Everybody has that one best friend from when they were younger, but it’s not uncommon for people to slowly drift away from that friend throughout life. Although I have been lucky enough to hang on to that best friend. There are two different versions of how My best friend and I met. I say our Moms were talking in the hallway before picking us up at preschool, but she thinks that she complimented me on my raincoat at a church camp. Either way, we’ve been best friends ever since and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’ve done everything together from dance, trying multiple different sports, and even horseback riding lessons. I will admit, I was the bossy one in the friendship. With us, it was either my way or the highway and she never put up a fight. She thought all my ideas were great and who was I to argue. I guess that was one of the main things that made us different. Besides that, we had the same hair, eyes, and we were even the same height. That’s where the comparisons started at least. Our moms would always compare our height, so we would always try and look taller than each other. Always bickering back and forth about who was really taller. This little comparison was just the beginning.

It felt like in anything my friend and I did together we were compared. From school to dance, and even the clothes we wore. As this went on it got more difficult, as we eventually realized how much we were being compared. This struck a competitive chord in us, and everything we did soon became all about who could do it better. Comparing everything in our lives, from seeing who had the most toys to who could run the fastest. We stressed so much about all of this when none of it even mattered. We were second graders and we worried more about each other than ourselves. I wouldn’t say that people stopped comparing us altogether, but it got better. Except that the competitive framework was already there; ingrained in our minds. We would always compare ourselves to one another even when the other people had stopped. It hurt our friendship because we were constantly jealous of what each other had.

Her and I both had a love for dance, it was a passion we shared together. Although, it seemed like no matter what I tried she was the better dancer. She was unbeatable. She would get the solos and the special parts, while I never got anything. It hurt, but I had to look at the truth. She was an extremely talented dancer and there was no denying it. There was one instance where I finally realized I would never be as good as her. We were going to get to close the group number together, but in the end, the dance instructor told me I would no longer be in that part of the dance. Instead, my friend was going to end it with another upper-level dancer. I was crushed. I thought for once I could be as good as her and we could share a special moment together. Dance just wasn’t worth it anymore and I would never excel in dance like her. I think that is where my self-esteem hit a wall. I stopped going for what I wanted and always second guessed myself. Never sure if I was good enough, worried that other people would be better and that I would be humiliated. I was no longer the bossy stubborn, little girl from before. I gave up, it wasn’t worth trying if I was always second best.

Once we started middle school we started to split up, her continuing to excel in dance, me fumbling around trying to find something else. She started making new friends in dance and I was left alone. I knew I had to make friends of my own but it was hard because all I had ever known was her. Most of my other friends had moved away, and I was left with no one and crushed self-esteem. I finally decided that enough was enough and that I had to make new friends, instead of pining after the one I had lost. It was weird having to put myself out there. Basketball helped but I was still the new girl that knew nothing. Just another thing I wasn’t good at, but this time with girls actually telling me I sucked. Even though I stayed in basketball, I realized I wasn’t going to find any true friends there. Throughout middle school, I found other friends, but it still hurt not to have my best friend in my life anymore. Towards the end of eighth grade, she was trying her hardest to be my friend again, but I already had all these new friends. Why would I want to be her friend again? It was terrible watching her try to be my friend and watching my new friends give her the cold shoulder. I followed along because, they were my friends, so why would I leave them for one person?

It took a long time, but eventually, I sucked it up and realized she was way more important than these other girls that called themselves my friends. She was the one I would go to if I couldn’t understand something in class, and was a friend that would always have my back. She was the first one I called when I found out my mother had cancer. With that, I knew I needed her back in my life. Us being older I then realized that no one cared about who we were, and there were so many differences between us that there was nothing to compare. It made our friendship have less stress. We weren’t fighting over the smallest things or being competitive twenty-four seven. We were having fun and being carefree like friends should. With becoming her friend again I made some pretty great new friends too, and I don’t know what I would do without her.

Now I have my confidence back and my best friend too. I guess I’m back to that bossy little girl, but maybe with a bit more self-control. And I would like to think my best friend still likes all my ideas, but now and again she adds her own two cents. Today I’m finally doing the things that I want to do and being happy about them. That doesn’t mean my mind never goes back to dance and how disappointed I was. Some days it makes me worried if I’m doing my best. Then I remember that no one but me decides what I think of myself. I have to take control and not always be worried about what other people think. My best friend and I aren’t as competitive anymore but we still do argue about how we met. I don’t think that is something that will ever change just like our friendship.