I remember the late nights I spent with him. I remember how his fingers traced the strings of his guitars effortlessly and the sound of his voice singing tunes of Ed Sheeran and Chet Faker. I remember how we had spent the beautiful windy Fall nights under the stars with friends while singing songs by the fireside. Those were perfect moments I had with him. The memories that were made with him were memories I cherished and still do. I remember the late night walks we had along the beach and how we talked at the diner till the early morning hours. I miss those days. I miss how he made me feel safe and infinitely happy. We had many good times. He knew how to make me happy. He knew that when I was stressed I enjoyed going for long car rides with the windows down or how I loved to bake and jam to AC/DC while dancing around the kitchen in nothing but his flannel and night shorts. He knew that I loved to hear the guitar while falling asleep on the couch and rubbing my back. Those were the best. I miss watching old classics with him and even at occasions scary movies where he would proceed to scare the living wits out of me. I missed how he claimed me as his in front of his friends. I miss his kisses sometimes and the dates we went on.

But I don’t miss how he stripped all the confidence I had with him when we were alone in his room. I don’t miss the person he was when I said no. I don't miss the way he would yell at me when we were alone or even around friends if I made one little slip. The worst part, I thought it was normal. I didn't take it into deep thought that how he had treated me was cruel, but I know for the fact that I was always frightened and my skin would turn cold when I was in a room alone with him. I was scared that if I didn't give in to his demands, he would hit me. Yet again, at that point I should have been used to it. I was weak and I am so ashamed that I didn't realize what I was in, was wrong.

The presents and the kisses he gave me when we got into a fight the night before made up for the abuse he had inflicted upon me even if it had turned physical. He wanted all the things I wasn't ready to give him and I was scared to tell him that I wasn't quite ready to give myself up for his personal pleasure when my past was still haunting me even during the day. I don’t miss how he came onto me too strong when I kept pushing him away. I don’t miss how he called me names when I said no and treated me like his side when I didn't go on my knees. I don’t miss how he told me that I was no good for any guy except for him because I was a pain and I was lucky he was able to handle me. I don’t miss the types of abuse he had laid out on me, whether it be with his words or it be sexual. I don’t cherish the fact that the first time since that night it was great as said by him. I won’t forget what had happened in that room behind closed doors with him because he scared me more than he made me comfortable. I don’t miss the fact that he used to threaten me that he would sleep with another girl if I didn't listen to him. I guess that’s why I gave into his requests after a while. I became scared and thought that if I stayed and gave him what he wanted for that hour he would treat me better the next day or hopefully not contributing to the bruises that had already displayed my body. It wasn't until he cheated on me that I realized that I was in a poisoned relationship ever since the start. I should have seen the warning signs. It was so clear. The possessiveness, the jealousy, and the erratic behavior.

I still don’t know what normal is. I don’t know when I will, but I’m hoping someday I will. I’m not fully okay. I still get nightmares that make me scream. I get irritated when a random stranger touches me, even my guy friends. The pain comes in waves. Some days their mild and some days it feels like my sanity is being stripped. I can’t trust very easily anymore and I am okay with that. But I do know that it’s okay to not be okay. I’ve come to peace that I don’t have a nice past and my present might still be rocky, but from my past relationship I’ve come to realization that dealing with the abuse and the demands will never be okay with me ever again. I promised myself since the end of our relationship that I wouldn't tolerate being used. It’s okay to build your walls ten times higher. I don’t consider myself strong, but I definitely consider myself a warrior. I’ve got scars and memories that not many people know and I like the thought of that. The fact that no one really knows the past that I have overcome, it’s a peaceful thought.