To Him | Teen Ink

To Him

October 17, 2018
By AlinaLee GOLD, Hogansburg, New York
AlinaLee GOLD, Hogansburg, New York
15 articles 0 photos 14 comments

One day you might care enough to open this. You’ll probably have moved on by then, you’ll probably have a new girl. I just wanted you to know that I’m so sorry for the pain that I inflicted. I didn’t treat you the way I should have. I had such high hopes for us. I left so many things unsaid.

So here they are…

From the moment I met you I knew that I would love you forever, I knew that you’d change my life. I was in so much pain, but then you came and changed everything. With you everything was okay again. I could genuinely smile. I always felt like I was drowning in my thoughts. You came and you taught me how to swim through it. I know it seems like I took you for granted but I assure you that is false. I thanked God every moment of the day. I was so grateful that I was able to have you in my life. I never once took you for granted. Around June all the bad things began to resurface. On June 24th it marked 9 years since my grandmother died. I kept having flashbacks, I was 6 years old when I went to her funeral and I didn’t know what death was until I walked up to her casket and begged her to wake up. Not long after my grandpa got sick. I seen him in the hospital bed and cried so much and when the monitor went off my heart dropped. Then the first time I seen my dad after 3 years was for him to tell my my uncle was dying. I was feeling so nostalgic and I was hurting so much. I was scared to tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. We were both busy all day and were never able to talk during the day and at night you’d either be with friends or one of us had to go to sleep because we had stuff to do. We didn’t talk as much and I didn’t want the conversations we did have to be bad. Just having you there helped me a lot. I convinced myself that I was fine, but I wasn’t. I’m not asking for you to feel bad or pity me. I just wasn’t fair to you and I should’ve told you this stuff. I want so desperately to be able to erase all of the things that happened but I know that’s not possible. If I can’t fix it I can heal it, because I of all people know that every wound can be healed, there may be some scars but those make you stronger. I knew you deserved so much more than me. I wish that instead of pushing you away I would’ve held you closer and fought to be the best I could be for you. Losing you will always be my biggest regret. When you said you hated me I screamed No and cried and all I wanted to do was run away and never feel again. Now I just feel numb and it’s like I have to force my heart to beat.

“I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know...

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you...

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears”

-The Reason by: Hoobastank

You motivate me to be a better person. You are my reason.

Just know that I will ALWAYS love you. Your name will always be the one that runs through my mind and rolls off my tongue. You will always be the picture that flashes through my head when I think of perfection. My love for you will always be here. If by chance you ever decide to come back, I will drop everything and welcome you with open arms. If I ever got you back I would hold you so tight and never let you go.

The author's comments:

This was an actual text message I wrote. It was just heartbreaking. 

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