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I Still Love You
February 18th, the day we met.
We talked on the phone for 6 hours.
It didn’t take me long to realize that you were perfect for me.
Rock Fest, I was jumping and laughing, I told you to come.
You told me to move on. That you were wasting my time.
I ran to the bathroom crying. I was scared of losing you. I begged you to stay.
Jenna told you that I loved you just as you were saying goodbye.
That was the night I admitted that I loved you.
April 7th, our first date.
We both lied to our parents and snuck to the movies.
I still keep the tickets.
I was on Jenna’s phone most of the time.
I was worried that you wouldn’t show up.
I stood outside of the theatre anxiously.
I turned and saw you coming towards me.
You looked adorable in your “Don’t Tread On Me” hat, Green Carhartt, Blue jeans, and worn out red and gray sneakers.
You set your stuff down and opened your arms.
I hugged you so tight.
I felt so safe.
We snuck kisses in the dark of the theatre.
We sat at the food court I looked up and laughed
“You didn’t even ask me out yet” I whined
“Will you be mine” you asked so naturally
“Yes” I said in such an innocent voice.
May 18, our second date.
Golfing at Fairmount Glen.
I called you and you said you’d be there.
You pulled up in a red car.
We ran towards each other and we hugged for such a long time.
I grabbed your hand.
Blindly flirting with each other, you’d take sips of my slushie.
It left such a good taste on our tongues.
Vicious little kisses here and there.
You were so determined to win.
I was so frustrated.
I bought you candy.
You bought me ice cream.
It was so messy.
We kissed each other goodbye.
June 24th, the anniversary of my grandmother’s death.
We grew apart. We were so busy. We didn’t talk much, when we did I just wanted it to be happy.
I kept in my pain. It consumed me.
July 4th, the day I lost you.
I cried myself to sleep the night before.
In the messages I wrote about how you deserved more.
You told me I was worthy.
I refused to believe it.
I pushed you away.
You didn’t pull me back in.
You gave up.
I had done this before.
You said it’s draining.
I begged for you to just forget about what I said.
I needed you.
I told you I’d change.
You doubted it.
You yelled at me and blocked me.
I got ahold of you again and you told me you hated me.
At that moment my heart shattered.
My friend contacted you.
You told her I was your biggest regret.
It cut deep.
All the things you said, all the words you called me.
Amazing went to Moron, I love you went to I hate you.
You could slit my throat but I would still apologize for bleeding on you.
Because I still love you.
Manhattan, New York
Park City, Utah
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If you chase two rabbits, you will lose them both.
- Native American proverb
Do not go gentle into that good night but rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- Dylan Thomas
What is past is past -- it is the present and the future that concern us.
- Hiawatha, founder of the Iroquois Confederacy