Voices echo tunneling from person to person like an endless game of telephone. Words that can't be taken back,they hurt, like wounds pouncing on your flesh. I don't know how much more I can take. Words hurt, they hurt me,if only they knew how much it hurt.

No one gets it, no one will ever know how I felt or what all those words did to me. It's scary, it's hard when you don't love yourself the way you used to. It changed my life and not for the better. All of the dinners with family and friends I used to love, so many memories made and cherished. But now your scared to go any where, especially dinner. You don't want to get any fatter or wear an outfit that makes you look fat. I can't go any where, cause I can't bare the thought,the sight, I can't see that one person, the person that made me feel weak with no where to turn, how can I face that? The people I thought loved me,I shared many laughs,many tears,many hugs and I thought the endless love would last forever, forever fell short. The feelings I will never forget, re-living them, the thoughts,they leave me speechless, gasping for the happy air I used to breath. It all begins somewhere, and this is where my journey of struggling to find love for myself begins.

Moments in my life, the obstacles I have overcome,the fight I will face for the rest my life. It all started three days before summer break. Normally I would be thinking about fun vacations,endless  sleepovers, many tubs of ice cream, fruity and sweet, but this year was different. I wasn’t happy, for days upon weeks upon months I would curl up all alone and cry myself to sleep. Little did I know everything was about to get worse. How can you forget something that hurt you so much ,there’s no way to forget it. It’s like a perfectly painted picture in my head that will forever stay, scary, heartless and heart breaking. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the lunch room alone my friend’s had left me. So there I sat alone. Then his tall, skinny,muscular figure creeps towards me. I thought he would jus have a stupid joke that would make no one laugh. Not a word came from the other of our mouths, we both stared aimlessly off into space. His big hands, popping with veins,showing his physical strength, yet we all knew on the inside he was nothing but a coward, reached towards a large, baggy, puke green pocket of his cargo shorts. I loose interest, trying not to stir the pot. The next thing I knew, it hit me. The cold metal beat against my skin like rain beating onto the damp grass on a summer day. I have a lump in my throat, I can't speak, I tried  and tried but nothing would come out. I was voiceless. As the words spat off my lips they couldn't have been more clear. “ stop,please stop” my words meant nothing to him, my words disappeared into thin air. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop him. The girl that was once fearless, bold,brave and ready to face anything was gone. I lost a part of me as I sat there continuing to get hit repeatedly. My cheeks turned warm, blushed with streaks of red. I didn't know what to do, or how to feel, I was shocked. I froze in the moment to look at my leg. All I saw past the warm,watery, wealting, tears in my eyes where welts, 3D circles pop out of my skin. Streaks of red, blue and purple bruised and outlined my leg. I saw a pattern from where the beads of the old, rusty chain hit me. I wanted to slip away. All of these emotions pouring out of me. Pain,scared, sad and weak, I wanted to disappear.  All I can think about are those words, The words they would say to me on the end. Fat, ugly, and things I don't even want to repeat. I had to get out of there, I got up and darted to the bathroom. I wanted to be alone, I always was alone. Once I escaped the chaos there I sat, alone, away from all the names, mean people, endless hearts filled with hate. The floor was cold and damp, my body was numb, my leg hurt but more importantly my hear hurt. My heart beat through my chest with loud and fast thuds. Warm drops rolled down my flushed cheeks. I felt like I would never leave this stall, I didn't ever want to see him again. It crazy to think about all of the pain, blood, sweat and tears he put me through simply because I took a stand for someone I truly loved. I arose from my curled up ball on the ground. The bathroom was silent minus a few drops of water pattering from the faucet. I looked into the mirror, I see myself. My long brown hair, my olive skin, what made me me. I thought about it all, all the words, the words I'll never forget. “ no one loves you” and that's when I thought maybe their right. I take one more look at myself, my eyes met the mirror and in that instant I began to care what they thought, I began to listen, I saw myself as fat, ugly and unloved, nothing could change that.

You always hear about those people on TV that have eating disorders, they look miserable,weak,unhappy with more than just their weight, unhappy with themselves. They have to fight for their lives, every meal, every bite, every sip, it all counts towards another day of their life. The thought of that's what I was becoming or became was scary, I still shake thinking about it. I wasn't me anymore, I would never be the happy Anna, I used to be filled with joy, my spunky personality lit up the room. I used to love myself, I didn't care about my size, and neither did anyone else. All the fun memories with friends and family, that wasn't me anymore, I will forever wish it was, I will forever miss my old self.

Those moments I've faced in my life will always be apart of me. They have made me who I am today. I faced hardships, I starved myself, I've made myself throw up, I'll face those hardships forever.  All of those moments don't define me.  I will always struggle with how I feel about myself . Whether I'm fat, thin or perfect. Those people can't take back their words, but I can grow from them. Through these rough times my family friends and God have and continue to help me  through these scary, dark and sad times. My best friends made me realize what I can't afford to leave behind. They truly love me for me. Even if I'm super tall, super small, twigs or chunky, they've showed me love when I needed it most. Through love, faith and bravery, I'm here today, facing what has to be faced, and trying to overcome my problems, making it day by day, as I continue down the Journey of finding love for myself.