To start, I should let you know I am diagnosed with ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. As the term implies, it basically means that I could be thinking about that stray cat I saw this morning, and then immediately switch to what I will be eating for dinner tonight. The fact that my thinking can change in the blink of an eye makes focusing extremely hard. Some might dismiss my disorder by just saying, “dude, just take pills, you’re fine. It’s really not that bad”. I mean I don’t want to sound like a salty white boy ranting about his disorder, but my friends just don’t know how much ADD affects my day-to-day life. It literally messes up everything I do: when I talk, my mouth moves faster than my brain, causing me to mumble or mispronounce words to the point where nobody can understand. When I am trying to listen, I have to repeatedly tell myself to keep paying attention because I cannot keep my eyes on something for more than two minutes at a time, my mind is always racing and jumping from one object to the other. Since my mouth runs faster than my brain, I usually say stuff that I regret immediately after the words leave my mouth which makes everyday activity just that much harder. If you don’t have a clear idea of what that is now, you should by the end of this little story.

For example, I was doing a group activity for my human geography class outside the campus with my friend and her friend Jessica. The activity was to teach us about culture, geography, and how the terms we had learned relate to the real world. What we had to do was go around the neighborhood and take pictures that represented a term in human geography. Yes it was nice to not sit in a classroom for a block, but my excitement did not come from the activity itself; instead, it came from the fact that at the end, our teacher was going to allow us to get chicken rice, which of course is tasty as fook. Chicken rice at the end of the day is always really nice; although, eating chicken rice takes much longer than you’d expect. And we didn’t exactly realize how much time we still had to get back to Burger King. But instead of heading back after chicken rice knowing we didn't have much time, we decided to go get bubble tea...smart right.

Now, it was going well, our group was having a good time and Jessica was low-key being annoying, but as in a joke. She would say stuff like, “Oh well, of course, you don’t know it. Kidding. Not.”. I knew she was just in a joking mood but for some reason, I was looking for a way to get back.

I didn’t think it more than a joke, I just would laugh and simultaneously looked away. Of course, being the impulsive person that I am, I wanted to get her back in a joking way. See, this tease wouldn’t be too bad, but this girl in my group tried out for the varsity squad for soccer but she sadly made the JV team. As a junior, making the JV when you work and wish to carry out the goal has to hurt. Of course, I did not recognize the significance this event could be for her. So when we were running back to Burger King, she said, “Come on guys let’s use our soccer skills.”

Then, of course, I saw my opportunity and decided to fire a shot. “Oh wait, your JV soccer skills?”

She stopped dead in her tracks, looked down, a shocked and sad gloom overtaking her face. I laughed, but when we got to the end of the field and looked back, there she was, standing in place, about to cry. Regret filled my body once I realized the damage I had done. She proceeded to ignore me the rest of the class. And when we walked back, she decided to walk away in front of me. I was behind her and her friend while my group member confirmed for me that I most definitely messed up and went way too far.

When we got back to class, I tried to apologize and well, she ignored me again and walked away, which was expected. Then my second attempt in the cafeteria was met with the same response, just a sharp stare, no words, just the stare, and the walk away. I felt so bad because when I thought about it more I couldn’t help but think about how I would have reacted if I was in her position. I would have been so pissed, I would have sworn and definitely ignored them while adding a little extra sauce to the goodbye. It was such a mean thing to say, kinda funny, but also just a terrible thing to say to someone who was really shaken by it. I felt so bad that I apologized profusely and sent her a long message on Snapchat telling her how sorry I was. She then ignored me, which is completely understandable. Thankfully, she forgave me, but not without her admitting to me that I had really hurt her feelings.

I have done this a couple times, not thinking before speaking, and making a joke turn into a hurtful insult. Every once in a while, when I am having a bad day, I pull dick moves such as this. One time, when I was eleven, I was sitting on the couch, just chilling, casually watching boxing as a 6th grader. And then, my cousin Rafi comes in and has the audacity to grab the remote, change the channel to Uncle Grandpa, and just plop down on the couch like nothing was wrong.

I then looked at my cousin, and said, “Dude what the f*** give me the remote”.

Rafi responds in an  annoying, sniffle voice, “No you have watched it all day!”

I then proceeded to walk over and forcibly grab the remote from my younger cousins gasp. He blocked my first strike, then the second, by a fake right go left got him finally and I had the remote, I had the power. For whoever had the remote in the backroom of my Grandma’s house was the King. Now, here's the problem, my cousin is two years younger than me, so abusing him looks really bad on my part. As soon as I finished forcibly taking the remote, he started to cry. This prompted me to feel really bad for my little cousin cry since I knew I need to be the person protecting him.

Like this incident with Jessica, I was left in regret after the words and actions I uttered showed their repercussions. I swore that I will not insult Jessica and my cousin like that because of it being such a soft spot. Just in general, these two situations serve as a lesson, a lesson that had to be learned the hard way.  The lesson I learned with these instances is one that I have repeatedly met in my life. For I have had to reflect on ADD and how it affects my everyday life very often, and this problem is common because it pertains to so much else. Granted, ADD is not the complete culprit, it just adds fuel to the fire since I am already an impulsive person. I know it could seem like I am thinking of this in a much bigger context than it need be, which is because I am, but also something such as this represents a goal of mine that I have had to repeatedly set back in my life because I am usually not mature enough to reach it. Which is to take a second or two to think about my actions because I will be better off if I am making smart decisions in my daily life instead of my usual impulsive decisions.

I know that I will figure this out, maybe not today, probably not tomorrow, hell not even in four years, but I know at some point, I won’t slip up, I will think before I speak, and I will allow myself to decide instead of my ADD. The scary thing is that the absence of my reckoning could cause unwanted problems in my life. It will be hard to correct it, I know, and it will take time and patience, but if it means preventing myself from hurting others and raising conflict.