locked up where no one could ever find them. I look back and read how I felt that day and I honestly felt bad for that person who was stuck in that hole. How could I feel this way or why was I acting like this. I made it a bad day that it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. But putting all the blame on myself ultimately lead to my defeat as I would consider rock bottom. I still feel like I am at rock bottom I feel trapped, and under pressure but I can’t do anything just go through the motions day by day until better days come.