I always wonder what it would be like to have both a mother and a father in my life. I for one only have a mother. My father well he just picked up his stuff and left. He left his little girl all alone with no care in the world. I don’t think he ever thought how much of an impact he would have on me when he left. But now he is just now a memory to me.

I have a small memory of my father. Due to his absence I never really understood and still don’t understand why a father would like to just leave their little girl to see all these other little girls with dads and get to do the daddy, daughter things they do. I never got to experience those ever. No daddy/daughter dances, no daddy/daughter hang outs or anything. I always wished I could when I was younger and my grandfather offered to take me but every time he offered I would say the same thing, “It wouldn’t be the same.”

I remember one time back when I was younger, my mind right now cannot pounder what age I was but, I remember going with my older sister Shania to my dad’s parents house for christmas eve. I was fluster with the fact that my brother was sick and couldn’t come with us. Besides the point when my mother dropped us off I was filled with so much joy that I was going to see my father. I haven’t seen him in a few months and all I ever wanted to do was see him.

“Hey i’ll see you tomorrow girls.” My mom hugged us so tight. “Love you two, have fun!” I nodded and responded to her that i'll miss her and I love her.

As my sister and I walked into my grandparents house I noticed that the whole house was decorated with every christmas decoration you could imagine. Stockings hung over the lit fireplace, the tree all dolled up with beautiful christmas ornaments, bells dangling from the ceiling, that when they rang while you walked through the house, since it was such an old home.

“Hey Grandpa?” I asked trying to get his attention.

“Yes sweets?” He responded giving his full attention to me.

“When are we going to Uncle Waylon's house?” He chuckled knowing that I was just ready to open some presents and responded with,

“Right now actually.”

Eventually after a long car ride to my Uncle’s house I could finally eat something. There was so much food there that I was just beyond excited. I for one was just mainly looking forward to the food, rather than the gifts like my sister was excited for. I begun to pile on mashed potatoes, turkey, mac and cheese, dinner rolls and so much more food that honestly gives me life.

After eating like 3 plates of food, I felt like I was as fat as Santa Claus. I am pretty sure I gained like 50 pounds after eating. Once everyone else finished their food it was time to open gifts. I got picked to be the Elf. I started handing gifts out 1 by 1 from oldest to youngest sometimes, switching the order and it being youngest to oldest.
Once all gift were unwrapped they told us kids that we could go run around and play while the adults talk about adult things. Us kids decided to play office. My cousin and I were the head of a fashion industry and my sister and the rest of my cousins were our workers.

“Chop chop, get to work” I yelled at them since they were slacking.

“What she said!” My younger cousin Kandis had said.

After while it just got repetitive and I was starting to become exhausted so I walked into the living room acting like a drunk person to so them how exhausted I was. Once everyone realized all the kids were sleepy all the adults thought it would be best if we all just went home.

One the way home I fell asleep and the next thing I know I had woken up to a mild tone pounding on the door. Knock, knock, knock. My father opened the door and it was my mom. I was beyond excited to go home with my mom. Although I liked hanging out with my dad I was always deep down a momma’s girl.

I ran over to my mom and gave her the biggest hug. She was so excited to see me. I went and got my stuff all together and took it out to the car. My sister was already in the car ready to go. I ran back inside to help my mom carry my brothers gifts that were his from our family members. After I did that and I started to walk back up the porch steps I just heard them arguing a bit. I hated when anyone was arguing so I decided to just walk back to the car but, then I heard something I wish I didn’t hear.

“So when’s do you want them next?” My mom asked my father.

“I honestly don’t want them at all.” My dad said which triggered an argument between them.

Once I heard those words come out of his mouth I was speechless. I didn’t realize until after I ran back to the car that I was bawling when my sister asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t begin to process words that would help me explain. All I could do was cry. My dad came out to the car to give me a hug but I wouldn’t give him one. I think my mom knew I overheard their conversation and just told him that I was to tired to give him a hug.

The car ride home was silent. I just still had nothing to say. All I could do was just sit there and think about how useless and worthless I must be for my own father not to want me in his life anymore. Still to this day I think about that day when I heard him say those words.

I just wished then I could have had a father figure or my own father in my life. But in 6th grade I realized I didn’t need him. Back in 6th grade my dad contacted my mom and told her that he was going to go to court to try and have full custody of me. I was honestly so confused as to why he wanted full custody when he didn’t even want me as a child. I cried for a week straight worried that I was going to be taken away from my mother. After a few weeks we never heard anything back from him about going to court. That was when I realized that I didn’t need him, and he only said that to stir up some drama.

Although from time to time I think about little things like if I get married who am I going to dance with/who’s going to walk me down the aisle, or if I get on homecoming court who will escort me, or who’s going to be there to talk to me about boys and just all these things make me think about what it would be like to have a father. I mean yes my mom is like my father but sometimes it still isn’t the same. I just feel as if I am missing something in my life and I think now at the age 16 I figured it out. I think my dad not being in my life at all has really impacted me and how I think and feel about things. I really would like to see my dad again it’s my dream to but I think God made the way how things are now for reasons.

There have been so many nights I would sit in my room sobbing because I feel like my dad left me because of me. I feel worthless most of the time to the point where I wish I was never born so I would never have to feel like he never wanted me and I was a mistake. But then I have to remember that my mom is doing an amazing job raising me and I honestly couldn’t be happier about it. I still wonder from time to time what my life would be like if my dad was still in it, but then I remember that I don’t need him because my mom raised a very smart and sassy kid without my dad being in the picture. I sometimes wish I could understand the puzzle of why my dad left me but I know it’s clearly impossible and I will never begin to know the real reason why he left. I just want answers. Unless of course I went to go see him but again I don’t want my mom disappointed in me for wanting to see him because I don’t think she’ll understand.