The Last Goodbye

On the way to the top floor of the ginormous hospital I felt lost and hopeless, I could not stop crying feeling as if I was pouring out all the pain I had hidden inside for so long. My big sister, Cherish, held me close knowing this was the last time we will get to see our brother. As Cherish and I stepped out of the flower walled elevator we had seen a sad sight of my mother crying. She looked hopeless just the same as I had felt. She pulled us close for a hug of support knowing it was going to be hard for us to say goodbye to our brother.

As my sister, my mother, and I walked down the maze like hallway, it smelled like latex gloves and dead flowers. I tightly held the soft stuffed animal my brother gave to me when I was born. I was crying, I was scared at the fact that I have to say goodbye to my big brother I as well was mad knowing that my life was going to change with Jack gone. I walked in after my sister and mother I did not want to go in I was confused as to why I had to see him in such a scary position. I held tight to the stuffed animal and slowly walked into the slightly dim hospital room. I saw my family and there my brother lying on the hospital bed still with tubes in his nose and in his mouth. I was crying for so many reasons, but mostly at the fact that my brother was right there infront of me, dead, me holding his hand trying to get the words out that were stuck in my throat.

Eventually I got a sentence out, I had said to him “I love you Jack I am going to miss you so much.” after saying that sentence it became harder to breathe like someone hit me in the chest with a baseball bat.

I couldn’t look at my brothers helpless body anymore I felt heartbroken, I looked up to unfortunately see that the heartbeat monitor machine was right there and had just a flat line on it’s screen. Everything became to overwhelming  I looked at my brother and said my last words to him.

“Goodbye Jack you will always be with me in my heart I love you and don’t ever forget that.” I had felt weak and could not breathe it was all too much.

After a long evening at the hospital, everyone saying goodbye, me and my dad had left to head home, I sat silently in the desert heated car out in the dark crisp night the sky with it’s dimly shining stars I was thinking and trying to figure out what happened asking myself why he was taken from us, why was a son taken from his mother, why was a brother taken away from his sisters and step brother, why take a loving boyfriend from his loving girlfriend, why take a caring friend from the friends that need him, why take an uncle from his niece and nephew, why take a daddy from his son? I almost fell asleep, but forced myself to stay awake I was terrified as to what my mind would of had me dreamt after just seeing my brother in front of me and seeing my suffering family and my brothers friends. The ride was long and warm. I felt like crying again thinking about my brother choosing to pass away.

All of the family and friends decided that day to do something to relax thinking he’s tough and that he’s got this, his girlfriend and friends went to the movies, Cherish and her husband went home to see the kids and watch some movies at home, and I went to a friends thinking my big tough brother would be alright he’s been in the hospital many times and came out just fine again, with just our mother there with her baby boy he decided to leave. He came into this world with just his mother there and he left it with just his mother there. When I got home I quietly went straight to bed feeling lonely wondering what my first day without a brother was going to be like I lost my big brother who was my best friend and mentor and I went to bed knowing he wasn’t going to be there the next day.