The frost is biting at my cheeks and my fingers are nearly frozen. Snow seeps through my converse and pools at the bottom of my shoes causing me to shiver. Without ringing the doorbell, I simply walk into the house I call my second home, knowing that it was perfectly exceptable. After all, I’ve know this family my whole life.

As I walked through the living room, I could hear Katie making her way about the kitchen, the booming volume of the television as the movie Frozen played, and the simple laughing of their three kids.

The minute Katie saw me, her face lit up with excitement. She quickly ran over to me and embraced me in a hug, just as she always does. In one hand she held a wooden spoon covered in spaghetti sauce and in the other a baby monitor. Her short, brown hair was pulled into a small ponytail and her chocolate colored eyes showed nothing but love and kindness.

She was the perfect, typical mom.

“Thank you so much for coming to help me tonight with the kids. It's been quite crazy here with Derek in Colorado” said Katie between large breaths.

“You know me! I would never pass up time with you and the kiddos!” My happiness and excitement is sincere but I couldn't help my racing thoughts that seemed to be in my head for the past couple of days.

Katie went back to the stove and talked about all that has gone on in the past couple of days. I was trying so hard to listen but instead my mind was running amuck with negative thoughts of disgust. Every time I hung out with my friends it seemed as though this feeling came about more often. When I was with them, all I thought about was the disgust I had for everything my body had chosen to be...from my poofy hair all the way down to my snow-soaked converse. They were all skinny and beautiful and I was just...me.

The minute I looked up from my feet, Katie’s eyes filled with warmth and kindness as her three kids came sprinting up the basement stairs.

Drew, of course, had a football in his hand and small beads of sweat showed just below his buzzed hair. I have no doubt he was running around like a typical ten year old boy. Next to his tall, skinny stature stood Elly. Her small hand was intertwined with Drew's big hand just so she could keep up with his steps. They both gave me giant hugs with Drew nearly as tall as I am and Elly barely reaching my hip.

Just then, Addie came struggling up the stairs balancing coloring books and crayons. I could just barely make out her smile behind her supplies. In a goofy and awkward manner, she dropped her stuff on the table and danced over to hug me. Her short brown hair whipped this way and that as she showed me where everything was, even though I had been to their house millions of times.

I, however, was just a little different. My posture was slumped and my eyes fell low. My smile was profound but it was still as if something was missing. I was not entirely my happy-go-lucky self. The thoughts in my head were reeling and I knew for a fact it showed. None of the kids seemed to notice as they hung on my arms and legs, but Katie looked at me with a peculiar expression as though she was reading a book.

“Dinner time!” Katie screamed down the steps to me and the kids.

The kids and I raced as fast as we could up the stairs with Drew in first, me in second, Addie in third, and Elly still crawling up the stairs on her hands and knees.

We sat as Katie served and instantly the kids sparked up conversation. They joked about movies and books while shoving spoonfuls of spaghetti into their mouths. All I could do was push my noodles around, knowing that if I put just one in my body it would instantly stick to my stomach. So I sat quietly and dosed in thought…

My feet just barely graze the top of the water and my bottom is fiery hot from sitting on the deck. I whip my head around and see the large crowd of boys and girls that gathered on the deck of our lake house. I take notice that almost every girl is in a tiny bikini with flat stomachs and perfectly curled hair, and every guy has toned muscles and flawless tan skin. In everyone’s hands is a red solo cup with god-knows-what in them. My eyes slowly shift and I look at my short, pudgy legs and my stomach just visible beneath my t-shirt. If I were to join the “party” I would look like an ogre standing next to those people. Plus, according to, what seems like everybody, I’m too young, but only by a year and half. I couldn't quite handle the pounding music, awkward eye contact, and the occasional spray of sweat so I got up. With my bottle of water and my book, I shimmied past the dancing bodies of my older siblings and their friends to make way back up to the house. Slowly I walked, ignoring the fact that I didn’t quite fit with the other kids, literally...

A thunder of laughs pulled me out of my thoughts and I looked up to see Drew making the funniest face he possibly could. Still, through the rest of dinner, I remained quiet. 

Throughout the rest of the night, Katie looked at me with this loving, reassuring smile. Everytime she did that, I felt word vomit coming up through my throat but the presence of the kids helped me swallow it back down. 

I waited patiently on the couch for Katie to put the kids to bed. The sweatpants I slipped on were itchy and my hair felt extra tight in a ponytail. My head was like a ticking bomb waiting to explode with an overabundance of thoughts. Picking at the threads on my sweatshirt was the only thing that kept me distracted from my buzzing phone, the loud T.V., and my screaming head.

Katie bounced down the stairs and sat on the other side of the couch.

Without any small talk she simply asked, “Where is my Jessie tonight?”
Just then, everything came pouring out of me. Once I started I couldn’t stop and Katie sat their listening, with all her focus on me.

“Everyday I listen to my friends talk about how good they look in their clothes or how many guys they’ve hooked up. I can never say anything because I have never done any of that. I’ve never had a serious boyfriend. I’ve never snuck out. I’ve never had sex. I’ve never even kissed a boy before and I feel like a complete loser. I hate the way I look, the way I feel. I feel like I’m suffocating and no one sees. Now I’ve come to the conclusion that I just need to do it. I need to get completely wasted and try drugs because everyone is doing it. I need to get caught by the police for breaking curfew just so I can say that I did. I need to loose my virginity to some guy so I can participate in the conversations my friends have. I just want to get it over with so I don’t have to feel so small compared to everyone.”

Katie’s eyes fell and she looked heartbroken.

“No” she said. “You don’t have to do that because you’ll lose everything instead of gaining anything. You will feel worse. It won’t help anyone. You look like the bigger person right now because you still hold your innocence. You still have you. You respect yourself enough to not put yourself through one-night-stands and drinking. I was just like you when I was your age; well beyond my years, head always in book, working my butt off for what I wanted, and dreading over the fact that boys chased my friends and not me. It's because I had respect for myself and cared about the well-being of my mind and body. One night stands make people look weak if you ask me.

Therefore it’s not for you because you are strong. You are beautiful. The minute you realize and accept that you are absolutely gorgeous, everyone will see it and boys will flock to you because in the end, that’s what they truly want. When I realized my worth and beauty, I found Derek. It was my senior year of high school, so I felt the same way you did. Trust me when I say that God will guide you into the arms of the right man only when he knows that you can handle it. He wants you to love yourself before you can share your love with a man in an intimate way. I know it’s not easy but hey, you're Jessie! You don’t need easy, you just need possible.”

Tears fell down my cheeks as I listened.

“You are a wonderful person, Jess. Please don’t let anyone tear you down for something as simple as virginity or drinking. Be proud of who are and what you have and haven't done because I am and so is your family.”

I ran to Katie and hugged her as tight as I could. Tears flooded my eyes but only because I finally found my map that would guide me down the road of life and I have Katie to thank for that.

She tucked me in and hugged me again. We both whispered “I love you” and she left the room.

I lay in bed thinking but only of things that make me smile this time. Instead of frowning I had nothing but a smile. I thought about who I actually was. The real Jessie that I would now show more of.  Then I thought about Katie. I felt closer to her now than I ever had. I know that I can go to her with anything and she’ll be there. She’s one of my many guardian angels. My best friend. My hero.