My feet ached with every step, papers sticking out of every pocket of my backpack. I ran and ran, pushing myself as hard as I could. Lugging my backpack felt like trying to pull a truck uphill. I passed the gates to Oakland Technical High School and scrambled in all directions, looking for my class. After tripping over myself at least five times, I finally saw the sign “UC 15” right above a paint-chipped door. I could hear a voice calling, “Ryan Pham? Is Ryan Pham here?” I sprinted for the door, sweat coating my neck, and screamed at the top of my lungs. “Here! I’m right here!”

As more tardy students filed in and stood next to me by the door, a short African American woman with a slow voice, introduced herself as Ms. Jones, the substitute Mandarin teacher. Ms. Jones explained that she was subbing for Ms. Lin, and that Ms. Lin would be back in two weeks from her maternity leave. Ms. Jones also said that she wasn’t marking anyone tardy, even if they were a little late. “Wait, so I ran all the way here for no reason?” I asked loudly. 

“Yeah, you kinda did,” replied another kid around my height. He had a deep voice and also carried a bulging backpack. “My name’s Andy,” he said. “What’s yours? And don’t worry. I did the exact same thing you did.” 

“Nice,” I replied. “I’m Ryan. Nice to meet you.”

The last couple of kids stumbled into the class, all out of breath and sweaty. I couldn’t resist the urge, so I said, “Hate to break it to you, but we don’t need to be here.”

The kids looked at me and Ms. Jones re-announced that she was the sub and the real teacher would be back later. The kids grumbled. 

Everyone took a seat as Ms. Jones handed out a get-to-know-your-level test. Everyone grumbled again. 15 minutes later, I was shaking my foot, wondering if anyone else was done. I’d only understood 90% of the questions and I was freaking out. Once another 15 minutes had passed, only one other girl had finished. I introduced myself to her and found out that her name was Carlynda. Turned out she only knew 75% of the test. I saw that everyone else had stopped writing and realized that almost nobody in this class knew Mandarin. Oh no, I thought to myself. I was hoping someone in this class knew more Mandarin than me so I could get help. In the end, I turned out to be the one who knew the most Mandarin, which wasn’t much. I had a major freak out. The initial panic had been failing to understand all the questions. The freak out came when I realized that people might start relying on me for help, even though I didn’t have a full understanding of the language. That type of pressure was a pressure that I couldn’t really handle. 

Starting high school, I wanted to be seen as a chill guy, someone who you could talk to if you needed to. In middle school, I’d seen myself as shy. I was constantly sticking around with Ethan, who was a very good friend of mine, and, as a result, I never really opened up to people. If anyone needed anything, they never came to me. At Tech, I wanted to open up to people and become a reliable friend. But, I knew that to step out of one’s comfort zone is hard. My plan was to try to overcome this by being more active in class. I would answer more questions and converse more. I would also have to study harder so I could help my friends. In middle school, I once led my group in a math project. I talked to them a lot, showed them how to solve different formulas and was able to get our group an A on our project. I found myself feeling more comfortable than I’d thought I would feel. My tablemates were very easy-going, and they understood what I was trying to explain to them. That helped me a lot because I didn’t have a hard time getting through to them.

After two weeks in high school, I’d made a couple more friends. There was Andy, Carlynda, Ethan, David and Leanne. Their Mandarin was quite shabby, so they often came to me for help. I studied hard and did what I could to help them. My original panic slowly morphed into confidence. Confidence allowed me to make friends. I was happy that I’d experienced that initial panic. That panic made me to clarify my role, and it reminded me that stepping out of my comfort zone is hard but necessary work.